It's been one of those weeks....my eating isn't especially bad. I'm on plan for the most part. But I'm busy and stressed. I'm kind of tracking but not as faithfully as I should.
So much of this journey is mental and emotional...so today I'm just going to share something I wrote yesterday morning after waking from a nightmare. It's 24 hours later and my heart is still raw from it...
This morning at 3:33am I awoke from a nightmare. There were those few seconds when I was waking up and hadn't yet realized it was a dream and I was sick with grief and fear and panic. And even after realizing it was a dream I am left feeling a little wounded and traumatized.
I dreamed I was with my granddaughter at a park. A park with a pond. We were walking near the edge and she was being silly. Just as I was about to caution her to be careful, she slipped and fell into the murky, slimy water, and immediately sank to the bottom.
As so often it happens in dreams, my feet seemed to be glued to the ground and my body moved in slow motion as I first reached for her and then jumped in after her. I was swimming frantically in the dirty, murky water trying to find her, to save her, knowing that she was drowning as I was searching for her.
I woke up in a cold sweat before I was able to rescue her. As I came to my senses I reached for my phone to see what time it was. Exactly 3:33am. I snapped a screenshot of the time on my phone, just because.
I got up to use the bathroom and when I got back in bed I told Vern about my dream. I told him I was sure it reflected my helpless feelings about the situation of her mother moving to Texas and her being caught in these circumstances that no seven year old should have to experience. My heart breaks for her and for her Dad, my son, who is doing his best to deal with all of it as his own heart is breaking.
As I laid back on my pillow, reflecting on all of this, I suddenly thought of Naaman, from the book of 2 Kings. Naaman had leprosy and he went to see the prophet, Elisha, to be cured. When he got to where Elisha was, Elisha didn't even come out to talk to him. He sent a messenger to tell him to wash in the Jordan river seven times and them he would be cured.
Naaman was furious. Elisha's instructions made no sense at all. The Jordan was dirty, and couldn't Elisha have at least come out and spoken to him in person?
Thankfully for Naaman, he had friends who convinced him to do what the prophet instructed and he was healed of his leprosy.
So what does that story have to do with my dream? I think it just may be that God is trying to tell me something. I think maybe I need to simply trust Him. None of this makes any sense to me. I don't see how any good can come of this situation. Just as Naaman would never have thought to take a dip in the filthy Jordan river, I would never have chosen this difficult path for my grandchild to have to walk. But I know that God loves her. I know that He brings beauty from ashes. I know that His ways are not my ways and things don't have to make sense in order for me to trust Him. So my choice is this...I can choose to let go of the care and worry of all if this and simply trust God or I can drown in the muck and slime of worry and fear.
This morning, once again, I am choosing to lay it down. I am choosing to trust that God will somehow work this all out and He will care for my precious granddaughter in the midst of it all. I say all of this knowing that its only by the power of His Holy Spirit that I will be able to do this and I'm sure I'll have to lay it down again and again as the care of it all creeps back in. His grace is sufficient ...for me...and for the ones I love.
I'm reminded of this quote by Alan Redpath...
"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing - that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause my to fret - for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is! - That is the rest of victory!" Alan Redpath