Harsh Words...

Yesterday I said something harsh in commenting on AmyB's blog. I responded to a commentor who called herself "simpleannie" in words that were not very kind. I flippantly typed "simpleannie….step away from the koolaid, slowly step away….." It was wrong of me to respond in such a patronizing, derogotory tone and I sincerely apologize to simpleannie, to AmyB, and to anyone else who read my comment.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how wrong and how counterproductive it is for me to respond to anyone in that manner. Am I the only one who wakes up in the night thinking about this stuff? I doubt it.

So anyway....I woke up thinking about my harsh words and remembering what made me decide to leave Kimkins. When I made the decision to leave Kimkins it wasn't because of comments about "drinking the koolaid," being a cult member, being to stupid to see the truth or any of the many such things I saw being said about Kimkins members. Those types of statements only served to make me want to dig my heels in deeper. Those types of statements, in my mind, gave less credibility to those who were making them. What that finally opened my eyes to the truth about Kimkins, Kimmer/Heidi Diaz were the words of someone who was nice, who didn't gossip, didn't say derogotory things about others, and who seemed to always find something encouraging or positive to everyone. Much like AmyB this person was always nice to everyone. This person was Becky, aka Littlebit. When Becky left the site and we were lied to about it I began exchanging e-mails with her. The truth was revealed to me in those e-mails.

My point in sharing that story is first of all AmyB, keep doing what you're doing. There are people whom your words will reach who will choose to see the truth. Secondly, for anyone who is reading AmyB's blog and wondering why she is speaking against Heidi and Singinglass, or speaking out in a way that's not the norm for her, please consider the source. Rather than chastize her for speaking out in a way that you aren't familiar with, consider that she is stepping out of her comfort zone to speak out in order to right a wrong. I've seen more than one instance of people questioning AmyB, asking something to the effect of "Amy, you were always so nice, why are you speaking out against Heidi or Singinglass this way" (my paraphrase) Please stop and think. If AmyB's words are not the nice words you are used to hearing from her, it's not because she is no longer a nice person. It's because she is a nice person and she's seen the truth and the truth is important to her.

Like I said earlier, keep doing what you're doing AmyB. Keep picking those flowers! You're doing a great job.

Crazy Crash Diets

That's what I'm thinking about this morning. Crazy crash diets. So I wonder, which came first for me, the ED (specifically binge eating) or the years of crazy crash diets? Was I born with a predisposition to binging? Or is it a behavior I have developed as a result of abusing my body with diets for all of my adult life? I have a feeling that it's a bit of both.

Personally, I am done with Crazy Crash Diets! No more! I am going to learn to eat a healthy diet. I am going to learn to stop worshipping food and then trying avoid the effects of that worship by doing extreme diets. For me, at this point in my journey, the "Let's Do Lunch" plan is helping me with that. I am learning to eat from all the food groups while still avoiding flour and sugar. For others it is doing a healthy low carb plan, or a healthy calorie controlled plan. The point is, whatever plan a person chooses, it needs to be healthy.

I am somewhat troubled this morning. I belong to several weight loss forums and on each one I see those who are doing reasonable, healthy, life style changing plans. But then there are the others, people like me who tend to gravitate toward the exteme. I see those who are eating only meat and eggs, only meat and water, only egg whites....well, you get the idea. On each weight loss forum I see crazy crash diets being promoted. ...and followed. I see people who have made a name for themselves in the low carb community trying these extreme measures. It makes me sad. When someone has made a name for themself in the weight loss community people look up to that person. People try things they wouldn't normally try because "so and so" is doing it. That's how I discovered Kimkins. Because someone with a name in the low carb community was doing it so it must be ok.

I don't know what the answer is to all of this. I just know that for me...I've had enough of Crazy Crash dieting!

Why?

That's the question that has circled my brain for the past few months. Why? Not so much wondering why Heidi Diaz did what she did. But why did I fall for her scam?





It was late one night in May 2007. I was home alone and once again was feeling low and berating myself for yet another binge. I was cruising the internet and I followed a link from somewhere. I don't even remember where now but I do remember that it something that involved Jimmy Moore. I stumbled across these photos

Looking back, I can't believe I believed those photos! Now in my defense, I knew it was probably airbrushed and photoshopped to look that good, just like the photos in a magazine. I'd seen those ads by "Dove" that show the attractive but average looking woman transformed into a beauty queen by airbrushing and photoshopping. I knew that the photo would have had to be altered to make Heidi Diaz look that good, but I did believe it was her. How absurd!

The crazy thing about all of that is that I had seen Heidi Diaz's posts on "Low Carb Friends." I had seen her posts, read about the Kimkins diet and always knew it was too extreme. I had always just dismissed it as being too severe, something I would never be able to do. But that night, with those images looking back at me from my computer screen, something happened in my brain. Looking at those photos, I felt hope. (Wow, typing those words, even now, makes me cry. ) So anyway, I clicked on the link to Kimkins and began to read the success stories. I spent a long time that night reading success stories. I didn't join that night. I thought about it that night and joined the next day.

Looking back...I've been looking back alot lately......I didn't tell my family and friends the truth about what I was doing. I told them I was eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables." Even in my own mind I said that....but somewhere deep inside I knew I was lying to myself. The weight started to come off rapidly, just as promised. The forums at Kimkins were friendly and upbeat. I didn't know at the time that the forums were being carefully moderated to keep the appearance that way. For the first time in my life I was in control of my eating. I was losing weight like never before, I wasn't hungry. I discovered the "eggwhite challenge." I started having eggwhites for breakfast and lunch. I continued to lie about what I was eating. I made sure that no one knew I was eating eggwhites for two meals a day. My friends and family only saw me eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables."

I logged every bite I ate into "Fitday." I kept my calories at around 600 a day and felt guilty about not being able to get them down lower than that. I was dizzy and my thinking was foggy. I couldn't sleep at night and my muscles ached terribly even though I was taking a plethora of supplements. I remember one day I was delivering meals for "Meals on Wheels," and I turned right into the path of an oncoming car. I have never told anyone about that day. Thankfully the other driver was alert and avoided hitting me. But, there was a moment when I knew. I knew that incident happened because my thinking was foggy and I knew it was because of the diet. But I pushed that knowledge far back into my mind and continued on.

I stayed on the Kimkins diet for about 3 months. I lost 27 pounds. Not a huge amount but at 49 years old, with surgically induced menopause, it was a huge amount to me.

Hmmm...I said this post was going to be about Why? But it looks like it has turned in to a confession of sorts. I guess it was time for me to be completely honest about my time on Kimkins and my thought process at the time. It's time for me to admit to myself and everyone else that I lied about my time on Kimkins and how I felt while I was doing the Kimkins diet plan. Even in my earlier blog posts about Kimkins I said I felt good while I was doing Kimkins. That is just not true. I did not feel good and it's time to set the record straight. I am so sorry for the lies. It's weird, I wasn't intentionally lying. I was lying to myself as well.

These blog posts seem to take on a life of their own and go in directions I don't expect them to go. But maybe that's ok. Maybe it's part of the process. Maybe it's because what is dawning on me over the past few months is that I have an eating disorder. Maybe that's the why of it all.

I lurk alot on the "fascination" threads at "Low Carb Friends" I don't post there much but I lurk there daily. I read the posts and follow the links and I have learned alot about disordered eating from doing so. I have come to realize that I have an eating disorder. That is something I never would have believed about myself....but it's true. So I would like to thank the "Duck Squad" at LCF for doing what you do. In the beginning, I argued with you. There have been times when I have felt like ducks are scary. But I always read what you post. Thank you for making me see the truth.

There is so much more that I have to say about all of this. But this is all I can do right now.

Size 14 Jeans

This morning I'm thinking about my size 14 jeans. Yesterday as I was getting ready for work and pulling my size 14 jeans on, I realized that once again I was feeling sad. I was feeling sad because those size 14 jeans were a reminder for me that just a few months ago I was pulling on size 12 jeans, and they were getting loose. It was such a victorious feeling for me to be in size 12 jeans.

Never mind that people warned me that losing weight on Kimkins was unhealthy and wasn't going to be a loss I would be able to sustain. I was shrinking and that's all that mattered to me. But then, I started noticing when I looked in the mirror, that I was looking so old. And I was looking old all of the sudden? Could it be my diet? Then I began to notice that my skin was just sort of sagging. Could that be my diet as well? There were nagging doubts. Looking back, I have to admit that part of why I stayed on Kimkins was because I didn't want to admit I was wrong. I didn't want to admit that I was one of "those people" who fell for a scam. But I was, and that's another reason I was feeling sad about my size 14 jeans. They symbolized the roller coaster ride of stupid crash dieting, being scammed, feeling like a fool, realizing my disordered thoughts about eating, and regaining my weight. Those jeans were reminding me of alot of things and I was feeling sort of sad about it all.

But then, I remembered the day I was able to squeeze into size 14 jeans after years of being in size 18 and 20 jeans. I remembered the joy of pulling those size 14 jeans over my shrinking hips! And it dawned on me. I haven't failed in my quest for a slimmer, happier life! I am still slimmer than I was 2 years ago. My health is improving every day since I stopped doing Kimkins. Yes, I fell for the scam. But Heidi Diaz didn't win. She doesn't have the last say in all of this. My journey for a slimmer healthier life will continue and if justice is served, her life will continue in jail.

So this morning as I pull on my size 14 jeans to go to work, I will be grateful. I will be thankful for lessons learned, and I will feel joy as I pull those jeans up over my hips!

This is a great song that really spoke to my heart this morning when I watched it. Sometimes in my efforts to "fix" myself I can forget that the only one who can cause me to be the person I am striving to become is my Heavenly Father.

This is "Undo" by Rush of Fools

Let's Do Lunch

So, I have finally settled on a plan that I can feel good about. I am doing the "Let's Do Lunch" plan. I've been following it for about a week now and I am loving it so far. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to lose weight on this plan but I am enjoying eating again. I'm not feeling the need to graze all day long, stuffing one thing and then another in my mouth to try and satisfy these crazy cravings I've been experiencing since Kimkins. It will be interesting to see if I can lose weight eating this way but right now it's enough that I don't feel crazy from the uncontrollable cravings anymore.

It's about time for an update, don't you think?

So, back in October I had decided I was going to be better about keeping up my blog. As you can see, that didn't happen. I think I just haven't known what to say. It's been months since I was banned from the Kimkins website and yet I find myself still dealing with the aftermath of it all. I only followed the Kimkins plan for a short time. I only lost 27 pounds, most of which I have gained back. My hair has become healthy again. I'm grateful for that.

This whole experience with Kimkins has made me stop and think about alot of things. One thing I have had to realize is that I don't know everything I think I know. I am an intelligent woman and I fell for the lies. That's been hard to face, admit, come to terms with, and move on. At least, I think I've moved on. Some days I'm not so sure. One thing I am still troubled by is the realization that there are people like Heidi Diaz. I mean, I knew there were people like her but none have really been a part of my reality before. I have "met" so many nice people on the internet and I have mostly just taken them at face value. Now a part of that is spoiled. Now there is always the knowledge that the person behind the smiling avatar, the person I am conversing with, might be someone completely different than who or what they are portraying themself to be. It's kinda creepy now. It's got me a little bit freaked out, if the truth be told. I am not nearly as active on line as I used to be. Like I said, it's kinda creepy now. I lurk alot. I don't post much anymore.

I was going to say more tonight. I started this post over the weekend but now it's Thursday 3/20 and I don't know how to change the date on the post.....anyway, I was going to say more tonight but thinking about this makes me feel sort of sad......almost homesick for the way things felt before Kimkins....so I am going to stop for now. For tonight this is enough.