I've been thinking...

Back in May of 2007, when I paid my $44.95 to purchase a "lifetime" membership at Kimkins, I never dreamed that it would mark the beginning of a year in which I would be forced to realize that my relationship to food and dieting has been so completely unhealthy.

My "lifetime" membership at Kimkins lasted until the beginning of September. Four months....lifetime....Hmmmm. My story of my Kimkins experience is here in earlier posts so I won't go through it all again.I only bring that up to say that my four month, "lifetime" membership at Kimkins is changing my life....just not in the way I thought it would.

Knowing what I know now, would I join Kimkins again? Of course not! The Kimkins diet plan is a dangerous plan that leads to health problems and eating disorders for those who don't already have them and exacerbates disordered eating patterns in those who do already have them. I will celebrate the day that her site is taken off the web and she goes to jail for her actions. But, I am one who believes that God causes all things to work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) I believe that He is using my experience at Kimkins to teach me some things, and in the end He will cause me to be better and stronger for the experience.

One thing that falling for the Kimkins diet scam has caused me to do is to stop and think about dieting and emotional eating and, yes, even idolatry, and the role these things play in my life. I've had to face some very unpleasant truths about myself.

Before I go any further, I need to say, I am not writing this blog post to preach at anyone, or to try and sway anyone to my way of thinking. I am simply journaling my journey and how it plays out in my life. I am a born again Christian and that fact is simply a part, or at least it should be a part, of everything in my life. Unfotunately, until recently, my Christianity hasn't affected my relationship to food and dieting. That is changing. Change isn't easy...and it's often not very pretty either!

As with most things, there was a moment of revealation that caused me to stop in my tracks and see that my focus has been wrong. That moment came for me when the deposition photos of Heidi Diaz/Kimmer were released.

When I saw the above photo of Heidi with that smug look on her face and realized once and for all that this was the woman I had been taking advice from, well, it just made me sick to my stomach. I had no choice but to realize I had a pretty desperate relationship with food and dieting. To this day, every time I look at that photo, it not only makes me sick, but the following passage of scripture comes to my mind:

Isaiah 55:2,3a

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me;hear me, that your soul may live.

It's difficult for me to put into words what my heart feels when I see that photo and think of that passage of scripture. It's like the Lord is saying to me, "why have you been turning to this diet plan or that diet plan, this diet guru or that diet guru, to heal your broken relationship with food? Don't you know that I am the Lord who loves you and heals you and will make you whole? The answer is not in yet another plan or book. Come to me, let me heal your brokeness. Look who you have chosen to trust and realize that the answer to your brokeness is not in anything that the world might offer you. Come to Me and allow Me to satisfy your soul and fill that empty place that you have been trying to fill with food for your entire life."

There is no way I can put into one post the things that have been strring in my heart and mind over the past few months so this is the first of several posts about this journey I am embarking on.

I have to say that while the moment of truth finally sinking in came when I looked at the deposition photos, that moment would not have happened if I hadn't been reading the posts of a group of "ducks" at LowCarbFriends.com. It was the information provided on the "Fascination" threads there that primed my heart and mind to see the truth. Thank you ducks!

Why?

That's the question that has circled my brain for the past few months. Why? Not so much wondering why Heidi Diaz did what she did. But why did I fall for her scam?





It was late one night in May 2007. I was home alone and once again was feeling low and berating myself for yet another binge. I was cruising the internet and I followed a link from somewhere. I don't even remember where now but I do remember that it something that involved Jimmy Moore. I stumbled across these photos

Looking back, I can't believe I believed those photos! Now in my defense, I knew it was probably airbrushed and photoshopped to look that good, just like the photos in a magazine. I'd seen those ads by "Dove" that show the attractive but average looking woman transformed into a beauty queen by airbrushing and photoshopping. I knew that the photo would have had to be altered to make Heidi Diaz look that good, but I did believe it was her. How absurd!

The crazy thing about all of that is that I had seen Heidi Diaz's posts on "Low Carb Friends." I had seen her posts, read about the Kimkins diet and always knew it was too extreme. I had always just dismissed it as being too severe, something I would never be able to do. But that night, with those images looking back at me from my computer screen, something happened in my brain. Looking at those photos, I felt hope. (Wow, typing those words, even now, makes me cry. ) So anyway, I clicked on the link to Kimkins and began to read the success stories. I spent a long time that night reading success stories. I didn't join that night. I thought about it that night and joined the next day.

Looking back...I've been looking back alot lately......I didn't tell my family and friends the truth about what I was doing. I told them I was eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables." Even in my own mind I said that....but somewhere deep inside I knew I was lying to myself. The weight started to come off rapidly, just as promised. The forums at Kimkins were friendly and upbeat. I didn't know at the time that the forums were being carefully moderated to keep the appearance that way. For the first time in my life I was in control of my eating. I was losing weight like never before, I wasn't hungry. I discovered the "eggwhite challenge." I started having eggwhites for breakfast and lunch. I continued to lie about what I was eating. I made sure that no one knew I was eating eggwhites for two meals a day. My friends and family only saw me eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables."

I logged every bite I ate into "Fitday." I kept my calories at around 600 a day and felt guilty about not being able to get them down lower than that. I was dizzy and my thinking was foggy. I couldn't sleep at night and my muscles ached terribly even though I was taking a plethora of supplements. I remember one day I was delivering meals for "Meals on Wheels," and I turned right into the path of an oncoming car. I have never told anyone about that day. Thankfully the other driver was alert and avoided hitting me. But, there was a moment when I knew. I knew that incident happened because my thinking was foggy and I knew it was because of the diet. But I pushed that knowledge far back into my mind and continued on.

I stayed on the Kimkins diet for about 3 months. I lost 27 pounds. Not a huge amount but at 49 years old, with surgically induced menopause, it was a huge amount to me.

Hmmm...I said this post was going to be about Why? But it looks like it has turned in to a confession of sorts. I guess it was time for me to be completely honest about my time on Kimkins and my thought process at the time. It's time for me to admit to myself and everyone else that I lied about my time on Kimkins and how I felt while I was doing the Kimkins diet plan. Even in my earlier blog posts about Kimkins I said I felt good while I was doing Kimkins. That is just not true. I did not feel good and it's time to set the record straight. I am so sorry for the lies. It's weird, I wasn't intentionally lying. I was lying to myself as well.

These blog posts seem to take on a life of their own and go in directions I don't expect them to go. But maybe that's ok. Maybe it's part of the process. Maybe it's because what is dawning on me over the past few months is that I have an eating disorder. Maybe that's the why of it all.

I lurk alot on the "fascination" threads at "Low Carb Friends" I don't post there much but I lurk there daily. I read the posts and follow the links and I have learned alot about disordered eating from doing so. I have come to realize that I have an eating disorder. That is something I never would have believed about myself....but it's true. So I would like to thank the "Duck Squad" at LCF for doing what you do. In the beginning, I argued with you. There have been times when I have felt like ducks are scary. But I always read what you post. Thank you for making me see the truth.

There is so much more that I have to say about all of this. But this is all I can do right now.

It's about time for an update, don't you think?

So, back in October I had decided I was going to be better about keeping up my blog. As you can see, that didn't happen. I think I just haven't known what to say. It's been months since I was banned from the Kimkins website and yet I find myself still dealing with the aftermath of it all. I only followed the Kimkins plan for a short time. I only lost 27 pounds, most of which I have gained back. My hair has become healthy again. I'm grateful for that.

This whole experience with Kimkins has made me stop and think about alot of things. One thing I have had to realize is that I don't know everything I think I know. I am an intelligent woman and I fell for the lies. That's been hard to face, admit, come to terms with, and move on. At least, I think I've moved on. Some days I'm not so sure. One thing I am still troubled by is the realization that there are people like Heidi Diaz. I mean, I knew there were people like her but none have really been a part of my reality before. I have "met" so many nice people on the internet and I have mostly just taken them at face value. Now a part of that is spoiled. Now there is always the knowledge that the person behind the smiling avatar, the person I am conversing with, might be someone completely different than who or what they are portraying themself to be. It's kinda creepy now. It's got me a little bit freaked out, if the truth be told. I am not nearly as active on line as I used to be. Like I said, it's kinda creepy now. I lurk alot. I don't post much anymore.

I was going to say more tonight. I started this post over the weekend but now it's Thursday 3/20 and I don't know how to change the date on the post.....anyway, I was going to say more tonight but thinking about this makes me feel sort of sad......almost homesick for the way things felt before Kimkins....so I am going to stop for now. For tonight this is enough.

sick at heart....

Yesterday I was feeling so positive about putting the entire Kimkins experience behind me...but it just keeps rearing its ugly head. Yesterday I learned that both Deni and Christin might have some very serious health issues going on, related to their time doing the Kimkins diet. The whole idea that these two vibrant young women are now having to deal with possible health issues caused from their efforts to lose weight and become healthier just makes me sick at heart.

It is just so completely wrong that this is going on and continues to go on....the website is still up and running. People continue to do this diet and damage their health. It's more than "just" having some hair loss, issues with menstrual cycles, and messed up metabolism....Time after time I've seen posts on message board forums from women who say they are willing to risk these possible side effects in order to acheive the dream of being slim. Unfortunately, there is alot more at stake here than our hair! When we starve our bodies our bodies respond by feeding off of our muscle tissue....including our HEARTS!!!!

If you are doing the Kimkins diet...PLEASE STOP NOW!!! The long term damage you might be doing to your body is just too high of a price to pay. Whatever you think of Heidi Diaz/Kimmer....whatever your thoughts on all of the controversy....however successful you think you are on the plan....please stop and think......the price is too high...the diet is too dangerous. There are healthy ways to lose the weight...and Kimkins is not one of them.