Thursday August 12, 2010...

So, I'm most probably going to be all over the place with this post. I have lots of thoughts tumbling around in my brain...I actually have a mental image of clothes tumbling in the dryer as my jumbled thoughts go around and around...


Here's one thought that keeps coming around. I took this photo in church on Sunday. We we getting ready to take communion and I looked over at the communion cup in Vern's hands and was immediately awestruck at the goodness and faithfulness of God! Vern and I were both so lost, wounded and battered when we met. I was fresh out of a horrible marriage and an awful church experience....I was a Christian.....or maybe I hadn't REALLY bowed my knee yet. That's one of those things I'm not really sure of in life.....was I backslidden or had I not completely surrendered yet....I don't know. As I get older I am less and less sure that I have all the answers. Funny how that happens. But anyway, I was a mess. Vern was an athiest...well, at least he claimed to be but he was awfully angry at a God he didn't believe in. He was angry about a lot of things. Somehow in the midst of all the heartache, pain, anger, and woundedness we found each other....and we clung to each other like one clings to a life preserver in troubled waters.

Fast forward 9 years and somehow God has taken all of that, turned it around for our good, drawn us to Himself, and set our feet on solid ground. As I looked over and saw Vern's hands cupping a communion cup I was reminded in an instant how far God has brought us....





Then there's the situation with my sister that I mentioned here. My sister has a lifelong history of "running." She began running away from home as a young teen and at 49 years old is still "running." This has caused considerable heartache to our family....especially to her sons. This time she chose to sneak out of town without telling anyone. She mailed card to her sons saying basically, "I love you and I've moved to Arizona to build a new life." Her sons live ten minutes away and she couldn't be enough of a mom to go and face them and tell them what she was doing. She moved out while Vern and I were at work and left a note on the table. (We had given her until the end of the year to find a place)

I am deeply disappointed in her for the way she chose to run away once again...chasing after rainbows or the greener grass...or whatever it is she's looking for that she will never find until she stops to realize that SHE is her own problem and that wherever she runs off to to "build a new life" it's not going to be any different because she takes herself and all her issues...that she refuses to come to terms with...along with her. Actually, "deeply disappointed" isn't really the right terminology to express how I feel about my sister right now. I am mad. I want to be done with her. I am so tired of watching how she hurts everyone who has the misfortune of caring about her. I think she should have to see the pain on her sons' faces as they realize that once again their mother has cast them aside to go chasing after a fairytale. I know that I have to forgive her as Christ has forgiven me...but I am struggling with some really ugly feelings toward my sister right now...sigh...


Finally, there's this...I have been sort of screwing around this week...being on plan one minute and off the next. I haven't been going to the gym to walk on the treadmill. I've been having a bite of this and a bite of that. It has to stop!

I need to get myself back on track and DO THIS! Life is always going to throw things in the mix that threaten to detract and derail me from my committment to live a healthy, controlled life. I can't control what life throws my way but I can control how I live and the choices I make in the midst of everything that happens. So this morning I am re-committing to staying on track, eating healthy foods, staying within my points allotment,meeting my Weight Watchers "Good Health Guidelines" and exercising on a regular basis. Yes, that's it....another line in the sand but this time it's for myself!

Here are some photos I've taken of the HEALTHY choices I've made over the past couple of days. I haven't taken photos of the "not-so-healthy" choices...so that's another committment I am making. If I eat it, I photograph it...the good the bad the stupid...it's all going to be recorded here!

















Tomorrow is my weigh in day. I am pretty sure I will show a gain. I feel boated and full. Part of me wants to skip my meeting and not face it. But I will not do that. I will not hide from my poor choices and pretend they will go away. I will go to that meeting. I will step on that scale. And I will face whatever it tells me.