Sunday, March 30, 2008

Why?

That's the question that has circled my brain for the past few months. Why? Not so much wondering why Heidi Diaz did what she did. But why did I fall for her scam?





It was late one night in May 2007. I was home alone and once again was feeling low and berating myself for yet another binge. I was cruising the internet and I followed a link from somewhere. I don't even remember where now but I do remember that it something that involved Jimmy Moore. I stumbled across these photos






Looking back, I can't believe I believed those photos! Now in my defense, I knew it was probably airbrushed and photoshopped to look that good, just like the photos in a magazine. I'd seen those ads by "Dove" that show the attractive but average looking woman transformed into a beauty queen by airbrushing and photoshopping. I knew that the photo would have had to be altered to make Heidi Diaz look that good, but I did believe it was her. How absurd!


The crazy thing about all of that is that I had seen Heidi Diaz's posts on "Low Carb Friends." I had seen her posts, read about the Kimkins diet and always knew it was too extreme. I had always just dismissed it as being too severe, something I would never be able to do. But that night, with those images looking back at me from my computer screen, something happened in my brain. Looking at those photos, I felt hope. (Wow, typing those words, even now, makes me cry. ) So anyway, I clicked on the link to Kimkins and began to read the success stories. I spent a long time that night reading success stories. I didn't join that night. I thought about it that night and joined the next day.

Looking back...I've been looking back alot lately......I didn't tell my family and friends the truth about what I was doing. I told them I was eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables." Even in my own mind I said that....but somewhere deep inside I knew I was lying to myself. The weight started to come off rapidly, just as promised. The forums at Kimkins were friendly and upbeat. I didn't know at the time that the forums were being carefully moderated to keep the appearance that way. For the first time in my life I was in control of my eating. I was losing weight like never before, I wasn't hungry. I discovered the "eggwhite challenge." I started having eggwhites for breakfast and lunch. I continued to lie about what I was eating. I made sure that no one knew I was eating eggwhites for two meals a day. My friends and family only saw me eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables."


I logged every bite I ate into "Fitday." I kept my calories at around 600 a day and felt guilty about not being able to get them down lower than that. I was dizzy and my thinking was foggy. I couldn't sleep at night and my muscles ached terribly even though I was taking a plethora of supplements. I remember one day I was delivering meals for "Meals on Wheels," and I turned right into the path of an oncoming car. I have never told anyone about that day. Thankfully the other driver was alert and avoided hitting me. But, there was a moment when I knew. I knew that incident happened because my thinking was foggy and I knew it was because of the diet. But I pushed that knowledge far back into my mind and continued on.


I stayed on the Kimkins diet for about 3 months. I lost 27 pounds. Not a huge amount but at 49 years old, with surgically induced menopause, it was a huge amount to me.


Hmmm...I said this post was going to be about Why? But it looks like it has turned in to a confession of sorts. I guess it was time for me to be completely honest about my time on Kimkins and my thought process at the time. It's time for me to admit to myself and everyone else that I lied about my time on Kimkins and how I felt while I was doing the Kimkins diet plan. Even in my earlier blog posts about Kimkins I said I felt good while I was doing Kimkins. That is just not true. I did not feel good and it's time to set the record straight. I am so sorry for the lies. It's weird, I wasn't intentionally lying. I was lying to myself as well.

These blog posts seem to take on a life of their own and go in directions I don't expect them to go. But maybe that's ok. Maybe it's part of the process. Maybe it's because what is dawning on me over the past few months is that I have an eating disorder. Maybe that's the why of it all.


I lurk alot on the "fascination" threads at "Low Carb Friends" I don't post there much but I lurk there daily. I read the posts and follow the links and I have learned alot about disordered eating from doing so. I have come to realize that I have an eating disorder. That is something I never would have believed about myself....but it's true. So I would like to thank the "Duck Squad" at LCF for doing what you do. In the beginning, I argued with you. There have been times when I have felt like ducks are scary. But I always read what you post. Thank you for making me see the truth.


There is so much more that I have to say about all of this. But this is all I can do right now.

2 comments:

Christin said...

Vicki - What a brave post. I too find myself looking back and wondering what on earth I was thinking, thinking that 500 cals a day was a healthy way to lose weight. And we were "proud" of how low they were and you're right.. guilty that they couldn't be lower. I am just so glad that you've been able to get into a healthier way of eating and that hopefully the damage that we suffered isn't long-term. You are an amazing woman and I'm proud to call you one of my friends.

VernsWifeVickie said...

Christin, Thank you so much for your comment. I am honored that you consider me a friend as I do you.