Yet another "fresh start"...

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here. Seems to be the story of my life. I decide that I am going to start something and be faithful to do it every day....and I fail to follow through. I'm working on that behavior. So, for today anyway, I am back to blogging.

Along with my fresh start in blogging, I am on day 2 of my fresh start in my low carb life. I have decided to just eat low carb, high fiber, not count claories, and stay off the scale for a couple of weeks and see what happens. I am determined to change my "diet" mentality to a "lifestyle" mentality. I'm finding it difficult. I'm finding myself counting calories in my head as the day goes along. I wonder if that is disordered thinking. I am coming to terms with the idea that I really don't have a healthy relationship with food. It's a hard truth to accept.

...better days and fresh starts...

Viv is my hair dresser. Viv has been cutting my hair for the better part of 20 years. (or more) She is very much a professional and I trust her opinions on matters of "hair health." I had an appointment with Viv on Saturday morning and we talked about my hair loss. I am very encouraged by what she had to say. She really wasn't concerned with the hair I'm losing. She told me that most of her clients lose hair when they have lost weight. She hasn't really seen a pattern with her clients over the years as to which diets cause shedding. In her opinion it's mainly the stress on the body of losing weight that causes the MILD hair loss. So, in my case, the hair loss doesn't seem to be cause for alot of concern. Now, that being said...I am not experiencing the extreme hair loss that some of my friends who were on Kimkins are experiencing. I saw a photo of one person's (Becky/littlebit) loss and I am not losing my hair that rapidly. So, I am in no way minimizing what others are experiencing. I am only talking about my hair loss. So, onward to better days...

I started Atkin's induction again yesterday. It seems my whole adult life has been a series of restarts! Each time I tell myself that this is really the time that I am going to do it once and for all......and each time I feel like I've failed when I fall off the wagon and have to restart. I think I'm ready to stop feeling like a failure and just realize that this is a journey. There are going to be days when the traveling is easy, the roadmap is clear and I make lots of forward progress...but there are also going to be times when I lose my way...when the road is full of potholes and ruts...when I am not sure which direction I am going and I can't seem to read the map. It's OK...it's all part of the journey....part of the adventure. As long as I don't completely stop moving I have not failed.

Fresh starts are part of the journey....so today is day 2 of my fresh start in my low carb journey.

continuing effects from Kimkins....

Ok...so I am trying to be positive, I'm trying to put kimkins behind me...but my hair is falling out by the handsful!!!! I have baby-fine thin-ish hair to begin with. I am terrified that I am going to end up looking like one of THOSE ladies with the REALLY thin hair, where my scalp will show glaringly through my few strands of hair. I know that there are those who have suffered MUCH worse effects than this and I am trying to take it all in stride...I really am...but my HAIR is falling out....more and more each day.
Another thing that is happening...and I have NO IDEA if it's related to the diet...but I'm putting it out here just in case anyone else is having this symptom....I am having "nerve twitches" on the left side of my face...you know...like when your eyelid just twitches on its own.....it's been happening for about a week. The sad thing is...I didn't do kimkins super strict for more than about 3 months....I'm worried

sick at heart....

Yesterday I was feeling so positive about putting the entire Kimkins experience behind me...but it just keeps rearing its ugly head. Yesterday I learned that both Deni and Christin might have some very serious health issues going on, related to their time doing the Kimkins diet. The whole idea that these two vibrant young women are now having to deal with possible health issues caused from their efforts to lose weight and become healthier just makes me sick at heart.

It is just so completely wrong that this is going on and continues to go on....the website is still up and running. People continue to do this diet and damage their health. It's more than "just" having some hair loss, issues with menstrual cycles, and messed up metabolism....Time after time I've seen posts on message board forums from women who say they are willing to risk these possible side effects in order to acheive the dream of being slim. Unfortunately, there is alot more at stake here than our hair! When we starve our bodies our bodies respond by feeding off of our muscle tissue....including our HEARTS!!!!

If you are doing the Kimkins diet...PLEASE STOP NOW!!! The long term damage you might be doing to your body is just too high of a price to pay. Whatever you think of Heidi Diaz/Kimmer....whatever your thoughts on all of the controversy....however successful you think you are on the plan....please stop and think......the price is too high...the diet is too dangerous. There are healthy ways to lose the weight...and Kimkins is not one of them.

After Kimkins...

So it's Monday, the beginning of a new week and a great day to really focus on my weight loss journey again. I've been floundering a bit since I left (was banned) from the Kimkins site. I've noticed that it seems to be pretty common among us KK survivors to flounder and feel unsettled, disillusioned, and discouraged. For me....I had to come to the realization that I have been using all the controversy and my hurt feelings, anger and disappointment as a sort of excuse to allow myself to "cheat" on my eating plan. I am done doing that. My success or failure on my chosen plan is in my hands. I choose what goes into my mouth. Kimmer may have defrauded me out of $45.00 to join her site....but I will not allow her to steal my success. I was on a weight loss journey long before I ever heard of Heidi/Kimmer/whatevertheheckernameistoday...and my journey will continue from here.



I met quite a few people, myself included, who truly felt that God had led us to Kimkins. I still do not doubt that fact for a single minute. I know in my heart that God did, indeed, lead me to Kimkins. There were lessons I needed to learn there, friends I needed to meet, and character building that needed to take place in my heart. For those things I am grateful. I am reminded of the following passage...



Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.


I am convinced that God used my experience with Kimkins to teach me some things that I needed to learn and that He is causing the entire experience to be worked for my good.



So...with all of that in mind....today I choose to move forward, continuing in my journey to weight loss, wholeness, and contentment in Him. I have found a new "home" to fellowship with others on the same journey at Jimmy Moore's forum. I am very grateful to Jimmy for providing us with a great new hangout! Thanks Jimmy!!!



So...new week, new day, new outlook....the future is looking bright....there is life after Kimkins for this low carb dieter on the journey...

A Few Great Blogs...

In the interest of getting the truth out about Kimkins, Here is a list of some blogs that are worth visiting.


Kimkins Exposed
Anti-Kimkins
Becky: Winning Weight
Christin: The Journey
Deni: Open Bench
Free Kimkins Free
Jimmy Moore’s Apology
Kimkins @ Slamboard
Kimkins Controversy
Kimkins Dangers
Kimkins Sucks!
Kimkins Survivors
Kimorexia
Kkatastrophediet’s Weblog
TRUTH Starts Here
3 Fat Chicks: Anatomy of a Diet Scam
About.com Inside Kimkins
A Pinch Of…
How Jeanessa Got Scammed
How Much Body Fat Can You Really Lose In A Week?
Jersey Girl: Thoughts on Kimkins
Kimkins Circus
Kimkins Controversy Continues to Boil
Kimkins Debacle; Super Smart Diet Tips
Kimkins Experience Part 1
Kimkins Experience Part 2
Kimkins Saga Revisited
Kimkins Survivors
Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Anorexic
Tami’s Change in Game Plan
The Problem with Kimkins
Thin at Any Cost
A Running Jewel
Kimkins Circus
The Quack of Doom: Entering the circus for the first time?
Once Upon A Diet
Someone in Southern California may need an attorney soon
The Final Escape
melting mama: Kimkins Scam.
Have you ever screamed so loud that the room echoed? « Incredible Shrinking Ladies
Inside the Kimkins Controversy
A Dumbbell In A Home Gym: Kimkins: Caveat Freakin’ Emptor.
Heard of the Kimkins Diet? Steer Clear it’s a total scam!
Vickie’s Voice: …more of my story…
The Road to Clarity and Transformation: The Kimmer (Kimkins) Controversy and a Parallel Universe
Banished…oh Fo’ Shame. not.
a mother’s heart » the kimkins debacle
Vilma’s World » Kimkins on Dateline & other complaints
Because I Said So: KimKims Survivors
Hundred Day Head Start Kimkins a fraud
Healthy Low-Carb Living Blog: Kimkins - How I Feel About It Now
Back Across The Line: Kimkins Cult Mentality
Good Carbma: Words for Heidi Diaz
Living Low Carb & Lovin’ It!: What an Amazing Day This Has Been!
Borat Does Kimkins: Hello From Borat!

...more of my story...

So...where was I again?...

I was banned from the Kimkins site for the things I said. I didn't have the forsight to save my last post. I don't know why I didn't think to save it. But anyway, one of the things I said in my last post was that if kimmer had admitted to regaining her weight, I would have understood and been supportive of her. I meant that too. I think anyone who has battled a weight problem would understand how easy it can be to pick up the old eating habits again and regain the weight. When Jimmy Moore joined KK he openly stated that he had gained some weight. Nobody browbeat him for it....we've all been there. I honestly think that many of us would have supported Kimmer as well. But she chose to lie about it. She chose to lie about alot of things.

That brings me to the part of my story that I am still struggling with. I am angry with Kimmer/Heidi/whatevertheheckhernameistoday. I am hurt by her actions. I don't like being taken advantage of. I want to get even. I want to lash out. I want my money back. I want her to suffer the consequenses of her actions. After all, she deserves it, right?

The problem I am having with all of those emotions and feelings, the struggle in my heart is this.....I claim to walk with Jesus. The folowing are some scriptures that came to me the other morning as I was walking to work, thinking about all of this. I had given my contact information to someone who was organizing a class action lawsuit against Kimmer, and I was thinking about what I would say to the attorney when these verses began playing throught my heart and my head.....


(Allscripture references from "The Message")
1 John 2:4 -6 If someone claims, "I know him well!" but doesn't keep his commandments, he's obviously a liar. His life doesn't match his words. But the one who keeps God's word is the person in whom we see God's mature love. This is the only way to be sure we're in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived.

Matthew 6:14-15
"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.

Matthew 5:38-48
"Here's another old saying that deserves a second look: 'Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.' Is that going to get us anywhere? Here's what I propose: 'Don't hit back at all.' If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. "You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best - the sun to warm and the rain to nourish - to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.


Mark 11:25
And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive - only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins."

These are the thoughts that are on my mind lately as I think of my experience with Kimkins. I must choose to use this as an opportunity to live as Jesus lived. I must choose to forgive Kimmer, as Jesus forgave me. I must choose to take these feelings I have about being taken advantage of and lied to and lay them at the foot of the cross of Jesus....and choose forgiveness. So that is what I am going to be endeavoring to do. I am praying for Kimmer, as difficult as that is for me to do right now. I am praying that God's will is going to be done in her life, that He would draw her close to Him, that she would come to truly know Him and His love for her. I am choosing today to walk in the light of God's love, grace and mercy. Somewhere in scripture is the saying, "to whom much is given, much is required." I have been forgiven much in my lifetime.

All of this is most definitely not what I thought I would be saying when I started this blog!

...and the story continues

As I said in my last post, this post will be about my experience with the Kimkins diet and my feelings about it. I must say, when I woke up this morning I had a very different idea in my head as to what I was going to say here today than I do now. Anyway....the story continues.

I can't remember the exact date the I joined the Kimkins website but it was within a day or two of May 20, 2007. It was late one evening and I was home alone. I was looking for something on the internet and I followed a link from somewhere and it took me to another site that had a Kimkin's affiliate link. I followed the affiliate link to the Kimkins website. I didn't know it at the time but this was just before all the upheaval and change with the Women's World article being released.

Looking back on it now, it strikes me as odd that I even followed the link. I had been playing around with my diet plan and I had pretty much decided that I was tired of trying to diet. I was weary of the idea of dealing with my weight. In fact, I had just gone out and bought a whole bunch of clothes in a bigger size and decided that I was just going to stay fat. Then I followed that link.

When I started reading the stories on the Kimkins site I began to feel something I hadn't felt for a while. I began to feel hope. If these people could follow this diet and lose weight then maybe I could give it another try too. I had heard of the Kimkins plan a few years earlier on Low Carb Friends but I dismissed it back then as being much too restrictive for me. But, as I continued to read on the website and I kept reading about how this diet would put me in "real" ketosis and supress my appetite to the point that it would be easy for me to follow I just couldn't shake the feeling that maybe this really was what I needed to do. I had been praying for God's help and guidance in my weight issues and I really began to feel that He had lead me to this website on this particular night. I would have joined right then, that night, but I needed to update some things on my paypal account and I didn't want to take the time to do all of it that night so I shut down my computer and went to bed.

The next day when I woke up I still had the feeling that God had led me to the Kimkins site. So, I went downstairs, made my coffee and took it upstairs to our home office and signed up for my "lifetime" membership. I read all the details, decided to start with the basic kimkins plan, went to the grocery store, and planned my start. I made a committment to myself to do the plan for two weeks, no excuses, no cheats. I told myself that at the end of two weeks I would see how I felt about it.

I did not have a negative experience with kimkins as so many others have. I felt good, the weight was coming off at a good rate...I was happy with the plan. I lost 27 pounds in about 6 weeks and I was happy with those results. Then, I started seeing the things that were being said on the other websites about the plan and how it was bad for you. In the beginning I thought that those posters on that "other" site were just a few women with some sort of vendetta against Kimmer. I told myself to ignore them and just continue on with my weightloss journey. But, that thread was like a magnet to me. I kept going back and reading what they were saying...and looking back...I had a "feeling" in the pit of my stomach that something just wasn't right. But, I ignored those feelings and chose to believe (or at least tried to believe) that I was right in my choice to believe in the kimkins plan and...in Kimmer herself.

During the time that I was first becoming aware of the controversy, one of the things that gave Kimmer credibility with me was that she appeared to be taking the higher road with all of the accusations being slung at her. She simply refused to "play their game." I have always been taught that that is how one should deal with gossip...so on the surface, her response looked right to me.

The posters on the "fascination" thread, on the other hand, in their zeal to discredit Kimmer, often came off as gossipy to me. I now know that their underlying motivation was honorable....but often in their postings they were cruel in their words about the kimkins members. I think one has to have been "there" to understand my initial feelings about those postings at LCF. There were snippets taken from the postings we made at kimkins and copied to the "fascination" thread. There were many referances made about us being cult members, desperate, drinking the kool-aide, and other such demeaning things. All of it served only to make me more defient in what I was doing. No one likes being mocked and poked fun at...and sadly, it continues to happen both at LCF and other websites. While I understand the need to get the truth out...I just really wish they would stop poking fun and mocking the KK members...it's counterproductive.

Anyway...where was I?

Then came the day that Becky (littlebit) just wasn't there anymore. Honestly it took me a while to notice because I had my threads I posted to on a regular basis and I stayed with those for the most part unless a post title just caught my eye. I remember that someone posted a question asking, "Is Becky ok?" When I read what was being said I was taken aback. At that point, I still believed Kimmer's explanation. I was actually snippy with someone who was pushing for answers, to my shame. But, the facts kept nagging at me. Why in the world would Becky, who was the heart and soul of the forum, just up and leave with no explanation? It didn't make sense...it didn't add up.

I had read the stories of people who had been banned from the site for things that were said in private messages. Even though I wasn't sure who to believe I began to exchange e-mail addresses with some people....just in case. Shortly after Becky left I got an e-mail from one of my friends on the site, Osuzana, telling me that she was in contact with Becky and what we were being told was a lie.

I have given alot of thought to these things over the past weeks and one thing that I have learned is that when you walk in integrity your integrity is communicated to others...even in postings on a website. From her postings on the site, Becky's personality was clear to me...I knew in my heart that she was a woman of integrity. When she left and we were lied to about it, I knew something was not right. Soon after Becky left, Christin and Deni followed. They too, I knew in my heart, were women of faith and integrity. I knew without a doubt that I had been wrong about Kimmer, about Kimkins, about alot of things.

I posted the following in the Kimkins Cafe forum and began the process of getting myself banned from the site. I knew what I was going to say would cause me to be banned but I felt that because I had been so vocal in my defense of Kimkins...I had to say something publicly. So...here's what I said:

I have been watching all of the controversy unfold for a while now. At first I was very vocal in my defense of Kimkins. I completely believed that the posters on ther fascination thread at LCF were just jealous and spiteful and had some sort of axe to grind with Kimmer. To some extent, I still believe that about many of them, although I now believe that some of them really are concerned over what they believe to be an unsafe plan.

So, I have continued to watch and read and see how all of this has unfolded. I listened to the interview with Jimmy Moore and Kimmer's answers were, in my opinion, rational and reasonable. I heard her say that she would turn teens away from the site in that interview and I was relieved that she was reasonable about it. So, when a 14 year old girl posted that she was eating 500 calories a day and was needing to increase her calories, I was SHOCKED to see kimmer advise her that she didn't need to increase her calories. What happened to turning teens away from the site? This plan might be ok for those of us who are adults but for a child who is still growing there is no way that this diet is appropriate.

Then Becky resigned from the site. Now, no matter what I think about the motivation of the anti-KK gang out there, I know Becky's intentions were good. I also KNOW that we were LIED to about the circumstances of Becky's departure.

Now, Christin and Deni are leaving. I have watched both of these young women stand under the pressure of the anti-KK gang and not crumble. And, they have stood with very little, if any, support from this forum. Those women did not suddenly crumble from the pressure of the attacks on their character. If they were going to crumble they would have done it before now.

Having said all of that, I will say that I have nothing personal against Kimmer or the kimkins plan when it is done in a rational intelligent manner. But, when I see women posting that they are eating 300-500 calories a day and wondering why they are sick, having electrolyte imbalances, and their hair is falling out and they are not told to EAT...for goodness sakes! Then something is wrong. When a child is encouraged to eat 500 calories a day....something is wrong. When Becky left the site and we were lied to about her departure....something is wrong. And when it is infered that Christin and Deni crumbled under pressure.....something is wrong!

I don't claim to have the answers for all of this and I will probably be banned for saying everything I've said in this post.....but I can no longer just go along trying to believe that everything is ok and that there are just a bunch of crazy people who are jealous and disgruntled attacking this plan.

There are some very serious questions and accusations flying around that should be addressed and put to rest if there is no basis for them. But, that hasn't happened....something is very wrong.

I posted a few more posts after that one...but it wasn't long before I was banned from the site. So much for my lifetime membership, huh?

Well, I thought I was going to get much farther than this in this post but this post is already quite long and I still have so much to say.....I guess the story will have to continue in another post.

Thursday's a good day to start a blog...right?

I have been saying for months that I am going to begin blogging. I don't know why I haven't gotten any farther than just saying it before now. But Thursday just seems like a good day to begin. Now....where to begin...that's the question.

Because my weight and my efforts to control it are such a huge part of my life I feel like that's a good place to start. So here's a little bit of my history with regard to my efforts to live a low carb lifestyle.

I have been low carbing off and on for years. I had lost weight in the 90's doing Atkin's and kept the weight off until 2001 when my life train wrecked.....maybe I'll talk about all of THAT in a future entry. When my life was falling down around me I turned to Ben & Jerry (yes, as in ice cream) for comfort. I quickly discovered that Ben & Jerry worked even better with "Uncle Eddie's Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies." So....after a few short months of that, I found myself at somewhere between 215 and 220 pounds. I'll never forget the day when I looked at a photo of myself and realized I was fat again. I was honestly SHOCKED! It's crazy how we can deceive ourselves when we look in a mirror.

So...I thought, "no problem" I'll just go back to low carb and lose the weight again. Somehow is just wasn't as easy the second time around. I discovered low carb "goodies" which I had about as much self control with as I did with Ben, Jerry, and Uncle Eddie. I met and married Vern, which kept distracting me from my diet. And besides, Vern didn't mind that I was fat, so I told myself it didn't matter. But it did. It mattered because every time I looked at photos of myself it was painful. I was embarrassed to look at them. I am ashamed to admit this, but I even accused Vern of intentionally taking unflattering pictures of me. So, I played around, sometimes eating low carb and sometimes just eating anything and everything. I did add daily exercise to my day and that, at least, I have managed to continue with.

Over the past two years I have lost around 40 pounds. I am not sure of the actual number because I was afraid to weigh myself at the very beginning. So I only have a rough estimate of what I weighed, based on my last doctor visit, before I restarted on my quest to be healthy and whole again. 27 of those pounds I lost doing the Kimkins diet.....and THAT I'll talk about in my next entry.