Wow! It's almost 2009 already!...

I can hardley believe that I am sitting here and it's almost 2009 already! There's so much on my heart that I would like to blog about but what a crazy day is ahead of me! It's New Year's Eve, it's Autumn's forth birthday, and it's mine and Vern's anniversary. I have got to get moving....so tomorrow morning, when it's quiet and the rest of the world is sleeping off the festivities of tonight's celebration, I will come here and put the words that are on my heart into this blog.

Day Two, back on plan...

so, today was the second day of my re-committment to a healthy eating plan. Part of me is embarrassed to begin blogging about being back on plan yet again and yet the alternative is what?...to give up? So...here I am....back on plan AGAIN...and blogging about it.

I ended up going to my parents' house today to weigh myself. On one hand it was worse than I thought and yet on the other hand, on some level, I felt like it could have been a whole lot worse. It was very much a reckoning to step on that scale again. What is it about a number on a scale that can make me feel sick and shakey and ashamed all at once? As you can probaly see by what I am saying here....I don't have a very healthy relationship with the scale...LOL. That's why I don't own one...but I feel like I need the level of accountability that weighing myself provides for me. So I will face the damnable thing once a month. I will refuse to give in to the feelings of failure and unworthiness that it stirs in my heart and mind. It is a tool, an accessory, a gadget...I will NOT allow it to control my sense of self worth...I WON'T!!!...well maybe I will a tiny bit.

So anyway....I weighed myself. I am at 209 lbs. {{{sigh}}}

The good news is that I stayed on plan all day today. I have 2 days of healthy eating under my belt. I am going to eat healthy one day at a time until it becomes a lot of days, until it becomes a lifestyle....because I still don't want to be on a diet.

Another thing about it being Monday...

...is that it's also a great day for new starts. So, today is also my first day back on my eating plan, "Let's Do Lunch." Along with all of my other ramblings I m going to be journaling my progress with that here as well.

I need to go and buy a sale so that I can track my weight. I haven't had one for a long time because it's a fine line between obsessing and tracking for me.....but I feel I am ready to have one in the house. I wish I could just go someplace and weigh because I only plan to weigh once a month or so. Oh well...I'll just go buy one. I took $$$ out of savings to go to the grocery store so I might as well take some more and buy a scale too.

So, I have frozen veggies and fresh fruit...I have a huge pot of mixed beans soaking.......I have several roasted chicken breasts packaged up in the fridge...I am ready to do this!

One thing I don't have is canned pumpkin. What is up with the canned pumpkin? For weeks now every store I have gone to has been out of canned pumpkin! I NEED canned pumpkin!!! Maybe tomorrow I'll find that too.

So, today was day one. I stayed on plan. I have a dull headache to show for it.

It's Monday and I am beginning to feel "normal" again...

This past year, especially this past few weeks have been a really tough time for me. Honestly, the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas have all sort of melded together in my mind into one big emotional rollercoaster. I couldn't tell you exactly which week it was but during one of the weeks, shortly after Thanksgiving, my daughter in law announced she was ending her marriage to my son. I can not even begin to describe the emotional devastation this news has brought for me. Not only is it incredibly difficult to watch my son trying to survive having his entire world rocked with one simple statement, "I want out, I am done, I don't love you anymore." But, these are the parents of my beautiful, almost 4 year old granddaughter, Autumn. It tears at my heart strings like nothing ever has before to watch her struggle to cope with the turmoil and uncertainty that the actions of her parents have introduced into her young life.

So, that, coupled with the fact that the holiday season is our busiest season of the entire year at work...and...well...it's all just been a really weird time of trying to hold on...trying to keep from being swallowed up by the emotions and all the chaos of the season....wanting to trust in God's sovereignty and believe that ALL THINGS must be filtered through His loving hand before they come in to our lives and yet finding it so contrary to what I want for my son and my granddaughter...and yes, even for my daughter in law.

But today...today I almost feel like I can breathe again. My emotions are settling down. I have had some time to get some sleep and some time off after the craziness of the pace at work and I can feel my heart beginning to say, "Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord" If all of this has come in to my son's life to draw him back to you then I will not only accept it but I will choose to rejoice in your love and grace and mercy. I will choose to believe that you love my son, Chris, and my beautiful, precious Autumn, infinitely more than I do and that You can be trusted to cause all things to work together for good in their lives.

None of this is easy to watch...but today I choose to trust God and to rejoice and be thankful in all things.....

It's finally the day after Christmas...

It's finally here....the day after Christmas. A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling very much overwhelmed by the Christmas rush and all that's been happening in my world, I woke up one morning and said...."I wish it was the day after Christmas.".....and now it is.

I am sitting here in my pajamas, sipping a cup of hot coffee, and thinking about a lot of things. So much of life has been out of control....and I'm learning to be ok with that. Life is out of my control...no matter how much I try and control things, the truth is that many, many things are just beyond my control. I am learning to trust God in the difficult circumstances...imagine that...actually putting my faith to work!...LOL.

So...I'm glad the Christmas rush is over with. I am going to enjoy this cup of coffee that I am sipping on and I am going to trust that God knows what He is doing and that He is causing all things to work together for good. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to blog about the things that are trying to weigh so heavily on my heart but not today. Today I am simply going to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not to my own understanding. Today I am choosing to believe that even when life feels completely out of control, it's never out of His control....

And so this is Christmas.....

....And the angel said to them, Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest,and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!
Luke 2:11-14

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve...

So, it's Christmas Eve morning. I am sitting in front of my computer in the early morning quiet, on the first day of my vacation, drinking a cup of coffee, watching one of my favorite cats sleeping in the chair next to me, and savouring the peace and quiet before I run out to catch up on all the last minute stuff I need to get done.

This morning as I reflect on everything that is happening around me, I am so grateful for the gift of Christmas....not the commercial, overdone, crazy, chaotic thing that tries so hard to replace the true miracle of Christmas in my thoughts and emotions...but the reality that on that night so many years ago God sent a Savior, the Messiah, to be born in the humblest circumstances, to live among us, and to make it possible for me to be reconciled to God through the shedding of His sinless blood. That is the truth I try so hard to keep focused on and keep my hope in during this holiday season.

Here I am again

Today I decided to dig my blog out of the closet and begin posting again. Today I also do not have time to post...how ironic is that? But, I wanted to at least come here, dig out my blog and post SOMETHING. I will be back to post more later but today I need to get to work early and face the crazy, chaotic thing that work has become...the Christmas Rush!