Saturday, what a day...

First things first...Here's my menu for yesterday. I feel like I want to come up with a better way to list my menu plans, a way that will show my activity and weekley points allowance, usage as well. I guess I could just start typing those in at the end. Anyway, here's what I ate yesterday:

Friday, February 27, 2009

Morning
1 serving(s) Yogurt, Dannon Light & Fit 2
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0.5
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
1/2 serving(s) Oats, Bob'e Red Mill, uncooked 1/2 cup 1.5
Subtotal 5.5

Midday
1/2 medium apple(s) 0.5
1 serving(s) Bread 45 calories per slice 2 slices 1
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 serving(s) costco fat free ham 2oz 2
Subtotal 6.5

Evening
1 cup(s) cooked cauliflower 0
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
1/2 cup(s) cooked white rice 2
1 cup(s) cooked brussels sprouts 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
Subtotal 5.5

Anytime
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
Subtotal 3.5
Food POINTS values total used 21
Food POINTS values remaining 2

And Here is my menu for today, Saturday...

POINTS® Tracker entries

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Morning
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
Subtotal 3.5

Midday
3 item(s) egg white(s) 1
1 serving(s) costco fat free ham 2oz 2
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1/2 cup(s) frozen cauliflower florets 0
2/3 cup(s) cooked brussels sprouts 0.5
Subtotal 4.5

Evening
1 serving(s) Subway Footlong Veggie Delight 9
2 serving(s) Subway Honey Mustard Sauce Fat Free 1.5 Tbs 1
1 serving(s) Yogurt, Dannon Light & Fit 2
Subtotal 12

Anytime
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
Dried Fruit Snack - Quick-added food 1
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
Subtotal 4.5

Food POINTS values total used 24.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Activity
58 min walking, leisure 3

So I had another, completely different post planned for today and I had started to write it before we headed out to spend the day together. I was going to finish it when I got home. But...the day I had changed my plans!

First, I decided that we needed to go by my Mom's house so I could weigh in this morning. Unlike last week, I had no apprehension about my weigh in at all. Last week I had anxiety and apprehension about weighing in but this week I just KNEW it was going to be good to step on that scale. WRONG!!! Ahem....I stepped on the scale and it said I had gained SEVEN pounds!!! So I stepped off and then back on and it said I gained 9 pounds. So, back off and on....4 pounds.....argh!!! At this point I realize that the scale is malfunctioning and I am soooo trying to take it in stride and not get depressed over it but I am really disappointed. Disappointed to the point that I was very tempted to just throw caution to the wind and have myself a binge! Well, I don't really know if I would have actually been planning to BINGE at that moment...but I most definitely wanted to eat whatever I wanted...and I sure didn't want anything healthy or low fat or good for me!

But, the thing is, I am not doing this to earn a number on a scale. I am trying, with the Lord's help, to overcome the sin of gluttony. I am trying to learn to be content with eating for nutrition and turning to the Lord for comfort and fulfillment...and not to food. Binging because I am disappointed with a number on a scale would be pretty counterproductive now, wouldn't it?

So...we went out to face the day. Had some time together...had an argument over an issue that keeps coming up between us. Yep....bad weigh in, and argument with Vern...not such a fun day. But I stayed on plan.

So, we ended up going and buying a new scale. I hate, hate, hate it..but my weight is 10 pounds more than I thought. Apparently the scale at my Mom's house hasn't been functioning properly all along...{{sigh}}. I don't really know what my starting weight was. I don't think any of my weights have been accurate. I REALLY don't think I have gained ten pounds this week while staying within my alloted point range. So, here's the plan. I am going to weigh in on Monday morning on my new scale. I am going to record that as my new start weight. I am going to do measurements and I am going to keep moving forward from there.

Friday....

I sat with my Dad for a few hours last night while my Mom and my sister got out of the house for a while. I ended up calling my sister to come home because Dad was really agitated and hallucinating. He had been given a lot of medication to try and calm him, so he was not stable on his feet at all. He couldn't walk or stand without falling but he would not stay down. I hated to call my sister but she is really the only one he'll respond to when he gets like this. I'm sure she had a long night last night. I am so grateful for my sister! She is my hero for taking care of my Dad.

My Weight Watcher plan continues to go well. I am honestly amazed at how natural it feels to eat this way. My appetite is under control for the most part. I am not having weird cravings and a constant desire to binge. I don't know if it's a result of eating a more balanced diet, or if it's God's grace and mercy prompting me to make better choices, a new resolve on my part....or all of these things working together...but it feels really good.

OK...here's my menu for yesterday...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Morning
1 serving(s) Oats, Bob'e Red Mill, uncooked 1/2 cup 3
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
2 cup(s) unsweetened frozen strawberries 2.5
Subtotal 7.5

Midday
1 serving(s) costco fat free ham 2oz 2
1 serving(s) Bread 45 calories per slice 2 slices 1
1/2 medium apple(s) 0.5
1/2 cup(s) lettuce 0
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
Subtotal 5.5

Evening
2 item(s) egg 4
1 serving(s) English muffin, Thomas' Light 1
1/2 serving(s) costco fat free ham 2oz 1
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
Subtotal 7

Anytime
1 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 1
1 cup(s) fat-free skim milk 2
1 cup(s) unsweetened frozen strawberries 1
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 24
Food POINTS values remaining 0
Activity
28 min walking, brisk 2
Activity POINTS values earned 2

Tomorrow, Saturday, Vern and I have the whole day to ourselves. We don't have as many of these weekends as we used to since we are keeping Autumn when her daddy has to work. But he's not working tomorrow and Vern and I have a Saturday to just be with each other. I am looking forward to it. I'm not sure what we'll be doing but I am thinking it might include a picnic!

Thoughts on a Thursday morning...

...So, as I mentioned before, my women's bible study group is doing a study on the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow. This morning I was reading the second chapter and writing down the memory verse for this week...

Phillipians 4:6-8
Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable---if anything is excellent or praiseworthy---think about such things

Wow! This verse isn't unfamiliar to me. It's a verse that gets quoted a lot, copied and stuck on the front of the fridge or on our desks, mirrors, or wherever we might see it often.....but this week, I am really going to try and let the reality of this verse take root in my heart and mind. How different would my life look? How much more content and at peace would I find myself....if I only allowed my mind to dwell on the things that are good and worthy of praise? What if I really do as this verse instructs and REFUSE to worry or be anxious about ANYTHING?

In verse 9 of this same chapter of Philippians, Paul instructs us to PRACTICE these things. That's what I am going to purpose to begin doing this week. I am going to PRACTICE not being anxious or stressed or worried about anything. And I am going to do it by PRACTICING keeping my thoughts where they belong.....on whatever is good and lovely and right and pure and admirable and worthy of praise...with the Lord's help, that is what I am going to begin to do!

OK...yesterday's menu. I have to say...I made the best potato soup last night for dinner! I have not eaten potatoes much in recent years. In the world of low carb, where I have tried to live for so long, potatoes aren't welcome. Can I just say...I forgot that I LIKE POTATOES! Anyway, I made potato soup....and it was GOOD!

It was late by the time we got home from work, as I had worked an hour late and then Vern and I went to Costco on the way home. I ALMOST gave in to Vern's offer to pick up fast food for dinner. But, I was tired and hungry and I knew that if we went to fast food I wouldn't make a healthy choice. So I declined. There was leftover spaghetti in the fridge for Vern....he absolutely refuses to eat anything he thinks MIGHT be one of the healthy foods I eat...and he doesn't know that the spaghettti sauce is a healthy version of one of his favorite foods...sneaky wench that I am! So anyway....I was craving comfort food and I'm not a huge fan of spaghetti....so what to fix? I had some leftover baked potatoes in the fridge. I had some 99% fat free, shaved ham from our trip to Costco...and I had seen a photo of potato soup earlier in the day.

Here's what I did....I chopped about a half cup of onion and sauteed it in a tsp of olive oil. When the onions were transparent, I added a bit of chopped garlic. Then I added the diced, leftover potato and some water. To this I added some instant chicken broth powder and some frozen cauliflower. I simmered it all for about 10 minutes until everthing was soft and then I smooshed it all up with a potato masheer. I added a couple of ounces of the shaved ham and a couple of tbs of fat free sour cream. This made 2 large servings and I ate them BOTH for a total of 9 points! I had enough points to allow me to be spendy on this comfort meal. I added a slice of fat free cheddar cheese to each bowl...oh my goodness!!! Comfort meal!!!...LOL

OK...so here's my points tracker info for yesterday...

POINTS® Tracker entries

Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Morning
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 medium apple(s) 1
1/2 cup(s) uncooked oatmeal 2.5
Subtotal 5.5

Midday
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1/4 cup(s) Red Beans 0.5
1/2 cup(s) canned black beans 1
1 cup(s) cooked cauliflower 0
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
Iced Blueberry Herbal Tea 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1 Potato Soup 9
Subtotal 10

Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal 0

Food POINTS values total used 20.5
Food POINTS values remaining 2.5

Activity
20 min walking, brisk 1
Activity POINTS values earned 1

I can't believe I didn't snack yesterday! I don't know when that has happened last! I got hungry late in the afternoon, but it was so close to being time to go home and fix dinner that I just decided to wait. I usually like a snack after dinner but I was so full and content from the potato soup that I just went to bed.

Now the sun is up and it's a beautiful, sunny, San Diego morning and I am going to get dressed and get out there early enough to enjoy my walk to work!

Wednesday is waking up....

Here it is, Wednesday morning, and I am sitting at my desk sipping a cup of coffee. The cats have been fed and are happily licking themselves clean. Vern just left for work. It's still dark outside. The house is quiet. And I am simply soaking in the peacefulness of this, my favorite time of day. I have always love this time of the day best. This time, early in the morning, when the world seems to be on the verge of waking up, but for right now, it's so very quiet. It's not just quiet...it's peaceful, it's calm. In just a little while the day will burst forth in activity....but right now it's just me, 2 cats, and a quiet house.

Good news! Vern's car is fixed! It was a relatively minor repair. My boss advanced me my bonus pay to cover the cost and right now Vern is driving his "jalopy," as he calls it, to work. I can honestly say I wasn't really worried about it. We have two cars and we live one mile from my job. So we can function with only one car if we need to. But it's nice to have it fixed.

Last night was my ladies bible study group. We are doing a study with the book, "Calm My Anxious Heart, A woman's guide to contentment" by Linda Dillow. We are just getting started and last night was chapter one. This is going to be a great study for me! I am so glad that we picked this book.

Ok...I could go on and on this morning but I need to go and get ready for work. So, here's my menu from yesterday:

POINTS® Tracker entries

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Morning
1/4 cup(s) uncooked oatmeal 1
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 medium apple(s) 1
Subtotal 4

Midday
Blueberry Herbal Iced tea 0
mixed roasted veggies, 1 cup 0
Eat Right Frozen Entree 6
Subtotal 6

Evening
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
1 serving(s) English muffin, Thomas' Light 1
2 tbsp fat-free mayonnaise 0.5
1 cup(s) fat-free skim milk 2
Subtotal 7

Anytime
1 medium apple(s) 1
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1/4 cup(s) uncooked oatmeal 1
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 21
Food POINTS values remaining 2
Activity
40 min walking, brisk 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

Once again, I ended up being a little bit under on my points. I seem to encounter that on really busy, rushed days. I think the answer is a bit more healthy oil. Those couple of points could easily be made up with a bit of olive oil.

OK...I am off to start my day. The world outside my window is becoming light and waking up. Let the day begin!!

Tuesday February 24, 2009

First things first, I am back on track, over my little binge and moving forward! here's my menu for yesterday:

Monday, February 23, 2009

Morning
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1/4 cup(s) uncooked oatmeal 1
1 medium apple(s) 1
Subtotal 4

Midday
1 serving(s) Bread 45 calories per slice 2 slices 1
ExpressTrack item 0
1 large leaf/leaves lettuce 0
1 Tuna Salad 2
Subtotal 3

Evening
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
1 cup(s) canned black beans 3.5
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
2 serving(s) Tortilla Carb Chopper 2.5
2 tbsp salsa 0
1 cup(s) lettuce 0
Subtotal 9.5

Anytime
Frozen Smoothie - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 4

Food POINTS values total used 20.5
Food POINTS values remaining 3.5
Activity
40 min walking, brisk 3
Activity POINTS values earned 3

Again, it's not my intention to be under on points. It was a crazy, busy day and this is just how it played out. Looking over my plan I see a couple of things that I could have done to make it better. I could have added a glass of skim milk to lunch or dinner and that would have been a good choice. I should have added a few more veggies to both lunch and dinner. This is a learning process for me!

As I mentioned, yesterday was a really busy day and I was so relieved when 5:00 came and it was time to go home! Vern was working late so I was looking forward to walking home from work, listening to my ipod, and unwinding from the workday. That isn't quite the way it worked out.

I was about halfway home when my phone rang. I ignored it, it rang again. So I stopped, dug through my backpack, found my phone and answered it. It was Vern....."I am broke down on the side of the freeway. My car just quit running" Me:..."Call the towing company and then call me when you are on your way to the repair shop and I'll pick you up there." Seems like it should have been simple enough to me....ummm...not so much to Vern!

Next phone call a couple of minutes later....."I can't find the number to the towing company." Me..."Oh, you mean the one I told you to program into your phone the last time we had this conversation?" Vern..."Yeah, that one." Me..."You'll have to call information, I am walking, I have no resources available to me right now. Call information, call the towing company, and then call me when you are on your way to the repair shop and I'll come an pick you up there."

Next phone call...(I am home by this time)..."The towing company says there is a five mile limit to the towing and we'll have to pay for addtional miles." Me..."Hmmmm, it's never been that way before. How much extra per mile?" Vern..."I don't know. I didn't ask." Me..."Well, call them back, ask how much additional, have them come and get the car, and call me when you get to the repair shop and I'll come and get you there."

Now I call our State Farm agent and ask what's up with the road service policy. He says nothing's changed and I should call this OTHER towing company because they are better. In the meantime sandag has shown up and towed Vern's car off the freeway to a safer location...but they can't tow him to the repair shop. At least it was free...a state program for highway safety...nice.

So anyway, I call Vern back and say..."Larry says call THIS towing company. If they give us any problem over billing just pay them and bring the receipt to his office and he'll reimburse us by check. So call this company, have them tow you to the repair shop and call me and I'll come and get you there"

Next phone call...."I called that company and they can't come for 2 hours so they referred me to another towing company that has a contract with State Farm." Me..."PLEASE tell me they are on the way to get your car and tow you to the repair place!!!" Vern..."Yes they are, I'll call you when they get here." Me....under my breath..."Thank you Jesus!"...outloud to Vern..."That's great babe, I'll pick you up there." Vern..."They said there is a 10 mile limit to the towing service"....Me..."I don't care...we'll just pay the difference if there's any"

Finally, Vern calls and says they are on their way to the repair place. It's now been over two hours of calling back and forth, I am really trying to not be crabby about all of it as I drive to the repair place to pick him up.

I sit in my car at the repair place, take a deep breath while waiting for them to arrive and realize I have a choice. I can give in to the fact that I am tired and hungry and really wanting to be cranky and worried about the fact that we have no money for car repairs right now....or I can choose, right here, right now...to be grateful. Grateful that the phone call was car trouble and not a highway patrol officer informing me that there had been a terrible accident and I needed to get to the hospital or the morgue. Thankful that we have two cars and I can walk to work. Thankful that while I am hungry and have to wait a little bit to eat...I have more food in my kitchen at home than some third world villages have in the entire village. Thankful that my life is pretty blessed and it's all going to look better in the morning.

I am so glad to be able to write that I chose to be grateful. We finally got home and had dinner and I was not crabby or short with Vern and I was truly glad that we were home and that I have a husband who loves me...even if he can't seem to call a tow truck all by himself...LOL

Monday, Monday....

So here it is, Monday morning once again and along with being Monday it is also confession time for me. It's completely amazing to me that I can be so on top of the world on Saturday, thrilled with my success in my efforts to eat healthy and conquer my struggles with gluttony and binge eating, and here with my head hanging low on Monday morning to report that I, once again, gave in to the desire to binge. But, it is the reality of my struggle. I had myself a binge session last night.

If I was only living to please my Weight Watchers points tracker I would say the good news is that I am, amazingly, still within my weekly allowance of extra points. So technically, I haven't blown my plan. But..I don't live to please my points tracker. My desire is to live to please God. My desire is to learn to turn to Him for comfort and fulfillment and not stuff my mouth with food when it's really His comfort I am needing. Last night I didn't do that. Last night, when it would have been just as easy for me to come upstairs and open my bible and put on some worship music and have a quiet time....I chose to go into the kitchen and eat one thing and then another in an effort to fill whatever that "something" is....that craving that feels like hunger when it can't possibly be hunger.

This morning I awoke very early. I really couldn't say if I was awakened by the Spirit of God gently whispering to me in my heart and my mind, or by my upset stomach which was rolling and gurgling and rebelling against the junk I assulted it with last night...because both things were happening. But, as I lay there and realized that I had once again turned to my idol for comfort I began to see some of the triggers that led to this particular binge. Not that I think that the triggers are an excuse, but maybe if I realize what triggers these times, I can be better prepared to fight these urges, and run to God, the next time these feelings happen.

I don't know that it's necessary for me to list all the things that took place over the weekend to leave me vulnerable on Sunday evening. There were several little things that happened that just sort of stung when they took place. Several little opportunities to get my feelings a little bit hurt, or to stir feelings of anxiety in my heart. As I look back over the past few days I can pinpoint several times like that, when I found myself just stuffing those feelings back down and telling myself, "I'm over it." ...rather than taking those feelings to God, right then and right there and confessing the hurt and anxiety and turning it over to Him. I also had Autumn for the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE keeping her for the weekend. She is such a treasure and a precious little girl! But, she is four years old and requires a lot of intense attention and energy. And then, there is Autumn's Daddy, my oldest son. I had him over for a late lunch/early dinner on Sunday afternoon when he came to pick up Autumn. He is struggling to keep his head above water in the storm of emotions that are the result of his divorce. He's doing ok on the surface, just as Autumn is doing ok on the surface. But as a mother and a grandmother, I see the little things, the subtle changes, the lines around my son's eyes, the clinging to anything familiar that Autumn is doing...the little things that say, "my heart is struggling to make sense of all of this and to cope"...I see them all. And, while I am really, really trying to be in faith and cling to the knowledge that God has all of this under control and He will bring beauty for ashes from this whole situation...I worry. I try not to, but I worry.

So...anyway, when Chris left to take Autumn home....I turned to food. I didn't fully realize that is what I was doing at the time, I just thought I was hungry for a little something. But I had a little something and it didn't satisfy me. THAT'S when I should have known that food wasn't what I was hungry for. That's when I wish I would have realized that I was hungry for God's comfort.

So now, in the morning light of Monday, I can see so clearly the chain of events that led up to last night's behavior and I am grateful. I am grateful to God for waking me early and ministering to my heart. I am grateful that His tender mercy is new each and every morning. I am grateful for His word that transforms my mind. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives in me and enables me to do all things.

I am grateful for His promise that He will heal me of my backsliding...

Ezekiel 37:23
They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and I will cleanse them. They will be my people and I will be their God.

So...here is my menu from Sunday, February 22, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) cooked oatmeal 2
1 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 1
1/2 cup(s) fat-free cottage cheese 1.5
Subtotal 4.5
Midday
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
4 oz cooked extra lean ground beef 4.5
1 1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans 0.5
1 cup(s) canned stewed tomatoes 1
1/8 cup(s) canned tomato paste 0.5
Subtotal 7.5
Evening
3 tbsp chunky peanut butter, with salt 7
1 cup(s) whole milk 4
1 serving(s) Bread 45 calories per slice 2 slices 1
2 tbsp 37% Light Spread Margarine 2.5
Subtotal 14.5
Anytime
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 serving(s) Popcorn Plain 5 cups 2
2 large serving(s) Chocolate chip cookie dough 14.5
1 tbsp olive oil 3.5
3 Smoothie Popsicles 4.5
Subtotal 26.5
Food POINTS values total used 53
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Amazingly, I still have 6 weekly, extra points left. That makes me laugh!

Friday's menu and Saturday's Weigh-in...

So...here's my menu for Friday...

Friday, February 20, 2009

Morning
2 tbsp Sugar free French vanilla liquid 1
1 cup(s) cooked oatmeal 2
1 medium apple(s) 1
Subtotal 4

Midday
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1/2 cup(s) Red Beans 1
2 tbsp salsa 0
1 cup(s) mixed greens 0
Subtotal 6

Evening
1 cup(s) cooked brussels sprouts 0
1 cup(s) cooked cauliflower 0
2/3 cup(s) Red Beans 1.5
4 oz cooked chicken fillet 3.5
1 tbsp 37% Light Spread Margarine 1
2 tbsp fat-free sour cream 0.5
Subtotal 6.5

Anytime
3/4 serving(s) Popcorn Plain 5 cups 1.5
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
Subtotal 3.5

Food POINTS values total used 20
Food POINTS values remaining 4

Saturday morning is my morning for weighing in. I do this at my Mom's house because I dont (won't) own a scale. I don't like what it does to my head and I'm not completely sure that I'll keep weighing in weekly once I'm sure I'm on the right track. So anyway, as I was on my way to my Mom's house this morning I was trying to talk myself out of being disappointed if I didn't like what the scale had to say. I was thinking that maybe last week's loss was a fluke or that one of the little rubber feet thingies on the bottom of the scale may have fallen off and showed a loss for last week that didn't really happen. Actually, truth be told, I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of times during the week CONVINCED that this was what happened. Those little rubber feet thingies come off and then it can't possibly give an accurate weight. So, I was trying to prepare myself to deal with it if last week has been a mistake or a fluke or whatever. Is it becoming clear why I don't have a scale in my house?...LOL. I arrived at my Mom's house and went into the room with the scale. I flip the thing over and check the little feet thingies...all intact...whew! I tap it and watch while all the numbers zero out and take a breath and step on the scale...AND I AM DOWN 3 POUNDS FROM LAST WEEK!! I have now lost 13.5 pounds since January. I am shocked and relieved and happy!

I really haven't felt deprived. I haven't spent hours obsessing over my food. I've simply eaten within the points target suggested for me. How simple is that!?

And of course, I have prayed. I have prayed that God would teach me to be satisfied in Him and not go looking to stuff my face with food to quench some unquenchable longing inside me. And what Father, when his child asks for a fish, would give her a serpent or a scorpion? God is faithful and He will teach me that He is all I need. I have a long way to go but today I am encouraged.

Thursday's Weight Watchers Menu

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Morning
1 large banana(s) 2
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0.5
1 tbsp heavy whipping cream 1.5
1 cup(s) Fresh frozen whole strawberries 0
1/2 cup(s) fat-free cottage cheese 1.5
Subtotal 5.5


Midday
( this was a veggie sandwich from the deli. The bread was bigger so I counted it as 3 slices)
3 slice(s) whole-wheat bread 3.5
1 oz swiss cheese 2.5
1/2 cup(s) alfalfa sprouts 0
1/2 cup(s) cucumber(s) 0
1/2 cup(s) tomato(es) 0
1 cup(s) lettuce 0
1/2 cup(s) red onion(s) 0
1/2 medium avocado 4.5
Subtotal 10.5


Evening
4 oz cooked shrimp 2.5
2 cup(s) cooked cauliflower 0.5
1 tbsp 37% Light Spread Margarine 1
2 tbsp fat-free sour cream 0.5
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
Subtotal 5.5


Anytime
1 serving(s) Popcorn Plain 5 cups 2
Subtotal 2

Food POINTS values total used 23.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0.5

Weight Watchers Menu for Wednesday February 18, 2009

Can I just say...I love being on Weight Watchers!!!
I like being able to eat whatever I want, in moderation. I like the freedom that the plan offers me. I like feeling like I am not on a "diet." I am simply using the point system to practice portion control.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Morning
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
1/2 tbsp heavy whipping cream 0.5
1 cup(s) Fresh frozen whole strawberries 0
2 medium banana(s) 3.5
Subtotal 4

Midday
1/2 cup(s) canned black beans 1
1 cup(s) mixed greens 0
1 cup(s) cooked brussels sprouts 0
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
Subtotal 4.5

Evening
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
2 tbsp salsa 0
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
2 serving(s) Tortilla Carb Chopper 2.5
1 cup(s) fat-free skim milk 2
1 1/2 cup(s) Fresh frozen whole strawberries 0.5
1 tbsp Reduced fat mayonnaise 1
Subtotal 9.5

Anytime
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
Subtotal 3.5

Food POINTS values total used 21.5
Food POINTS values remaining 2.5

Activity
20 min walking, brisk 1
Activity POINTS values earned 1

Wednesday February 18, 2009

Just a quickie post this morning to log my menu from yesterday. I hope to get back here later but maybe not!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Morning
1 medium banana(s) 1.5
1 cup(s) cooked oatmeal 2
1 tbsp heavy whipping cream 1.5
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Midday
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
1 cup(s) mixed greens 0
1/2 cup(s) canned black beans 1
3 oz cooked chicken fillet 2.5
ExpressTrack item 0 (salsa)
1 serving(s) Tortilla Carb Chopper 1
Subtotal 5.5

Evening
2 item(s) egg 4
1 serving(s) English muffin, Thomas' Light 1
2 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
2 cup(s) Fresh frozen whole strawberries 1
1/2 cup(s) fat-free cottage cheese 1.5
Subtotal 8.5

Anytime
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
6 cup(s) plain air-popped popcorn 3
1/4 slice(s) Lemon Cake Mix, Prepared 1.5
I wanted some so I had a couple of bites and counted it as 1/4 slice.
Subtotal 6.5

Food POINTS values total used 25.5
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Activity
20 min walking, brisk 1
Activity POINTS values earned 1

Here I am....

I'm right here. I wonder if I'm ever going to become diligent to post to my blog DAILY and become a "real" blogger? Every time I come here and update my blog, I tell myself that I'm going to start to do it on a more regular basis. Then I get caught up in life, or I feel like I have nothing to say and suddenly it's been days or weeks or months since my last post. So anyway, here I am to update my blog.

So, I guess my "big news" is that a week ago I went back on "Weight Watchers." I haven't told very many people. In my "real life" I've told my bible study group and no one else. I haven't even told Vern. I guess I am embarrassed about my struggles with dieting and not wanting to "diet" and switching from this plan to that plan and back again...so I'm just keeping it mostly to myself for now.

Here's what led me back to Weight Watchers. I visit a several weight loss forums, mostly low carb forums. I see so many people trying to lose weight and taking things to the extreme with crazy crash diet versions of low carb. I have done it myself with the Kimkins diet. The combination of having fallen for Kimkins and watching people jump on whatever crazy crash diet is appearing in the forums has really led me to re-evaluate my ideas and behaviors when it comes to dieting. Somehow all of this soul searching and not wanting to be on a "diet" where certain foods are off limits and wanting to find a way to eay healthy foods and eat them in healthy amounts has led me back to Weight Watchers.

I am using the WW points system to help me learn how to eat everyday foods in healthy amounts and in healthy combinations. I realized that with all my years of doing this diet and that diet, I have no idea of how to put together a meal and just eat. As I type this I can hear my Mother's voie in my head, once again, saying, "It's not WHAT you eat, it's HOW MUCH you eat. I eat whatever I want but I eat smaller portions." Oh how I hate it when my mom is right!...LOL. I know that this might not be the case for everyone but in my case it really is a matter of how much I eat. I like huge portions of foods so a plan that says I can eat as much as I need to be satisfied doesn't work for me. Plain and simple...I struggle with the sin of gluttony. Hello, my name is Vickie, and I'm a glutton.

So anyway...the plan is to learn to eat within the parameters of the WW points system. So far I feel good about it. Along with the plan I am praying daily for God to strengthen me and enable me to overcome this sin of gluttony. And...something I haven't done in the past...I'm not sure why I haven't....I am THANKING God each day for helping me to overome my eating issues. What a novel idea.....being thankful for the day by day victories I am experiencing!

I have been on plan for one week. I am going to begin to record my menus here each day. Hey, that's a way to keep me blogging on a daily basis too!

Another tidbit of news is that even with all my struggling with all of this, I have lost 10.5 pounds since January!

OK...here's my menu for yesterday...
Oh, by the way, my target for daily points is 24. I earn additional points with exercise, and I have 35 points a week to use as I please throughout the week.

Breakfast:
2 cups coffee with 1/2 tbs cream each
1.5 pts

Lunch:
3 oz chicken breast meat
1/2 cup black beans
1/2 cup FF cottage cheese
1 cup Strawberries
1/2 cup blueberries
FF yogurt 6oz
7.5 pts

Dinner:
3 oz roast beef
1 small baked potato
1 cup roasted brussells sprouts
small dinner salad w/ spray on dressing
10 pts

Snacks:
5 cups popcorn
smoothie (strawberries and FF milk)
5 pts

Total 24 points

25 things I should have said to my Mom before now....

...so, I said that the whole "25 Things" fiasco had made me realize that my own Mom would probably like to hear 25 things too. My Mom and I had a tumultuous relationship for many years. As I have grown older I have realized that the reasons for our relationship being so rocky were mostly me being headstrong and stubborn. Over the past few years we have grown closer and more at peace with each other than we have ever been before so this was the perfect time for me to make this list. It was very healing and humbling for me to compose it. These are things I should have been grateful to my Mom for a long time ago...

25 Things I Should Have Said To My Mom Before Now...

Mom, as I am getting older, I realize more and more, with each passing day, just how much you mean to me, how much I cherish you, and how blessed I am that God chose you to be my Mom. As I have been thinking lately about the things I wish my sons would have said I realized that there are probably at least 25 things I could say to you that would tell you how much I love you. So here they are...


1)When I was a little girl I thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world. I still think you're beautiful.

2)I remember the way you used to sing to us kids in the car, and I sang those same songs to my boys when they were little. I miss hearing you sing sometimes

3)I remember coming home from school and you were ALWAYS there.

4)I am grateful that you continue to ALWAYS be there for me, no matter how difficult I have been to deal with, you are always there to love accept me and be my mom.

5)You taught me the value of honesty, integrity, and doing what you know in your heart to be right.

6)You taught me the importance of getting up every day, taking a bath, combing my hair, getting dressed and putting one foot in front of the other and facing the day....no matter what. That ability has carried me through some difficult times.

7)Mom, I don't think I have ever really said “Thank You.” Thank you for being the glue that has held our family together over the years.

8)Thank you for being there for my sons when I was too lost to be there for them.

9)Thank you for being both a grandmother and a mother to Chris. When I see the man he has become, and I am so proud of him, I know I have you to thank for loving and teaching and raising him into the man he is today.

10) Thank you for being a good and faithful wife to my father. As I grow older I realize more and more what a wonderful blessing that has been, and continues to be, in my life.

11) Thank you for always being there when I need to talk. I always feel better after we've talked it out...whatever it might be.

12) Thank you for never giving up on any of us. No matter what we've gone through, you have always been there, believing in us, praying for us, and knowing we would find our way back to the right path.

13) Thank you for opening your home to us when I was rebuilding my life, so that I could bring my boys home and put my family back together. I could never have done it without your help and support.

14) I don't know if you know this, but having coffee with you is so much more than a cup of coffee! The few minutes we spend over a cup of coffee renews my strength, refreshes my hope, and let's me know, once again, that everything is going to be ok.

15) There was a time, a couple of years ago. It was at the end of one of those long days in the emergency room with Dad. He had been released and we were heading out to the car. I was walking behind you and you reached out and took his hand to lead him to the car. Here you were, this tiny little woman, leading dad, this man who towers over you, to the car. In that moment you showed me the reality of what marriage and commitment are all about. It's one of the moments I cherish in my heart and you never even knew that I saw it.

16) I want you to know that I absolutely love being Grandmothers together! One of the greatest joys in my life is spending time together with you and Autumn.

17) Ok, this one might seem silly to you, but I love the way you smell! The scent of Vanderbilt cologne and the faint odor of cigarettes is one of the most comforting smells to me. I notice it when I hug you or when you give me clothes that you have worn. I notice that smell and it's just a feeling of...that's my mom!

18) I want you to know that I admire your generosity more than I can say. You are always there to give to any of us who are in need at the time.

19) You taught me that sometimes when you feel bad, or sad, or overwhelmed, the best course of action is just to go and take a bath! To this day, when I am sick, I sometimes take several baths a day...just to feel better.

20) I love that your home continues to be a gathering place for the family. It was that way when I was a child and it continues to be the hub where we all get together and share family times.

21) I admire your strength and courage that seem to come from simply loving your family and refusing to give up in the midst of whatever life brings.

22) I remember when I was a kid how you would take on anyone or anything to defend me. Remember the time you told Mr Todd, the principle, that you would “whip him all over the school” if he touched me? I remember, and I think you would still take on anyone or anything in defense of your kids or grandkids!

23) I love and admire your no-nonsense attitude. You say what you mean and you mean what you say.

24) I love that there is no pretense in you. You are who you are, and what you see is what you get with you. People tell me that I am that way and I think I inherited it from you.

25) Lastly, Mom, I am so glad that you're my Mom, my friend and my mentor. I have learned so much from you about life and love and family. I am a slow learner in some things and it has taken me far too long to realize just how special you are...but I get it now...with all my heart, I understand now just what a wonderful gift God gave me when He gave me you as my mother.


I love you Mom, and I thank God for you,

On Saturday, February 7, 2009. I printed this list out. I used large, bold type so that she would be able to read it. I put in in an envelope and laid it on her pillow for her to find. Her response was overwhelming in how much it touched her heart. I am so glad I did it.

This morning I was awakened by a thought...

....that was running through my mind, over and over again, like a tape loop. It was this;

Jesus said, "I am the light of men and he who follows me does not walk in darkness"

I quoted it here exactly as it was in my head, without looking it up to see if it was an exact quote of scripture. I'm serious...it was running through my head over and over...the way a song gets stuck in your head. I would drift back to sleep and when I awoke again it was still there...over and over, "I am the light of men..."

I have since looked it up and found it to be a paraphrased form of a passage in John.

John 8:12
When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the
world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light
of life."

I am posting it here for my own benefit, so that I will have a record of it. I want to put it here while it's still fresh in my mind and before I can begin to talk myself out of the reality of it. I know with all my heart that the Spirit was speaking to me this morning and I want to have this post to reference back to.

I feel like God is showing me something or preparing me for something that is to come. That's all I know so far...well that...and that I won't be walking in darkness.

Working it all out.....

This post is edited from the original. I have edited out the personal e-mails between my sons and myself out of respect for their privacy.


So, over the past few days of working through my feelings over the things my sons included in their lists of "25 things" God has shown me some wonderful truths. One of these truths is that I have wonderful sons! I hesitated to share all of this, in detail, here in my blog. My sons don't know that I blog and I'm not completely sure how they would like the details of our struggles being shared...but this, the outcome of this particular struggle brings honor to them and is worth sharing. So I am going to share it.

Here's what happened...

After my realization that my struggle with truly accepting God's forgiveness and mercy was really at the root of my hurt feelings, a friend said something to me that opened my eyes to another aspect of it all that I hadn't even thought about. She shared with me that her guilt and regret over her past mistakes had put a strain on her relationship with her son. She shared this with me on a message board and when I read those words I knew, without a doubt, that God was speaking directly to my heart through this wonderful woman!

As I pondered what she had said, I allowed myself to think about what it must be like for my sons to have to live with not only the scars from a rocky childhood, but with a mom who wears her heart on her sleeve over it. I thought about how unfair it is for me to expect them to watch their every word because I might get my feelings hurt. I realized that I, by my holding on to the guilt and shame, was holding their childhood over their heads and somehow, without intending it, was expecting them to some how make it all ok for me. What an unfair burden for a mom to place on the shoulders of her sons!


My original post included copies of my apology to both of them and their responses...all via e-mail as we are a tech generation family! I have taken those out as I said, out of respect for them. So I will just say that their response to my apology was loving, accepting, tender and reassuring. They are wonderful, forgiving men and I am proud to be their mom.

Things happen for a reason...

I have known this to be true for a very long time. Things happen for a reason. Everything that is allowed into our lives must first filter through the hand of our loving heavenly Father. So if it is allowed to come into my life there is a reason for it. And that reason is ultimately for my good. Sometimes it takes me a minute or two..or a day or two..or longer at times...to settle back into this truth and to come back to center....realizing that whatever the trial is, no matter the intentions of whoever or whatever brings the trial...God ultimately intends it for my good. That's where I am at today. I am back to center. I realize that God allowed my sons to hurt my feelings and that He did it to show me something....and His intentions are for my good.

I have to thank so many of my friends for your love and support and for helping me to not only get through this trial, but to find myself this morning, thanking Him for bringing it and rejoicing in His wisdom and grace. You know who you are and I thank you all so much.

Here is what I have learned over the past few days. It's funny because I thought I knew this already. But, God has a way of bringing circumstances into our lives that take this knowledge we have in our heads and moves it into our hearts where it can bear fruit and change our lives. So, here is what this circumstance has spoken to my heart....

God's grace is enough. His forgiveness is enough. I have repented of my past. I have done my best to make up for it and will continue to do the best I can by my sons...but the past is done...it's over. And more than that....it's been forgiven by the only one who truly matters. God's forgiveness is perfect. It takes that sin and casts it into the sea of forgetfulness...and causes it to be just as though it had never happened. It removes it from me as far as the east is from the west and it washes away every stain of guilt and shame. That is the truth that should impact my heart and my mind and the way I live and think and feel.

To allow feelings of shame and regret and guilt to define how I feel is to believe the lies of satan. It is to trample underfoot the wonderful gift of salvation, by which God caused the old to be washed away and created me anew. It is to forget that I am a new creation in Him created in righteousness.

All of this has conjured up a mental image for me where I can see Christ on the cross, hands spread wide, blood dripping from His hands, head, and side, and asking me, "Is this not enough for you?" I know that is a graphic description and I can't even put into words what it says to my heart, but it impresses on me that to believe the lies of satan is to somehow cheapen this sacrifice He made so that I could be forgiven.

So, I find myself, once again, humbled by His love for me and determined to embrace His truth, and to be set free by that truth, and to walk in newness of life and in the joy of my salvation...and to trust Him to bring my sons to the place where they too can walk free from the past.

I will close with two last things. All of this pondering over "25 things" has stirred a desire in my heart to make a list of 25 things for my own Mother. Our relationship has been rocky in the past. We are at a good place now but it's taken us a long time to get here and the road has been painful. I think the time is perfect for me to honor her with a list of 25 things I cherish about her. I am looking forward to creating the list and I will share it here when it's done.

The other thing is this passage of scripture that keeps running through my head:

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

Psalm 130:3,4