Friday, September 18, 2009

I've been struggling..

...I've been struggling with many things over the past few weeks.Maybe you can tell because I haven't been blogging..LOL. I do tend to withdraw and isolate when I'm not doing well. So anyway, I've been struggling...and praying...and trying to trust God...and finding myself feeling fearful and resentful....and just spiraling down.

But this isn't so much a post about the stuff that's going on that is testing my faith. It's a post about how God continues to minister to my heart and cover me with grace and mercy as I walk it out.

So, let's start with a day about ten days or so ago. (I think) I was driving to work one morning .....early....because I had more work to do than I felt I could get done. As I was driving I was sort of talking (whining really) to God about how unsupported I was feeling in all that was going on. My car was so dirty that I couldn't even see out the back window to back out of the driveway that morning. We are no longer allowed to wash our cars in our driveway at our condo, and I just hadn't had time to go to the car wash. Now I know no one else would EVER think this...LOL...but I was actually complaining to God that some women have husbands who look out for them and take care of them...and park on the street so their wife can park in the garage...and GASP...even surprise them by getting their car washed for them. Oh yes, I was having quite the little, spoiled brat, whiney conversation with my Heavenly Father. Then I arrived at work, parked my car and went in to start my busy day.

A few hours later I looked up to see the mobile detail guys scrubbing away on my car! I stopped, dead in my tracks and just watched, with tears rolling down my cheeks, for a few minutes as the detail guys worked away on my dirty car. I didn't have the sense to snap a photo for this blog post though...because I am out of the habit! I was flabbergasted that God had actually responded to my need to feel supported, even though I wasn't "in faith"...I was whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself...and He met my small and really insignificant as it was...He used a car wash guy to minister His grace to my heart. I kept whispering, "Thank you Jesus," as I watched. I couldn't wait to tell my boss and then my sister about this wonderful thing that God had done.....using a car wash guy to show me that He loves me and that no matter what Vern does or doesn't do, I have a heavenly husband who loves me completely and perfectly. Oh yeah, THAT DAY I GOT IT...I understood it...and I had a God moment.

But...the next day I was complaining again...just as if the miracle car wash had never taken place.

Then one day a few days later as I was again driving and fretting and feeling discontented...I found myself behind this car at a signal light. (Notice THIS TIME I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture...It's illegal to talk on the phone while driving here..well without a hands free accessory anyway...I wonder if it's legal to photograph with my phone while driving?...LOL)

You might not be able to see it clearly but the license plate reads, "restnhm" in Him...again, I knew that God had orchestrated my day so the events and circumstances would minister His grace and peace to me. I couldn't wait to get home and show my sister...she smiled that smile and said "That's really nice, honey."...yeah sometimes you just had to be there...LOL

So morning a few days ago, I was getting redy for work. I was thinking about all the stress of work, and marriage, and an out of work husband with a broken foot (and considering throwing myself down the stairs so I can lay on the couch all day and watch CSI while my foot heals.) I was thinking how hard it is to trust God when life gets sideways...and all started swirling around in my mind...the God moments in the midst of the triel, my untrusting whiney, complaining heart, the circumstances...

and I found myself thinking about the story of the guy whose house is flooding and God sends a sherriff, a boat and a helicopter to save him, but he's waiting for God to save him in a miraculous he dies. When he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" And God answers, "I sent a sherrif, a boat and a helicopter but you wouldn't accept them, so you died." And suddenly I realized that God had been sending me moments of encouragement to tell me that I am never alone. I am never unsupported, He always has and always will meet my needs and support me and love me, and care for me in a way that no person ever, ever will. he was sending me these things and I was receiving them for a moment and then getting bogged back down in the cares of life and forgetting them.

Then my mind went to the 10 lepers that Jesus healed and only one turned back to praise and thank Him. I wondered if the other nine might have been blessed to be healed, even talking amongst themselves about how cool it was that Christ did that for them but simply failed to TURN AROUND and thank Him. Maybe they were grateful, just as I was momentarily grateful for the signs God sent me...but my gratitude didn't cause me to TURN stop heading down the path of murmering and complaining. To TURN AROUND and to be grateful enough to take my eyes off of all the circumstances and to fasten my gaze upon Him...the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, who cares for me and has promised to never leave me or forsake me.

I wonder...and today I am choosing to be grateful, to turn my eyes upon Jesus...and to TURN AROUND and PRAISE HIM.

Have a blessed day.


Grace said...

God loves a gracious child. This is a wonderful post. I love the license plate... quite the ahhah moment. Now, go START that car and come cross country. We could have some good times. I'll even let you watch CSI with your feet up... LOL

Amy B said...

Hey my sweet Friend. What a awesome post. Thank you for the gentle yet so powerful reminder. I also needed to hear that.
Love ya..

Vickie said...

Thank so much for your sweet comments you guys (gals)'s been a tough's always tough when I get my eyes off of the truth.

Anonymous said...

This was an awesome post. I have been feeling this way too, due to some really stressful times. Thank you for the wake up call.

Blessings, Trista