Seek things above...

I know I must seem like I am all over the place with these feelings, doubts, fears, emotions, and beliefs...and maybe I am.

Here's where I am at...in my natural self, I want what is going to make me happy. I want what I want.

But there's another me...the one who has been joined to Christ...and that person wants only to do His will and please Him.

These two "selfs" seem to be at war in my mind and heart.

I "think" I know what I want...what I want is to be out of this painful marriage. Then I open the Word and begin reading and everything I read convicts my heart that divorce cannot be an option for me.

I married my husband for better or for worse. I made a vow before God Almighty that I would love and serve my husband all the days of my life. I didn't vow to love and serve him only when it served me, or when it was easy, or when I got something in return. I simply promised to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I am struggling with it. I am sorry that I made that vow. But right now, I simply cannot break it. There's a still small voice in my heart that won't allow me to let go.

Maybe I'm co-dependant, maybe it's the Spirit of God whispering his truth to my heart. I honestly don't know which it is...but now, today....I have to heed that voice in my heart and have in myself the same attitude that was in Christ Jesus...

Philippians 2:5-11
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

If Christ Jesus, who was, and is, Lord of the universe, could lay down His rights and be obedient to do God's will to the point of becoming a servant, to the point of dying on a cross in my place....to become NOTHING when He is Lord of all creation...then who am I to refuse to lay down my rights and wants and desires and do what I feel is right in accordance with scripture?

How do I walk this out? I think maybe this is how...

Colossians 3:1-5
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is hard. I am fearful that submitting to God's will for me means to live in this awful, lonely marriage for the rest of my life. But maybe that fear is a lie...or maybe it's reality...either way I have to trust that in the center of God's will, keeping my eyes focused on Him...is where I belong.