So...I've been walking...

As I mentioned, I'm baby-stepping my way back to healthy habits. I also mentioned that I've been in a funk. This week I decided that one step I could take toward a healthier lifestyle and feeling better would be to begin walking again. So I've been walking to work in the mornings. Nothing drastic or demanding....simply walking a mile to work.




This morning I was walking. I was simply walking along in the crisp, cool, morning air, my face turned upward toward the sun, feeling the warmth, both on the skin of my face and in the depth my heart, when all of the sudden I realized it felt good.....I felt good. And then I remembered why I began walking in the first place, several years ago. I remembered another time when I turned my face to the sun and warmed my skin and my soul...and I remembered the hope it gave me then...

Yes, I remembered and I felt joy..

I've been in a funk...

I'm not sure why, but I have been in a funk...spiraling out of control...my healthy lifestyle falling by the wayside...and allowing myslef to binge and be lazy. Of course with the binging comes the self loathing which turns into self pity...

Self, self, self....I am seeing a pattern here.....self.

So this morning I prayed this over my SELF...

Psalm 19:13
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.

This might seem unrelated to all this talk of self. But really it isn't. You see, I am realizing that I have been trying to overcome these behaviors in my SELF...in my own strength, by my own power and in my own "wisdom"...it isn't working.

What I need is for God to "keep me from deliberate sins!" I need to rely on His power to strengthen me when I want to walk into the kitchen and eat everything I know I shouldn't eat!

I am done relying on my own power. I can't deliver myself from this trap. I need the power of God to intervene for me. I don't really know what that is going to look like. I am going to do my best to make healthy choices and begin to babystep my way back to a healthy lifestyle....and I am going to continue to cry out to God my Savior to deliver me from my own self destructive behavior. Then I will be free of the guilt and self loathing that takes my eyes off of my God and focuses them on me.

A Crown of Splendor..

Proverbs 16:31
Grey hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life.

I read this passage on Friday morning during my quiet time. I thought to myself how interesting it is that I would stumble across this particular verse. I have, over the past year or so, been letting my hair revert back to its natural color, with all the grey that now streaks through it. I think its mostly all back, or maybe even is completely back, to its natural color. It's the first time in my adult life that I have had my natural color. I have colored my hair from the time I was about 17 years old. Right now it's a rich brown color with lots of grey running through it.

When I made the decision to go natural and thus also go grey, I had no idea how much the Lord would use it to teach me and speak to me....about things like giving up control and accepting whatever He brings into my life. At the same time I made the decision to go natural with my color, I also made the choice to allow my hair to grow out from the super short, very controlled style I have always worn, to a shoulder length, softer style. It's been an experience for me!Who would have ever thought that changing my hairstyle and color would be such a tool for the Lord to use in transforming me!?

When I was on retreat a couple (few?) weeks ago, I was watching a pair of older women from my church. They looked so beautiful to me with their peaceful countenances and their crowns of silver-grey hair. As I watched them I realized, and told the Lord, I want to be like those ladies when I am older. I want to have the peaceful countenace, and dignified look of someone who has walked with Him for a lifetime. Someone who has learned to be content in any and every situation, who has experienced both great blessing and tremendous heartache, and who has clung to faith in Christ Jesus throughout it all.

Someone who can wear her grey hair like a crown of splendor that is the reward of a life lived for, and through, Him...

Learning to be still....

I am trying to learn to be still. Trying to cultivate a meek and quiet spirit. It isn't easy. Once again this morning I read this in my quiet time..

Psalm 37:7-8 Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their evil ways, when they carry out their evil schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil.

and this...

Matthew 11:28-29 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

and this...

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...

There it is. It's so completely simple....be still, stop fretting, turn from wrath and anger, Know that He is God and He is working in every situation that I am experiencing. So very simple...and yet requiring great intentionality (is that even a word?)and requiring that I lay down my will and allow God to quiet my heart and empower me, by His spirit, to do what He has called me to do...which is..to become like Him...meek and gentle and humble in heart.....and to find rest in the knowledge that He is the blessed controller of all things.

On another note; I am realizing from the e-mails and private messages I've been getting from so many lovely women...(you know who you are and I am so, so grateful for your prayers and words of encouragement)....that I was unclear in my blog post about the difficulties in my marriage and I gave the impression that Vern continues to be an unbeliever. I'm sorry I wasn't clear. Vern was an unbeliever when we got married but accepted Christ as his Lord within a few months after we were married.

Seek things above...

I know I must seem like I am all over the place with these feelings, doubts, fears, emotions, and beliefs...and maybe I am.

Here's where I am at...in my natural self, I want what is going to make me happy. I want what I want.

But there's another me...the one who has been joined to Christ...and that person wants only to do His will and please Him.

These two "selfs" seem to be at war in my mind and heart.

I "think" I know what I want...what I want is to be out of this painful marriage. Then I open the Word and begin reading and everything I read convicts my heart that divorce cannot be an option for me.

I married my husband for better or for worse. I made a vow before God Almighty that I would love and serve my husband all the days of my life. I didn't vow to love and serve him only when it served me, or when it was easy, or when I got something in return. I simply promised to love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I am struggling with it. I am sorry that I made that vow. But right now, I simply cannot break it. There's a still small voice in my heart that won't allow me to let go.

Maybe I'm co-dependant, maybe it's the Spirit of God whispering his truth to my heart. I honestly don't know which it is...but now, today....I have to heed that voice in my heart and have in myself the same attitude that was in Christ Jesus...

Philippians 2:5-11
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
6Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

If Christ Jesus, who was, and is, Lord of the universe, could lay down His rights and be obedient to do God's will to the point of becoming a servant, to the point of dying on a cross in my place....to become NOTHING when He is Lord of all creation...then who am I to refuse to lay down my rights and wants and desires and do what I feel is right in accordance with scripture?

How do I walk this out? I think maybe this is how...

Colossians 3:1-5
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

This is hard. I am fearful that submitting to God's will for me means to live in this awful, lonely marriage for the rest of my life. But maybe that fear is a lie...or maybe it's reality...either way I have to trust that in the center of God's will, keeping my eyes focused on Him...is where I belong.

Who will I be...

that's one of the questions I have. So much of my life is lived on the internet (as seems to be the case with women who have husbands who ignore them) and everywhere I go I am "VernsWifeVickie." Who am I going to be now?

These are the things I wonder about.

Talking myself through this...

...I'm hoping that talking to myself here on my blog will help me sort this stuff out in my head.

Sunday I was SURE that divorce was looming in my future. But then Sunday Night/Monday morning I wasn't so sure. Vern came to me and told me he was willing to do whatever it was going to take to save this marriage...oh my goodness...I sooo want to believe that. I sooo don't want to have to go through the pain of divorce.

This afternoon, after work, I caught him in another lie...how can you say you want to build a marriage, based on trust, and then intentionally lie? I don't get it.

Maybe I don't get it because it's not rational..maybe that's it.

I asked him to move out.

Did I mention that I lead a small group bible study twice a month? I am going tomorrow night and lay out what's happening in my life to the girls in my study....I am going to step down, I think.

Did I mention that I asked him to move out? I'm sure he won't but I asked him to anyway.

My Prayer

I wrote this in my journal this morning.

Lord,

Please help me and forgive me for turning my face away from you when times are hard.

I don't know how to fix this marriage, I don't know if I am willing to try. Lord, please make me willing. Help to accept whatever circumstances are in my life with grace and trust.

I confess that my heart is filled with anger, disappointment, bitterness and hopelessness. I am sorry Lord, I know that none of these emotions are pleasing to you nor healthy for me. Cleanse me and create in me a clean heart and a willing spirit to face whatever lies ahead for me. Empower me by your Spirit to be willing to do whatever it takes to build my marriage and to have the grace to love and forgive...no matter what the outcome is.

In Your name I pray...
Amen

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, Oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
foe I will yet praise Him

Reality...

...it's not that I haven't been honest on my blog over these past months, or years, I'm not really sure how long I've been blogging.....but the things I blog about are true and real and from my heart....it's that there are subjects and circumstances that I just avoid bringing to my blog. I'm not sure why....maybe it's out of a sense of privacy, or respect, or maybe it's me hiding behind a facade that I have it all together. This morning I'm here to say...I soooo don't have it all together.

Things feel like they are coming apart at the seams....and I think maybe they are.

Here's the reality of what I am struggling with right now. One thing is my marriage and one is my job.

My marriage....I met Vern in 2001 after (during, really) a very difficult divorce. I had been in a mariage for nine years with a man I met in church, I served with in church and who, on the surface, everyone thought was a good, solid Christian man. The man I went to church with was not the man I lived with. And in all honesty....the woman he went to church with was not the woman he lived with. I didn't know how to respond to the issues between us with anything other than anger...so our home was a war zone. We fought it out and hung in for nine years, wounding each other more and more deeply as the years went on. And, I might add, wounding my sons with the anger, stress and tension that hung thick in the air in our home. I ended up on the psychiatrist's couch and on three different antidepressants to begin to lift the fog of despair and hopelessness that had engulfed my very being when that marriage finally ended.

It was during this time that I met Vern. There was a sweetness about him that drew me to him immediately. I was disillusioned with God, and Christianity , and church......and I clung to Vern like a port in a storm even though he wasn't a Christian and didn't even believe in God. We were inseparable from the beginning and fell head over heels in love...well at least that's what I thought. When I married him I did it in virtual secrecy so that I wouldn't have to listen to the warnings and cautions of my friends.

So anyway...fast forward to now. We have been married amost five years. We don't really fight much. But we don't talk really either. We live together separately. There is no companionship...unless we are out doing something. I will say that....Vern is a great companion to go someplace with. But as soon as we get in the door at home, all companionship ends. The television comes on and I am once again completely ignored. There is no affection and we are celibate.

I have begged and cried and gotten angry over it...all to no avail. I have tried to be a better wife so that I am not somehow pushing him away....but I am finally realizing that I am not the cause of Vern being unable or unwilling to love me.

I know that there are wives who live in these loveless marriages for years on end and they do it with grace and peace and contentment...but that's not me. As hard as I have tried to convince myself that I can be completely fulfilled in the Lord...it's not happening. There is a hole on my heart that grows a bit larger with each passing week. I am struggling so hard to try and avoid having that hole fill itself up with biterness and resentment....and I seem to be failing at it.

So all of that is leading up to this...I told Vern this weekend that we either get some counseling and BOTH try to build a solid marriage...or I am filing for divorce.
I realize that's harsh and possibly even sinful...but I am done being married all by myself.

And I am frightened and feeling oh so very vulnerable right now..that's the reality of it.

Words fail me...

Today my heart is breaking for my sweet friend AmyB and Her family.

Please keep them in your prayers as they experience this unfathomable heartbreak.

I love you Amy and you continue to be in my prayers and on my heart.

Fret Not Yourself....

This morning in my devotional time I was reading in Psalm 37 and verses 7 and 8 caught my attention.

Psalm 37:7-8
Be still and rest in the Lord; wait for Him and patiently lean yourself upon Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked devices to pass.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself--it tends only to evildoing.

The part that really jumped out at me this morning was that both verses warned against "fretting." In the amplified translation it reads, "fret not yourself." Can it be that fretting is something I do to myself?...and it leads only to evildoing? Wow!

So being the lover of words that I am, and considering how looking the words up in the dictionary gives me a clearer understanding of things....I looked up the word "fret" on dictionary.com.

(Have I mentioned how much I love my iPhone? And that I use it in my devotional time almost every morning because my quiet time is downstairs where I can be alone and my computer is upstairs in our bedroom? And I have two apps on it that are becoming almost indispensable to me!? I have Dictionary.com and a bible app that are ever so useful!)


ok, so where was I? Oh, yes, I looked up "fret" on dictionary.com (on my phone--insert smiley face here)and I found this...

fret
–verb (used without object)
1.
to feel or express worry, annoyance, discontent, or the like: Fretting about the lost ring isn't going to help.
2.
to cause corrosion; gnaw into something: acids that fret at the strongest metals.
3.
to make a way by gnawing, corrosion, wearing away, etc.: The river frets at its banks until a new channel is formed.
4.
to become eaten, worn, or corroded (often fol. by away): Limestone slowly frets away under pounding by the wind and rain.
5.
to move in agitation or commotion, as water: water fretting over the stones of a brook.
–verb (used with object)
6.
to torment; irritate, annoy, or vex: You mustn't fret yourself about that.
7.
to wear away or consume by gnawing, friction, rust, corrosives, etc.: the ocean fretting its shores.
8.
to form or make by wearing away a substance: The river had fretted an underground passage.
9.
to agitate (water): Strong winds were fretting the channel.
–noun
10.
an irritated state of mind; annoyance; vexation.
11.
erosion; corrosion; gnawing.
12.
a worn or eroded place.

So here's what I came to understand about worrying and fretting myself...when I give in to the temptation to fret, I wear away and corrode my faith, peace, and contentment that God freely offers to me. I torment and vex myself, allowing worry to corrode a path right through my faith and into my heart to torment me.

I have a choice. I can be still and rest in the Lord, leaning on and trusting in Him. Or I can choose to "fret myself."

Today I'm reminding myself to choose the better path.

So my sister and I went on a retreat...

...we took matching bags


And we had matching pedicures.


It was on Mt Palomar, so we stopped at the observatory.


We saw some of the local wildlife on the drive up.


And were fascinated by the woodpeckers while we were there.


Of course I made friends with the camp cat. I am a cat person you know.


We wore matching hats,


and we had matching bedding....and we dressed alike too.


We drank coffee together in our matching pink hoodies!


We had some quiet time to reflect on the Word.


My friend the cat, who was called "Stinky" by the staff, but who confided to me that his name is really Edward, joined us for coffee each morning.


And finally we had a really wonderful communion service, after which we symbolically wrote one thing that we felt God was calling us to finally, truly, surrender to Him, on a piece of paper towel and dropped it in the "blood" of Jesus. It was a moving and emotional act.



The retreat was a lovely, three day weekend. I have been intending to share the photos of it here for a while, and today I finally found the time to do so.

Saturday...

Oh Yeah...Saturday...coffee....God's Word...lounging in my PJs....I love Saturday

And so the day begins...

Go Eat Popcorn

I'm here! I'm not missing. I am trying to reprioritize my time and so far I'm not being too successful at getting much on line time. So anyway...one of the things I am determined to begin doing again is having a consistent quiet time, time in the Word, each morning. So for the month of October (actually I started yesterday)I am going to "Go Eat Popcorn" in my devotional time.

This phrase was told to me many, many, years ago by the mother of someone I was dating. It was back when my life was crazy and out of control. I'll spare the details but suffice to say that this was not a healthy dating relationship in any way, shape, or form! Anyway...one morning, after I had spent the night at this man's home, doing drugs and partying, etc. I was getting ready to leave and his mother was there. She began to talk about the Lord. I wasn't a Christian at the time. I don't remember anything else about the conversation except that she told me I should get a bible and "Go Eat Popcorn," meaning I should read Galations(Go), Ephesians (Eat), and Philippians (Popcorn), one each day until I understood what they were saying.

I don't remember this man's name or the mother's name. I honestly don't remember much about that relationship that took placed during that drug induced haze. But I remember the "Go Eat Popcorn" phrase. So here I am twenty five or so years later...and I am going to "Go Eat Popcorn!"

Ephesians 2:1-5
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

Chocolate Flax Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Peanut Butter Frosting...

I am normally not a "recipe blogger"..not that there is anything wrong with being a recipe blogger...I just am usually not. But today I made these low carb "cupcakes" to take to a family BBQ so I wouldn't be tempted by the "real" cake....and oh my goodness...they were so good! I had to share...

Chocolate Flax Muffins

2 eggs
1/2 c flax meal
2 tbs cocoa powder
1/4 c heavy cream
1/4 tsp baking powder
1/8 tsp Stevia powder

Frosting:
4 oz cream cheese softened
2 tbs PB2 powdered peanut butter
1/8 tsp vanilla
stevia to taste.

Mix all of the first list of ingredients together until smooth.
Fill 6 muffin tins (sprayed with nonstick spray)
This will be enough batter to fill 6 muffin openings almost half full.
Bake at 350 for 12-15 minutes or so or until they are done.
Set asided to cool.

Mix all frosting ingredients together until it's the consistency of frosting.
At this point I put each cupcake in a paper cupcake liner before I frosted them.
Frost each cupcake with a portion of the frosting.

Makes 6 cupcakes
each one has:
180 calories
5 gms carb
2 gms fiber
3 gms net carb

I've been struggling..

...I've been struggling with many things over the past few weeks.Maybe you can tell because I haven't been blogging..LOL. I do tend to withdraw and isolate when I'm not doing well. So anyway, I've been struggling...and praying...and trying to trust God...and finding myself feeling fearful and resentful....and just spiraling down.

But this isn't so much a post about the stuff that's going on that is testing my faith. It's a post about how God continues to minister to my heart and cover me with grace and mercy as I walk it out.

So, let's start with a day about ten days or so ago. (I think) I was driving to work one morning .....early....because I had more work to do than I felt I could get done. As I was driving I was sort of talking (whining really) to God about how unsupported I was feeling in all that was going on. My car was so dirty that I couldn't even see out the back window to back out of the driveway that morning. We are no longer allowed to wash our cars in our driveway at our condo, and I just hadn't had time to go to the car wash. Now I know no one else would EVER think this...LOL...but I was actually complaining to God that some women have husbands who look out for them and take care of them...and park on the street so their wife can park in the garage...and GASP...even surprise them by getting their car washed for them. Oh yes, I was having quite the little, spoiled brat, whiney conversation with my Heavenly Father. Then I arrived at work, parked my car and went in to start my busy day.

A few hours later I looked up to see the mobile detail guys scrubbing away on my car! I stopped, dead in my tracks and just watched, with tears rolling down my cheeks, for a few minutes as the detail guys worked away on my dirty car. I didn't have the sense to snap a photo for this blog post though...because I am out of the habit! I was flabbergasted that God had actually responded to my need to feel supported, even though I wasn't "in faith"...I was whining and complaining and feeling sorry for myself...and He met my need....as small and really insignificant as it was...He used a car wash guy to minister His grace to my heart. I kept whispering, "Thank you Jesus," as I watched. I couldn't wait to tell my boss and then my sister about this wonderful thing that God had done.....using a car wash guy to show me that He loves me and that no matter what Vern does or doesn't do, I have a heavenly husband who loves me completely and perfectly. Oh yeah, THAT DAY I GOT IT...I understood it...and I had a God moment.

But...the next day I was complaining again...just as if the miracle car wash had never taken place.

Then one day a few days later as I was again driving and fretting and feeling discontented...I found myself behind this car at a signal light. (Notice THIS TIME I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture...It's illegal to talk on the phone while driving here..well without a hands free accessory anyway...I wonder if it's legal to photograph with my phone while driving?...LOL)



You might not be able to see it clearly but the license plate reads, "restnhm"...rest in Him...again, I knew that God had orchestrated my day so the events and circumstances would minister His grace and peace to me. I couldn't wait to get home and show my sister...she smiled that smile and said "That's really nice, honey."...yeah sometimes you just had to be there...LOL

So anyway....one morning a few days ago, I was getting redy for work. I was thinking about all the stress of work, and marriage, and an out of work husband with a broken foot (and considering throwing myself down the stairs so I can lay on the couch all day and watch CSI while my foot heals.) I was thinking how hard it is to trust God when life gets sideways...and SUDDENLY..it all started swirling around in my mind...the God moments in the midst of the triel, my untrusting whiney, complaining heart, the circumstances...

and I found myself thinking about the story of the guy whose house is flooding and God sends a sherriff, a boat and a helicopter to save him, but he's waiting for God to save him in a miraculous way...so he dies. When he gets to heaven he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" And God answers, "I sent a sherrif, a boat and a helicopter but you wouldn't accept them, so you died." And suddenly I realized that God had been sending me moments of encouragement to tell me that I am never alone. I am never unsupported, He always has and always will meet my needs and support me and love me, and care for me in a way that no person ever, ever will. he was sending me these things and I was receiving them for a moment and then getting bogged back down in the cares of life and forgetting them.

Then my mind went to the 10 lepers that Jesus healed and only one turned back to praise and thank Him. I wondered if the other nine might have been blessed to be healed, even talking amongst themselves about how cool it was that Christ did that for them but simply failed to TURN AROUND and thank Him. Maybe they were grateful, just as I was momentarily grateful for the signs God sent me...but my gratitude didn't cause me to TURN AROUND...to stop heading down the path of murmering and complaining. To TURN AROUND and to be grateful enough to take my eyes off of all the circumstances and to fasten my gaze upon Him...the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, who cares for me and has promised to never leave me or forsake me.

I wonder...and today I am choosing to be grateful, to turn my eyes upon Jesus...and to TURN AROUND and PRAISE HIM.

Have a blessed day.

Back at it...

Here I am...back at it again...LOL...that's almost becoming a joke in my mind!

We've had a tough couple of weeks at our house. Vern fell down the stairs in our condo and broke his foot. I'll be back to write a post about that whole experience soon...when time permits..

anyhooo...I've been back to low carbing for a week now. Here's my starting weigh in from September 7, and my weigh in for this morning.

Just another Wednesday...

...I'm trying to be faithful to post here daily....so here goes..

Once again I can't say that I stayed the course with my plan to eat healthy 100%. My sister and I went to the Padre game last night. She was so cute. She packed us a wonderful picnic of salad and chicken for dinner. I love Petco Park because they let you bring in your own food! How cool is that!? So anyway...we had a great, healthy dinner...and then a couple of margaritas...the salt and the sugar...oh yeah...not exactly low carb fare! Then, of course there was fat free frozen yogurt when I got home after the hour long trolley ride from the ballpark. But for the most part I did well.

I don't have much to say this morning...

But in the interest of trying to get back in the habit of blogging daily, here I am!

I had plans to eat low carb for a week or two until I feel a little more controlled in my eating. I did pretty well with it until I got home from work. My sister had decided to surprise me by cooking dinner. It was some sort of steak, tenderized, breaded and fried...oh yeah!...LOL. It was so thoughtful of her and she didn't know I was trying for low carb. So anyway, I had the steak...and some nonfat frozen yogurt...so the day wasn't exactly low carb...but it was a better food choices day than I have had in a while so I'm calling it good.

I am feeling overwhelmed at work and trying not to freak out about it. So this is my scripture for the day...

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Oh yeah...that's what I am going to be trying for today...keeping my eyes on Him!

I'm back...again...

I know...I keep disappearing for weeks at a time and then reappearing with the words, "I'm back." But hey, at least I'm not giving up....right?

So anyway, I am back. I'm up another 5 pounds or so since the last time I posted a weigh in 2 weeks ago....sigh....



I'm weary of being out of control. I am tired of making unhealthy choices. I am ready for a healthy routine and for making healthy choices once again. My track record proves out that I can't say with any amount of confidence that I'm back to stay and my days of making dumb choices are over...but I can pretty confidently say that today I am going to make healthier choices.

I think I am coming to realize that this whole issue of healthy choices extends far beyond my food choices and whether or not I choose to exercise....it affects my entire life. When I am out of control...I am simply out of control. I find myself living to fulfill my "carnal nature" rather than being led by the spirit of God. I let my quiet time slide. I allow myself to nurse offenses at others. I live a completely "earthly" existence rather than keeping my eyes up and focusing on the eternal.

Philippians 3:18-19
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.

Oh yeah, that's been me....living as though I was an enemy of the cross of Christ....my mind almost completely on earthly things and spinning out of control because of it.

So, starting again today I am determined that this will be me. In fact I am going to read this passage every morning for a while...

Colossians 3:1-3
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Happy Monday...

It's about time I updated my blog, don't you think?....

As I mentioned a while back, I have been in a bit of a funk. I decided sometime over the weekend that I am tired of being in a funk. It seems that this is not going to just magically "lift" off of me so I am making a choice to get over it!

Psalm 118:24
This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Yep, that's what I have decided. And part of that decision is getting back to doing the things I normally do...like posting to my blog...and having a Monday morning weigh in...



Of course my weight is up even more. That tends to happen when I spend time being in a funk instead of making the choice to rejoice in all the good things God has given to me and done for me. I can't say that I am ready to say "I'll get back on my healthy eating plan and stay there"...because I am not ready to do that. But I will say that I am ready to try and make more good choices than bad. And I am committing to walking....speaking of walking....my sister and I walked at the San Diego Zoo last night...2.25 miles up and down hills. We saw this guy on our walk...



We spent some time with my oldest son, Chris (Autumn's Daddy)at the San Diego Wild Animal Park on Saturday evening. I love time spent with them..



I had this great idea that I could teach the kittens, Fred and Ethyl, to wash dishes and clean the kitchen but it's not going so well. They simply play in the water...






And then nap....



So, who am I to argue with kittens...they know about napping. So I have been joining them....



I've had some wonderful outings with my Knight recently...



and I have been enjoying my Starbucks gift cards (this could explain the weight gain)




Seems my life is pretty blessed so I am done being in a funk

....this truly is the day that the Lord has made...

What I'm thinking about this morning...

Update Saturday Morning: so I decided to simple "hide" the status updates from the kids whose updates are causing me angst, for a while. The statements and updates they are making are not the problem, really. It's that there are a myriad of statements that young adult children make every day....statements that aren't necessarily bad things...but things that Mom (me) wouldn't normally know about...until Facebook. So for now, I'm making the choice to not read and know about those things. Because I worry....

I've been in a bit of a funk lately...not really sure why...

So anyway, I was walking to work this morning and thinking about a lot of things. One of the thoughts that is rolling around in my brain this morning is that maybe I should just cancel my Facebook account. I'm not sure what the answer is....but I'm also not sure I really want to see and hear so much of what my kids are doing..you know? I don't necessarily need to know when one of them is thinking of buying a gun, or driving a hundred miles an hour, or see the "wink, wink...thanks for a great date night comments"...or my personal favorite from one of the girlfriends...."I see (our moms) watching us and judging us"...tongue in cheek, I'm sure, but rather stinging none the less in light of how much I am having to deal with the huge red flags that are going off in my brain over the whole thing...

So yeah, maybe I am beginning to agree with my own mom in wondering if being on Facebook really is such a fun thing....

Disneyland

Sunday was Vern's birthday. Disneyland offers a free ticket on your birthday if you sign up for it on their website. We decided that the "happiest place on earth" would be a great place to celebrate!

What great fun we had!! We ended up doing the upgrade to annual passes. Here's a tidbit of information that I was so pleasantly surprised to learn...they let us use Vern's free birthday ticket for the upgrade! Here's how it works, in order to do the annual pass, and do monthly payments rather han a lump sum, you need to buy a ticket and then upgrade it. So it would normally be $144.00 for the tickets which could then be upgraded to the annual pass. But they counted Vern's free birthday ticket as $72.00 so we only had to pay the 72.00 for my ticket and then pay the balance monthly. We're so excited to know that we can now go to Disneyland or California Adventure as often as we want to all year long!


So anyway..here are a few snapshots from our day..

This is so funny to me...we live in Santee which is in San Diego County. Up until just a few months ago there were no Sonic Drive Ins in San Diego. But they built one this past winter right here in Santee. It's within a couple of blocks of our home but we have never eaten there because it is so crazy crowded all the time. They seriously have traffic control directing cars into the place and it's been that way since they opened. People are honest to goodness sitting in lines on the back street in their cars waiting for their turn to get into the parking lot. So we, being unwilling to sit in line for 30 to 40 minutes to go to Sonic, have not been!

Vern had never been to Sonic at all so we decided to go to Sonic on our way to Disneyland. So here we are at the Sonic in Anaheim, 3 miles from Disneyland. How funny that we can't even get into the parking lot of the Sonic by our house but at this one, we were one of only two cars there! Of course we had the "toaster breakfast sandwich combo" with tater tots! Vern likes sausage and egg McMuffins better but was glad to finally be able to eat at Sonic.






The rest of these were simply photos we took throughout the day. We had a ball. I am not real happy about that middle aged obese woman being next to my husband in all the shots...great motivation to stay on my diet plan!

Getting back into the swing of things...

So...it's Tuesday morning. I survived the Monday of getting back into the swing of it! I went back to work, started back on my Weight Watchers plan, and even got my walk in!

In the interest of accountability, here's how yesterday went...

Morning:
Coffee, 3 mugs spread out over the course of the morning with a total of 1 cup Almond Breeze "milk" and 1 Tbs of heavy cream. I've been drinking my coffee with a combination of Almond Breeze and a teaspoon of heavy cream in each large mug. This combination satisfies my appetite for a strong, rich, creamy cup of coffee in the morning without adding a ton of points to my day.
2.5 points

Breakfast:
The morning got away from me and I ended up skipping breakfast
0 points

Lunch:
1 pre-cooked Teriyaki Chicken "Breast" from Costco (frozen foods)
2 cups baby spinach leaves sprayed with balsamic salad spray
3points

Dinner:
Same Chicken "breast" as lunch (I'm lazy)
1/2 cup Brown Rice with 1 Tbs light margarine spread
Stir "fried" snap peas, peppers, and onions
Golden Spoon frozen yogurt
10.5 points

Snacks:
WW Frozen Peanut Butter Cup Sundae 3 points
1 bottle Smirnoff Ice Raspberry Burst 5 points
(this was good but not worth the 5 points!)

Target:24
Total Used: 24 points

Activity: walked a total of 1 hour
3 points

So...there we go, one day of on plan eating and healthy exercise accomplished. Now to do the same thing today!

My prayer:
Dear Lord,
I know from Your word that self control is a fruit of the Spirit and I am asking You to help me to be temperate and controlled by Your Spirit in all that I do today. Help me to remember that You are my strength and my comfort and to turn to You and to Your word for satisfaction and comfort. I pray this in Your wonderful name, Christ Jesus.
Amen

Back to reality....

(insert heavy sigh here, not a sad sigh but a sigh of resignation to reality)

Today it's back to reality for me in more ways than one! I have been on vacation for a week. I didn't leave town. I spent my vacation here at home but I was off from work for a week. Today I go back to work. I'm grateful that I have a wonderful job, I really am. But it sure was nice being off for a week!

I am also resigned to getting back on my healthy eating plan by returning to counting Weight Watcher points.

Oh, and then there's the reality of the need for exercise..

...and the reality of the photos we took yesterday at Disneyland. We went for Vern's birthday. We had a wonderful time. The photos show an obese middle aged woman standing next to my handsome husband...that woman needs to step aside! That's reality! (I'll post the photos of our wonderful day at Disneyland a bit later)

...and the big, slap in the face reality of my weekly weigh in. How appropriate that my socks have cupcakes on them....there are some cupcakes in the trash downstairs...along with some golden, chocolate filled Oreos...alrighty then....on to Monday!

The Wisdom of the Woodcutter

One of my book study assignments for the lesson our group is doing is to share this story with a friend and share what I am learning from it. So, I thought I would share it here.....

Once there was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all, for he owned a beautiful white horse. Even the king coveted his treasure. A horse like this had never been seen before—such was its splendor, its majesty, its strength.

People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great. But he never sold the horse.

One morning he found that the horse was not in the stable. All the village came to see him. "You old fool," they scoffed, "we told you that someone would steal your horse. We warned you that you would be robbed. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. No amount would have been too high. Now the horse is gone, and you’ve been cursed with misfortune."

The old man responded, "Don’t speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. If I’ve been cursed or not, how can you know? How can you judge?"

The people contested, "Don’t make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed. The simple fact that your horse is gone is a curse."

The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty, and the horse is gone. The rest I don’t know. Whether it be a curse or a blessing, I can’t say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"

The people of the village laughed. They thought that the man was crazy. They had always thought he was fool; if he wasn’t, he would have sold the horse and lived off the money. But instead, he was a poor woodcutter, an old man still cutting firewood and dragging it out of the forest and selling it. He lived hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now he had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.

After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn’t been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned, he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke. "Old man, you were right and we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."

The man responded, "Once again, you go too far. Say only that the horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don’t judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? You read only one page of a book. Can you judge the whole book? You read only one word of a phrase. Can you understand the entire phrase?

"Life is so vast, yet you judge all of life with one page or one word. All you have is a fragment! Don’t say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don’t."

"Maybe the old man is right," they said to one another. So they said little. But down deep, they knew he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.

The old man had a son, an only son. The young man began to break the wild horses. After a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgements.

"You were right," they said. "You proved you were right. The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever."

The old man spoke again. "You people are obsessed with judging. Don’t go so far. Say only that my son broke his legs. Who knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment. Life comes in fragments."

It so happened that a few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded, because he was injured. Once again the people gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. There was little chance that they would return. The enemy was strong, and the war would be a losing struggle. They would never see their sons again.

"You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Yours son’s accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever."

The old man spoke again. "It is impossible to talk with you. You always draw conclusions. No one knows. Say only this: Your sons had to go to war, and mine did not. No one knows if it is a blessing or a curse. No one is wise enough to know. Only God knows."

I am learning MUCH...both from this story and from the crazy twists and turns that life takes. I am still processing it all. I'll get back to you when I am able to better articulate what I am learning...