Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Today is the day...

As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I have been out of control and convincing myself that "it's not so bad" over the past few weeks. Today is the day that it stops. I have scarfed down the last of the ice cream cleaned out my fridge and I am ready to return to self control, discipline and accountability. So today I will begin to photo-journal my food choices again and get myself back on track.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Facing the results...

This morning I am finally ready to face the results of my out of control behavior with food over the past few weeks. It's not pretty. 8.2 pounds gained. Surprisingly, I am not terribly disappointed or upset over it. It is what it is.

My sister reminded me this week that self control is a fruit of the Spirit. So I will be looking to find my misplaced self control this week....and trusting the Holy Spirit to lead me in doing so.

That's all I have to say about the subject of my long overdue encounter with my scale this morning...oh except to say....I wore my peace sign socks on purpose....I am going to come to a place of peace with the scale one day...really, I am....

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Our Day Trip To The Zoo...

Yesterday we went on an adventure! We, (Vern, myself, Chris, and Autumn) took a trip to the San Diego Zoo. We rode the trolley....two trolleys and a bus, actually! We went to the zoo and then to the train, carousel and butterfly ride in Balboa park. We had a ball and we were sooo tired when we arrived home! I think these photos speak for themselves!

So...I woke up with this thought...

...I have been eating...no that's not quite right...I have been OVER EATING...and I am finally....truly...(maybe).....realizing that maybe there really is something to the idea that I am eating to stuff down feelings and emotions that I don't want to deal with.

Can this possibly be true? I think maybe it is. I realize that it looks pretty simple when I type the words here and read them back to myself. The phrase that goes through my head is, "Gee, really? Ya THINK maybe?" (sarcastic tone here)

You see...I have read for years that there is likely an emotional issue involved with overeating. On some level I know that that is true. But on another level, somewhere inside me, I feel like that's not really true. It's just that I like to eat and I like the taste of food and I have crappy self control. But maybe there's more to it than that. Maybe I really am eating to numb my feelings or at the very least to distract myself. (Oh my goodness, I just flashed on the visual image of a baby being comforted with a pacifier)

So anyway...My eating has been pretty much out of control for the past several weeks. Last time I checked (a few days ago) the scale had crept back up to 200 pounds.

There have been some things going on that have rocked me recently. I have struggled to come to terms with some personal, family issues in recent weeks. Coincidentally, these things surfaced at the same time I seem to have lost control of my healthy eating.

Hmmm...interesting...interesting indeed!

That's all I have to say about that right now :)

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Here I am...I haven't fallen of the face of the earth!

I am going to come back to blogging on a regular basis...really I am. Life has been a busy blur of training new employees and living life and learning to trust God more and more each day....in every situation.

Today I am dropping my package, for the Red, White and Blue Swap, at the post office and then heading out for a day of fun with my knight, my son, and my oh-so-precious granddaughter, Autumn. We are going to ride the trolley and the bus and end up at the zoo. I am looking forward to it very much. I should have some fun photos to share when we return!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

It's finally Saturday morning. I am sipping my second cup of coffee, leafing through a book of C.S. Lewis quotes, enjoying the cool breeze that's coming through my open window, luxuriating in the quiet of the early morning, and wishing I could just stay right here for a long time! Of course this quiet time that the early morning holds will soon come to an end. But right now it is here, and it is a wonderful balm to my weary self.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Few pictures from last weekend...

I spent Saturday with my favorite girl in the whole wide world!! It's been a while since Vern and I have had the privilege of keeping our precious little granddaughter on a Saturday afternoon. She spends Saturdays with her Daddy now. We are thrilled to see them spending so much time together and most Saturdays they hang out at my parents' house, so we can be with them if we choose to. But, there's something special about the days when we just get to have her with us and bring her to our place. Saturday was one of those times.

Of course I kept my camera handy. Of course I picked that Saturday to simply pull my hair out of my face, skip the make-up, and wear slouchy, stretchy pants and an oversized t-shirt! And of course this was the day that Vern decided to grab my camera and take some photos while I was playing with Autumn! I am not going to complain!!! I have often complained that I am not in very many of the photos of Autumn because I am usually the one taking the pictures....so make-up or not, hair styled or not, the world's most unflattering clothing or not...I am thrilled to have some photos of Autumn and me playing

So...here are some pictures from our fun day together

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

arrgghhhhh!!! I have no time!!!!....

I really do have things to share! I just have no time. How can life be so busy!!???

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I've been crazy busy!...

My life is a crazy, busy blur right now. Things are good. I will be back to my blogging, journaling, rambling,....whatever it is that I do here....when this crazy, busy week is over!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Happy Monday...

Once again, it's Monday. I am glad. This past weekend needed to come to an end. It was a long.difficult.weekend. I am glad it's over.

Vern and I attended a "Fireproof" marriage seminar at church this weekend. We watched the movie on Friday night and then Saturday morning was the actual seminar portion. Sunday's message was also about marriage.

I'm such an idiot sometimes with my expectations! I had this silly idea that we were going to go to this thing and it was going to somehow "click" and we were going to come away from it ready to have some sort of meaningful conversation about it and BOTH have this new resolve to make our marriage all that it can be...and frankly to talk about some of the issues we struggle with.

Let's just say it didn't quite go that way. The seminar was great. The teaching was biblical and very well presented.

My knight in somewhat rusty armor and I fought and fussed and made each other miserable for the entire weekend. If I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that it was mostly my fault that we fought. Oh, don't get me wrong, my knight's response to the teaching was far less than I would have hoped for...but I didn't respond well to his response....so we fought. It was ugly...hurtful things were said by both of us.

But, here we are this morning....still maried...still committed to each other and to making this marriage work....still in love. So I am glad it's Monday.

I bought the "Love Dare" book at the seminar. I am going to begin to read it in the next couple of days and maybe even ACTUALLY do the dare on Vern....and follow through...and see what God can do if I'll be willing to be the one to just put my frustrations aside and do the dare. God just might surprise me.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

What if you didn't have any clean panties?....

...that is the question that has been on my mind and heart for the past couple of days. Actually, it's also been the past couple of nights too as I have been waking in the night with the question on my mind...What if you didn't have clean panties?

As I was pouring my coffee this morning and thinking about writing this post to my blog, I remembered something my mom told me about myself as a child. she said that when I was a very small girl I always had a "thing" about clean panties. She said that when I was a toddler and learning to use the big girl potty, she had to be very careful to make sure that my white, Buster Brown panties, didn't slip from my legs and fall to the floor or they would surely have to be changed. She said that I simply refused to have them back on my body, because once they had been on the floor they were now "dirty" and couldn't be worn until they were washed. I remembered that story just 10 minutes ago.

Now here I am many years later. I still have a thing about clean panties. I am sitting in our spare bedroom where we keep our computers. In the next room...our bedroom...where my knight in somewhat rusty armor is sleeping...I have a chest of drawers. In that chest are two drawers that are stuffed so full they are hard to close. One has socks. I love fresh, clean socks. The other one is full to overflowing with panties. Clean....Fresh...Panties. I still have a "thing" about clean panties. I have been known to change them more than once a day...like if they fall on the floor when I use the big girl potty! No, not really. I have overcome my panties on the floor phobia. But, having clean, fresh panties is very much a big deal to me.

That brings me, finally, to the subject of this blog post!

On Thursday night I went out with a group from our church, headed up by my friend and employer, Zac. We went downtown to visit with the homeless. We brought food to give them. And water. But, honestly it felt like the food and water were secondary. the biggest thing was really just visiting with them, listening to them, sitting with them, sometimes praying for them. But mostly just being willing to sit down on the sidewalk and "be" with them.

I have to admit that, at first, I was terrified! I am, by nature, a very shy person. It's not easy for me to begin a conversation or make small talk with people I don't know. I have avoided going out with this group for a long time because I have been afraid. This time I was told that a special friend of mine was going to be there and she would need someone to partner up with, too. Somehow that helped me to face my fear and just go and do it! (Natalie, honey, you ROCK!!!)

So we all piled into the van with our bags of bagels, and hamburgers and water and off we headed...from the comfort and security of sitting in our living rooms in front of our televisions...to the streets of downtown San Diego. My boss said, at one point, "There is a great energy in this group tonight." I replied, "That's TERROR you are feeling!!!" This was so far out of my comfort zone, I can't even begin to tell you!

I could go on and on about our experience that night, but this is already becoming a very long post! So I'll cut to the heart of what I want to say.

As we were out there, walking the streets, sitting on the sidewalk. ...can I just take one more little rabbit trail here and say that there was something surreal about sitting on the sidewalk with people who were about to make it their bedroom for the night, while other people walked by, going about their lives, pretending not to notice, or maybe just feeling weird about walking through this makeshift "bedroom," on the same sidewalk!? Very surreal indeed! Anyway, as I was saying, we were out there and I was just completely struck with the reality of the WOMEN who are out there. I mean, I knew there were women out there...of course I knew it. But I didn't really "get it." It was made very real to me on Thursday night, as I sat on the sidewalk, among these people I too have walked by, time after time, feeling uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or do, and just keeping my head down and hurrying by, as I go about my life....but sitting with them.....knowing their names...Remember this post, when I talked about God knowing my name? He knows their names too...and now so do I. Well, not all of their names. But I do know a few. I met Deborah, and Anita, and Wendy, and Nicole. I sat on the sidewalk and visited with these women. We talked about where they came from, how long they had been in the streets, their families, their fears, my fears. The point is we talked. They became real people in my mind and heart...not just "The Homeless"...some anonymous segment of society.....now they are real people and I know some of their names. Now they are Deborah, and Anita, and Wendy, and Nicole.

So here's the real point of this blog post. As I sat there with these different women, who for whatever reason, are now living in the streets, the one thing that kept coming up in my mind...and continues to almost haunt me is this thought....

What if you didn't have any clean panties? What if you found yourself on the streets? What if you didn't have lotion to put on your hands when they felt all dry and rough? What if you didn't have access to wet wipes for "those" times? What if it was "that time of the month" and you didn't have feminine products? Or a hairbrush?

So, I have decided that I have to help. I am going to be putting together some type of personal hygiene packets to give out to these women when I go out there. I am still praying and researching the best items to put in these packets...but I do know this much...one of the items will be a clean, fresh, pair of panties.

Now what use is it, my brothers, for a man to say he "has faith" if his actions do not correspond with it? Could that sort of faith save anyone's soul? If a fellow man or woman has no clothes to wear and nothing to eat, and one of you say, "Good luck to you I hope you'll keep warm and find enough to eat", and yet give them nothing to meet their physical needs, what on earth is the good of that? Yet that is exactly what a bare faith without a corresponding life is like - useless and dead. If we only "have faith" a man could easily challenge us by saying, "you say that you have faith and I have merely good actions. Well, all you can do is to show me a faith without corresponding actions, but I can show you by my actions that I have faith as well."

To the man who thinks that faith by itself is enough I feel inclined to say, "So you believe that there is one God? That's fine. So do all the devils in hell and shudder in terror!" For, my dear short-sighted man, can't you see far enough to realise that faith without the right actions is dead and useless? (James 2:14-20 Phillip's translation)

- We know and, to some extent realise, the love of God for us because Christ expressed it in laying down his life for us. We must in turn express our love by laying down our lives for those who are our brothers. But as for the well-to-do man who sees his brothers in want but shuts his eyes - and his heart - how could anyone believe that the love of God lives in him? My children, let us not love merely in theory or in words - let us love in sincerity and in practice! (1 John 3:16-18 Phillip's translation)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Mamarazzi's Red, White and Blue Swap

She's at it again!!! Mamarazi is hosting another swap. These swaps are such fun! I am excited to participate again. Get over there and check it out!!! Click on the logo above to go see what it's all about. these swaps are such a fun way to get to know others in the blogging community!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We don't want to...really we don't

we don't EVEN want to talk about everything that I ate yesterday....we REALLY don't...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Coffee and Cat Hair

So, my sisters went on a little outing together yesterday while I was at work. They saw this coffee cup and bought it for me. They know that I not only love coffee, I love coffee mugs. And of course, I love cats. Have I mentioned how much I love cats? I really, really, really love cats. And with that love of cats comes....cat hair...it's everywhere...it's a big part of my life. So anyway, my sisters saw this cup in a little coffee shop they went to and they knew I had to have it.

Agnes loves it too and completely agrees with the sentiment on the cup. And yes, that is coffee that she is drinking. She loves coffee. She's a tad bit spoiled.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Just a quickie post this morning....

I am running late this morning but I wanted to at least post that I stayed on plan yesterday. My points total for the day was 23, which is exactly my target. One day of being 100% on plan under my belt! Yeah!

Monday, June 1, 2009

No More Nonsense.....

It's Monday morning, once again. And once again I find myself waking up to a new week with a new resolve to start fresh. I find myself tempted to be cynical about starting fresh...again. How many times does a girl get to start fresh!? As many times as it takes...that's what I say...it beats the heck out of the alternative which is to give up....doesn't it?

So this morning I chose to wear white socks, for my weigh in, as a symbol of a new, fresh, clean start. As I was digging through my sock drawer, which, by the way, has far too many socks for one person, I pulled out this pair with the words "No Nonsense" across the toes! Perfect!!! So here's to a new day, a new week, a new beginning and a fresh "No Nonsense" resolve to not only get back on track with my eating, but to be resolved to be in the word, spending my quiet time with the Lord in the mornings, and keeping my focus on the things that really matter.

My weight is up 1.2 pounds this week. No surprise there! I haven't been anywhere near "on-plan" this past week. There are a myriad of excuses but no real, valid reason other than CHOICE. I made the choice to ignore what I know to be good for me and it showed up on the scale just as I knew it would.

The bigger issue here, for me, is that I have made choices in other areas as well. Choices to not read my bible and pray as I should. Choices to focus on my circumstances rather than to focus on my Lord.....and it shows up in my heart. It's not as obvious as the numbers on the scale....but the change is there...ever so slowly drawing my heart away from where it belongs and ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, hardening it rather than softening it and allowing God's word to take root in it and set the course of my life.

So, I start today with a new resolve of "NO MORE NONSENSE!!!" and a prayer of....

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

One translation actually said, "and make me faithful again. That's my prayer, that God would cause me to be faithful again.

What a beautiful new day it's going to be....

Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.