A Crown of Splendor..

Proverbs 16:31
Grey hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life.

I read this passage on Friday morning during my quiet time. I thought to myself how interesting it is that I would stumble across this particular verse. I have, over the past year or so, been letting my hair revert back to its natural color, with all the grey that now streaks through it. I think its mostly all back, or maybe even is completely back, to its natural color. It's the first time in my adult life that I have had my natural color. I have colored my hair from the time I was about 17 years old. Right now it's a rich brown color with lots of grey running through it.

When I made the decision to go natural and thus also go grey, I had no idea how much the Lord would use it to teach me and speak to me....about things like giving up control and accepting whatever He brings into my life. At the same time I made the decision to go natural with my color, I also made the choice to allow my hair to grow out from the super short, very controlled style I have always worn, to a shoulder length, softer style. It's been an experience for me!Who would have ever thought that changing my hairstyle and color would be such a tool for the Lord to use in transforming me!?

When I was on retreat a couple (few?) weeks ago, I was watching a pair of older women from my church. They looked so beautiful to me with their peaceful countenances and their crowns of silver-grey hair. As I watched them I realized, and told the Lord, I want to be like those ladies when I am older. I want to have the peaceful countenace, and dignified look of someone who has walked with Him for a lifetime. Someone who has learned to be content in any and every situation, who has experienced both great blessing and tremendous heartache, and who has clung to faith in Christ Jesus throughout it all.

Someone who can wear her grey hair like a crown of splendor that is the reward of a life lived for, and through, Him...

Learning to be still....

I am trying to learn to be still. Trying to cultivate a meek and quiet spirit. It isn't easy. Once again this morning I read this in my quiet time..

Psalm 37:7-8 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their evil ways, when they carry out their evil schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil.

and this...

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

and this...

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...

There it is. It's so completely simple....be still, stop fretting, turn from wrath and anger, Know that He is God and He is working in every situation that I am experiencing. So very simple...and yet requiring great intentionality (is that even a word?)and requiring that I lay down my will and allow God to quiet my heart and empower me, by His spirit, to do what He has called me to do...which is..to become like Him...meek and gentle and humble in heart.....and to find rest in the knowledge that He is the blessed controller of all things.

On another note; I am realizing from the e-mails and private messages I've been getting from so many lovely women...(you know who you are and I am so, so grateful for your prayers and words of encouragement)....that I was unclear in my blog post about the difficulties in my marriage and I gave the impression that Vern continues to be an unbeliever. I'm sorry I wasn't clear. Vern was an unbeliever when we got married but accepted Christ as his Lord within a few months after we were married.

Seek things above...

I know I must seem like I am all over the place with these feelings, doubts, fears, emotions, and beliefs...and maybe I am.

Here's where I am at...in my natural self, I want what is going to make me happy. I want what I want.

But there's another me...the one who has been joined to Christ...and that person wants only to do His will and please Him.

These two "selfs" seem to be at war in my mind and heart.

I "think" I know what I want...what I want is to be out of this painful marriage. Then I open the Word and begin reading and everything I read convicts my heart that divorce cannot be an option for me.

I married my husband for better or for worse. I made a vow before God Almighty that I would love and serve my husband all the days of my life. I didn't vow to love and serve him only when it served me, or when it was easy, or when I got something in return. I simply promised to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I am struggling with it. I am sorry that I made that vow. But right now, I simply cannot break it. There's a still small voice in my heart that won't allow me to let go.

Maybe I'm co-dependant, maybe it's the Spirit of God whispering his truth to my heart. I honestly don't know which it is...but now, today....I have to heed that voice in my heart and have in myself the same attitude that was in Christ Jesus...

Philippians 2:5-11
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

If Christ Jesus, who was, and is, Lord of the universe, could lay down His rights and be obedient to do God's will to the point of becoming a servant, to the point of dying on a cross in my place....to become NOTHING when He is Lord of all creation...then who am I to refuse to lay down my rights and wants and desires and do what I feel is right in accordance with scripture?

How do I walk this out? I think maybe this is how...

Colossians 3:1-5
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is hard. I am fearful that submitting to God's will for me means to live in this awful, lonely marriage for the rest of my life. But maybe that fear is a lie...or maybe it's reality...either way I have to trust that in the center of God's will, keeping my eyes focused on Him...is where I belong.

Who will I be...

that's one of the questions I have. So much of my life is lived on the internet (as seems to be the case with women who have husbands who ignore them) and everywhere I go I am "VernsWifeVickie." Who am I going to be now?

These are the things I wonder about.

Talking myself through this...

...I'm hoping that talking to myself here on my blog will help me sort this stuff out in my head.

Sunday I was SURE that divorce was looming in my future. But then Sunday Night/Monday morning I wasn't so sure. Vern came to me and told me he was willing to do whatever it was going to take to save this marriage...oh my goodness...I sooo want to believe that. I sooo don't want to have to go through the pain of divorce.

This afternoon, after work, I caught him in another lie...how can you say you want to build a marriage, based on trust, and then intentionally lie? I don't get it.

Maybe I don't get it because it's not rational..maybe that's it.

I asked him to move out.

Did I mention that I lead a small group bible study twice a month? I am going tomorrow night and lay out what's happening in my life to the girls in my study....I am going to step down, I think.

Did I mention that I asked him to move out? I'm sure he won't but I asked him to anyway.

My Prayer

I wrote this in my journal this morning.

Lord,

Please help me and forgive me for turning my face away from you when times are hard.

I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know if I am willing to try. Lord, please make me willing. Help to accept whatever circumstances are in my life with grace and trust.

I confess that my heart is filled with anger, disappointment, bitterness and hopelessness. I am sorry Lord, I know that none of these emotions are pleasing to you nor healthy for me. Cleanse me and create in me a clean heart and a willing spirit to face whatever lies ahead for me. Empower me by your Spirit to be willing to do whatever it takes to build my marriage and to have the grace to love and forgive...no matter what the outcome is.

In Your name I pray...
Amen

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, Oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
foe I will yet praise Him

Reality...

...it's not that I haven't been honest on my blog over these past months, or years, I'm not really sure how long I've been blogging.....but the things I blog about are true and real and from my heart....it's that there are subjects and circumstances that I just avoid bringing to my blog. I'm not sure why....maybe it's out of a sense of privacy, or respect, or maybe it's me hiding behind a facade that I have it all together. This morning I'm here to say...I soooo don't have it all together.

Things feel like they are coming apart at the seams....and I think maybe they are.

Here's the reality of what I am struggling with right now. One thing is my marriage and one is my job.

My marriage....I met Vern in 2001 after (during, really) a very difficult divorce. I had been in a mariage for nine years with a man I met in church, I served with in church and who, on the surface, everyone thought was a good, solid Christian man. The man I went to church with was not the man I lived with. And in all honesty....the woman he went to church with was not the woman he lived with. I didn't know how to respond to the issues between us with anything other than anger...so our home was a war zone. We fought it out and hung in for nine years, wounding each other more and more deeply as the years went on. And, I might add, wounding my sons with the anger, stress and tension that hung thick in the air in our home. I ended up on the psychiatrist's couch and on three different antidepressants to begin to lift the fog of despair and hopelessness that had engulfed my very being when that marriage finally ended.

It was during this time that I met Vern. There was a sweetness about him that drew me to him immediately. I was disillusioned with God, and Christianity , and church......and I clung to Vern like a port in a storm even though he wasn't a Christian and didn't even believe in God. We were inseparable from the beginning and fell head over heels in love...well at least that's what I thought. When I married him I did it in virtual secrecy so that I wouldn't have to listen to the warnings and cautions of my friends.

So anyway...fast forward to now. We have been married amost five years. We don't really fight much. But we don't talk really either. We live together separately. There is no companionship...unless we are out doing something. I will say that....Vern is a great companion to go someplace with. But as soon as we get in the door at home, all companionship ends. The television comes on and I am once again completely ignored. There is no affection and we are celibate.

I have begged and cried and gotten angry over it...all to no avail. I have tried to be a better wife so that I am not somehow pushing him away....but I am finally realizing that I am not the cause of Vern being unable or unwilling to love me.

I know that there are wives who live in these loveless marriages for years on end and they do it with grace and peace and contentment...but that's not me. As hard as I have tried to convince myself that I can be completely fulfilled in the Lord...it's not happening. There is a hole on my heart that grows a bit larger with each passing week. I am struggling so hard to try and avoid having that hole fill itself up with biterness and resentment....and I seem to be failing at it.

So all of that is leading up to this...I told Vern this weekend that we either get some counseling and BOTH try to build a solid marriage...or I am filing for divorce.
I realize that's harsh and possibly even sinful...but I am done being married all by myself.

And I am frightened and feeling oh so very vulnerable right now..that's the reality of it.