Friday, November 20, 2009

So...I've been walking...

As I mentioned, I'm baby-stepping my way back to healthy habits. I also mentioned that I've been in a funk. This week I decided that one step I could take toward a healthier lifestyle and feeling better would be to begin walking again. So I've been walking to work in the mornings. Nothing drastic or demanding....simply walking a mile to work.

This morning I was walking. I was simply walking along in the crisp, cool, morning air, my face turned upward toward the sun, feeling the warmth, both on the skin of my face and in the depth my heart, when all of the sudden I realized it felt good.....I felt good. And then I remembered why I began walking in the first place, several years ago. I remembered another time when I turned my face to the sun and warmed my skin and my soul...and I remembered the hope it gave me then...

Yes, I remembered and I felt joy..

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I've been in a funk...

I'm not sure why, but I have been in a funk...spiraling out of healthy lifestyle falling by the wayside...and allowing myslef to binge and be lazy. Of course with the binging comes the self loathing which turns into self pity...

Self, self, self....I am seeing a pattern here.....self.

So this morning I prayed this over my SELF...

Psalm 19:13
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.

This might seem unrelated to all this talk of self. But really it isn't. You see, I am realizing that I have been trying to overcome these behaviors in my my own strength, by my own power and in my own "wisdom" isn't working.

What I need is for God to "keep me from deliberate sins!" I need to rely on His power to strengthen me when I want to walk into the kitchen and eat everything I know I shouldn't eat!

I am done relying on my own power. I can't deliver myself from this trap. I need the power of God to intervene for me. I don't really know what that is going to look like. I am going to do my best to make healthy choices and begin to babystep my way back to a healthy lifestyle....and I am going to continue to cry out to God my Savior to deliver me from my own self destructive behavior. Then I will be free of the guilt and self loathing that takes my eyes off of my God and focuses them on me.