Monday, Monday....

So here it is, Monday morning once again and along with being Monday it is also confession time for me. It's completely amazing to me that I can be so on top of the world on Saturday, thrilled with my success in my efforts to eat healthy and conquer my struggles with gluttony and binge eating, and here with my head hanging low on Monday morning to report that I, once again, gave in to the desire to binge. But, it is the reality of my struggle. I had myself a binge session last night.

If I was only living to please my Weight Watchers points tracker I would say the good news is that I am, amazingly, still within my weekly allowance of extra points. So technically, I haven't blown my plan. But..I don't live to please my points tracker. My desire is to live to please God. My desire is to learn to turn to Him for comfort and fulfillment and not stuff my mouth with food when it's really His comfort I am needing. Last night I didn't do that. Last night, when it would have been just as easy for me to come upstairs and open my bible and put on some worship music and have a quiet time....I chose to go into the kitchen and eat one thing and then another in an effort to fill whatever that "something" is....that craving that feels like hunger when it can't possibly be hunger.

This morning I awoke very early. I really couldn't say if I was awakened by the Spirit of God gently whispering to me in my heart and my mind, or by my upset stomach which was rolling and gurgling and rebelling against the junk I assulted it with last night...because both things were happening. But, as I lay there and realized that I had once again turned to my idol for comfort I began to see some of the triggers that led to this particular binge. Not that I think that the triggers are an excuse, but maybe if I realize what triggers these times, I can be better prepared to fight these urges, and run to God, the next time these feelings happen.

I don't know that it's necessary for me to list all the things that took place over the weekend to leave me vulnerable on Sunday evening. There were several little things that happened that just sort of stung when they took place. Several little opportunities to get my feelings a little bit hurt, or to stir feelings of anxiety in my heart. As I look back over the past few days I can pinpoint several times like that, when I found myself just stuffing those feelings back down and telling myself, "I'm over it." ...rather than taking those feelings to God, right then and right there and confessing the hurt and anxiety and turning it over to Him. I also had Autumn for the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE keeping her for the weekend. She is such a treasure and a precious little girl! But, she is four years old and requires a lot of intense attention and energy. And then, there is Autumn's Daddy, my oldest son. I had him over for a late lunch/early dinner on Sunday afternoon when he came to pick up Autumn. He is struggling to keep his head above water in the storm of emotions that are the result of his divorce. He's doing ok on the surface, just as Autumn is doing ok on the surface. But as a mother and a grandmother, I see the little things, the subtle changes, the lines around my son's eyes, the clinging to anything familiar that Autumn is doing...the little things that say, "my heart is struggling to make sense of all of this and to cope"...I see them all. And, while I am really, really trying to be in faith and cling to the knowledge that God has all of this under control and He will bring beauty for ashes from this whole situation...I worry. I try not to, but I worry.

So...anyway, when Chris left to take Autumn home....I turned to food. I didn't fully realize that is what I was doing at the time, I just thought I was hungry for a little something. But I had a little something and it didn't satisfy me. THAT'S when I should have known that food wasn't what I was hungry for. That's when I wish I would have realized that I was hungry for God's comfort.

So now, in the morning light of Monday, I can see so clearly the chain of events that led up to last night's behavior and I am grateful. I am grateful to God for waking me early and ministering to my heart. I am grateful that His tender mercy is new each and every morning. I am grateful for His word that transforms my mind. I am grateful for His Spirit that lives in me and enables me to do all things.

I am grateful for His promise that He will heal me of my backsliding...

Ezekiel 37:23
They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from all their sinful backsliding, and I will cleanse them. They will be my people and I will be their God.

So...here is my menu from Sunday, February 22, 2009

Morning
1 cup(s) cooked oatmeal 2
1 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 1
1/2 cup(s) fat-free cottage cheese 1.5
Subtotal 4.5
Midday
1 serving(s) Cheese Slice fat free 1
4 oz cooked extra lean ground beef 4.5
1 1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans 0.5
1 cup(s) canned stewed tomatoes 1
1/8 cup(s) canned tomato paste 0.5
Subtotal 7.5
Evening
3 tbsp chunky peanut butter, with salt 7
1 cup(s) whole milk 4
1 serving(s) Bread 45 calories per slice 2 slices 1
2 tbsp 37% Light Spread Margarine 2.5
Subtotal 14.5
Anytime
1 serving(s) Yoplait Light Yogurt 2
1 serving(s) Popcorn Plain 5 cups 2
2 large serving(s) Chocolate chip cookie dough 14.5
1 tbsp olive oil 3.5
3 Smoothie Popsicles 4.5
Subtotal 26.5
Food POINTS values total used 53
Food POINTS values remaining 0

Amazingly, I still have 6 weekly, extra points left. That makes me laugh!