Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm still thinking....

So, the last time I posted my thoughts on my struggles with my relationship with food, before we took a couple of "anonymous" side trips down rabbit trails, I said the following:

It's like the Lord is saying to me, "why have you been turning to this diet plan or that diet plan, this diet guru or that diet guru, to heal your broken relationship with food? Don't you know that I am the Lord who loves you and heals you and will make you whole? The answer is not in yet another plan or book. Come to me, let me heal your brokeness. Look who you have chosen to trust and realize that the answer to your brokeness is not in anything that the world might offer you. Come to Me and allow Me to satisfy your soul and fill that empty place that you have been trying to fill with food for your entire life."

I love those words that I feel like the Spirit of the Lord is speaking to my heart. I truly believe that, for me, at this point in my life, a "diet" is not the answer to my struggles. I believe with all my heart that my Lord can heal my brokeness. The struggle then is, what does that look like? How do I walk out this thing of making Jesus Christ, whom I embrace as Lord of my life, the Lord over my relationship with food? Ahhh yes, therein lies the struggle!

Colossians 2:20-23
Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Those words that I quoted above are being spoken to me in a "still small voice." They are a quiet tug at my inner self that is ever so gently, pulling me away from what I have always understood to be reality and directing me into new truth. The pull of dieting, binging, doing what I have always done, on the other hand, is anything but quiet and gentle. The pull of the familiar, disordered relationship to food and dieting is a constant roar in ears of my heart and mind. It makes it difficult to hear that "still small voice" of the Spirit sometimes. It causes me to have to be purposeful in trying to listen to the voice of the Spirit.

The place I am at with all of this right now is in the beginning stages of this new thing that the Lord is speaking to my heart. I feel much like the children of Israel must have felt when Moses led them out of Egypt and into the desert to set out for the promised land. When Moses went up on the mountain to talk with God and left the people below, they got nervous. In their nervousness they decided that they needed a "god" that they could see and touch. They fashioned for themselves a golden calf, an idol that they could see and touch...a god that was tangible to them. I think I understand how they felt. Dieting is tangible to me. There are rules, there are tangible things about lists, journaling, tracking my food intake.

I feel I need to pause here and clarify I don't believe that the past few years that I have spent learning about healthier ways of eating have been a waste. I don't believe the the Lord wastes any of my experiences. I think that the things I have learned about controlling carbs, eating fresh, natural foods, etc., were all part of my journey of learning to be whole and healthy. It just can no longer be a "diet" in my mind. The "diet" has become to me a false god, my very own brazen calf so to speak. And, this "god" has been lying to me for many, many years. It has promised me a life of control and a slim, healthy body. I have been believing this lie ever since childhood. I am now 50 years old. I do not have a slim, healthy body. I do not have control over my binging and dieting. In fact, when I am completely honest with myself I have to admit I am in captivity to this false god's ways. It is time for me to break out of that captivity. There is a promised land in my future, and I know that my Lord is capable of leading me there. It's just a little bit scary setting out for it....there's a desert on the way to my promised land.

Breathe Vickie, you know the Lord, you hear His voice, His grace is sufficient for you, it's all gonna be ok. One foot in front of the other...that's how you begin a journey...

No comments: