Wow! It's almost 2009 already!...

I can hardley believe that I am sitting here and it's almost 2009 already! There's so much on my heart that I would like to blog about but what a crazy day is ahead of me! It's New Year's Eve, it's Autumn's forth birthday, and it's mine and Vern's anniversary. I have got to get moving....so tomorrow morning, when it's quiet and the rest of the world is sleeping off the festivities of tonight's celebration, I will come here and put the words that are on my heart into this blog.

Day Two, back on plan...

so, today was the second day of my re-committment to a healthy eating plan. Part of me is embarrassed to begin blogging about being back on plan yet again and yet the alternative is what?...to give up? So...here I am....back on plan AGAIN...and blogging about it.

I ended up going to my parents' house today to weigh myself. On one hand it was worse than I thought and yet on the other hand, on some level, I felt like it could have been a whole lot worse. It was very much a reckoning to step on that scale again. What is it about a number on a scale that can make me feel sick and shakey and ashamed all at once? As you can probaly see by what I am saying here....I don't have a very healthy relationship with the scale...LOL. That's why I don't own one...but I feel like I need the level of accountability that weighing myself provides for me. So I will face the damnable thing once a month. I will refuse to give in to the feelings of failure and unworthiness that it stirs in my heart and mind. It is a tool, an accessory, a gadget...I will NOT allow it to control my sense of self worth...I WON'T!!!...well maybe I will a tiny bit.

So anyway....I weighed myself. I am at 209 lbs. {{{sigh}}}

The good news is that I stayed on plan all day today. I have 2 days of healthy eating under my belt. I am going to eat healthy one day at a time until it becomes a lot of days, until it becomes a lifestyle....because I still don't want to be on a diet.

Another thing about it being Monday...

...is that it's also a great day for new starts. So, today is also my first day back on my eating plan, "Let's Do Lunch." Along with all of my other ramblings I m going to be journaling my progress with that here as well.

I need to go and buy a sale so that I can track my weight. I haven't had one for a long time because it's a fine line between obsessing and tracking for me.....but I feel I am ready to have one in the house. I wish I could just go someplace and weigh because I only plan to weigh once a month or so. Oh well...I'll just go buy one. I took $$$ out of savings to go to the grocery store so I might as well take some more and buy a scale too.

So, I have frozen veggies and fresh fruit...I have a huge pot of mixed beans soaking.......I have several roasted chicken breasts packaged up in the fridge...I am ready to do this!

One thing I don't have is canned pumpkin. What is up with the canned pumpkin? For weeks now every store I have gone to has been out of canned pumpkin! I NEED canned pumpkin!!! Maybe tomorrow I'll find that too.

So, today was day one. I stayed on plan. I have a dull headache to show for it.

It's Monday and I am beginning to feel "normal" again...

This past year, especially this past few weeks have been a really tough time for me. Honestly, the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas have all sort of melded together in my mind into one big emotional rollercoaster. I couldn't tell you exactly which week it was but during one of the weeks, shortly after Thanksgiving, my daughter in law announced she was ending her marriage to my son. I can not even begin to describe the emotional devastation this news has brought for me. Not only is it incredibly difficult to watch my son trying to survive having his entire world rocked with one simple statement, "I want out, I am done, I don't love you anymore." But, these are the parents of my beautiful, almost 4 year old granddaughter, Autumn. It tears at my heart strings like nothing ever has before to watch her struggle to cope with the turmoil and uncertainty that the actions of her parents have introduced into her young life.

So, that, coupled with the fact that the holiday season is our busiest season of the entire year at work...and...well...it's all just been a really weird time of trying to hold on...trying to keep from being swallowed up by the emotions and all the chaos of the season....wanting to trust in God's sovereignty and believe that ALL THINGS must be filtered through His loving hand before they come in to our lives and yet finding it so contrary to what I want for my son and my granddaughter...and yes, even for my daughter in law.

But today...today I almost feel like I can breathe again. My emotions are settling down. I have had some time to get some sleep and some time off after the craziness of the pace at work and I can feel my heart beginning to say, "Not my will, but Yours be done, Lord" If all of this has come in to my son's life to draw him back to you then I will not only accept it but I will choose to rejoice in your love and grace and mercy. I will choose to believe that you love my son, Chris, and my beautiful, precious Autumn, infinitely more than I do and that You can be trusted to cause all things to work together for good in their lives.

None of this is easy to watch...but today I choose to trust God and to rejoice and be thankful in all things.....

It's finally the day after Christmas...

It's finally here....the day after Christmas. A couple of weeks ago, when I was feeling very much overwhelmed by the Christmas rush and all that's been happening in my world, I woke up one morning and said...."I wish it was the day after Christmas.".....and now it is.

I am sitting here in my pajamas, sipping a cup of hot coffee, and thinking about a lot of things. So much of life has been out of control....and I'm learning to be ok with that. Life is out of my control...no matter how much I try and control things, the truth is that many, many things are just beyond my control. I am learning to trust God in the difficult circumstances...imagine that...actually putting my faith to work!...LOL.

So...I'm glad the Christmas rush is over with. I am going to enjoy this cup of coffee that I am sipping on and I am going to trust that God knows what He is doing and that He is causing all things to work together for good. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to blog about the things that are trying to weigh so heavily on my heart but not today. Today I am simply going to trust in the Lord with all of my heart and lean not to my own understanding. Today I am choosing to believe that even when life feels completely out of control, it's never out of His control....

And so this is Christmas.....

....And the angel said to them, Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest,and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!
Luke 2:11-14

Merry Christmas

It's Christmas Eve...

So, it's Christmas Eve morning. I am sitting in front of my computer in the early morning quiet, on the first day of my vacation, drinking a cup of coffee, watching one of my favorite cats sleeping in the chair next to me, and savouring the peace and quiet before I run out to catch up on all the last minute stuff I need to get done.

This morning as I reflect on everything that is happening around me, I am so grateful for the gift of Christmas....not the commercial, overdone, crazy, chaotic thing that tries so hard to replace the true miracle of Christmas in my thoughts and emotions...but the reality that on that night so many years ago God sent a Savior, the Messiah, to be born in the humblest circumstances, to live among us, and to make it possible for me to be reconciled to God through the shedding of His sinless blood. That is the truth I try so hard to keep focused on and keep my hope in during this holiday season.

Here I am again

Today I decided to dig my blog out of the closet and begin posting again. Today I also do not have time to post...how ironic is that? But, I wanted to at least come here, dig out my blog and post SOMETHING. I will be back to post more later but today I need to get to work early and face the crazy, chaotic thing that work has become...the Christmas Rush!

I'm not on a diet...

So...last night after work Vern and I went out for dinner. We went to one of those "Chinese" buffet places that also has a full selection of American choices. I made good choices. I had a put together a nice spinach salad from the salad bar. I picked some nice meats and some buttered mushrooms. I didn't stuff myself as I have been known to do at those places. I am pretty pleased with how it all went.

After the buffet Vern wanted to go to Dairy Queen and have a banana split. He ordered the banana split and two spoons. I had a few bites. It's ok because
I AM NOT ON A DIET!

The significance of my not being on a diet is this....because I am not on a diet, having a few bites of a banana split on Friday night with my husband does not have to trigger an all out binge! Oh how simple that sounds when I say it! The actual walking out of that fact was a little bit more difficult than it looks when I type it here. The evil little woman who lives in my brain and whispers her lies in my ear tried to tell me it needed to be a binge. She whispered, "Now you've blown it, you might as well eat this and this and this..." But, I didn't "blow it" because I am not on a diet...so it's impossible for me to "blow it." It took some effort for me to ignore the voice that's been whispering her lies to me for my whole life. But I did it. I had a few bites of a banana split and I was done.....because I AM NOT ON A DIET!

Living Low Carb Again...

Once again it's been a while since I've posted here. In the weeks since I posted last I have come to the decision to return to the low carb lifestyle. I have struggled over the past 8 or 9 months with binge eating, with never wanting to be on a diet again and with exactly how one lives a life in harmony with food without being on a diet. The fact that I never want to be on a diet again has not changed. I am DONE with dieting. I have dieted or binged for my entire life....well since I was 11 or 12 years old anyway....and I am done with that.

The struggle in my mind has been the idea that low carb living is a diet. That idea has kept me spinning out of control for the past few months. One morning a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting here at this computer and I just simply thought to myself, "Today is the day." I was drinking a cup of coffee with heavy cream in it. I realized that I could just start now, this minute, choosing low carb foods again. Suddenly I realized that the only thing that could turn my low carb lifestyle into a diet was my mentality. It doesn't have to be a diet. It can be a lifestyle. Those words look so simple as I type them here, but that morning it was a profound realization for me. At that moment something clicked in my thinking and I began my low carb lifestyle once again.

I can't remember exactly what day I started. I don't remember the date but I remember the moment. That day I went to the store and I stocked my kitchen with healthy low carb foods again. Since that day I have eaten in a healthy, controlled manner. I have not binged...not one time. I weighed and measured myself simply to get a baseline but I won't be weighing and measuring on a regular basis. My weight and my measurements are not going to be deciding factor on whether or not I am "successful." I am not on a diet, my goal is not to lose weight or to be a certain size. My goal is to live in harmony with food. I feel like I am making progress with that.

so...I am living a low carb lifestyle again. Every day, sometimes many times in a day, I have to remind myself that I am not on a diet. It would be pretty easy for me to slip back into my old habits and turn this into a diet. I could obsess over every carb, every calorie, every fat gram. I could log every tidbit that I eat into "Fitday." The temptation is there to do just that. But I am not on a diet. I am not on a weightloss program. I am simply living a low carb lifestyle.

The Sisterhood

Here I am starting yet another post with the words, I've been thinking..."

But, the truth is, I HAVE been thinking. I find myself thinking often about the Kimkins diet scam and the reasons I fell for it. AmyB had a really good blog post this morning, titled What If. It's a good post, easy read and worth the minute or so that it takes to read it. In it Amy brings up the subject of what if Heidi had used her own photo on the Woman's World magazine cover? What if Heidi Diaz had promoted her diet scam using photos of her morbidly obese self? Would I have joined her scam diet site if she had presented herself for who she really was and most likely still is?

There is a Kimkins member who has recently begun posting at LCF on the "Fascination with Kimmer" threads. She apparently feels that she got exactly what she paid for, a diet plan and message board support. She has brought up the fact that the medical community can't even seem to agree on what constitutes a healthy diet. While I agree with her right to feel that way for herself, I completely and adamantly disagree with her reasoning on the subject.

You see, here's the thing...or here's the way I see it actually. The fact that the medical community can't agree on what constitutes a healthy weight loss plan was part of the reason I fell for the Kimkins diet scam. The medical community is slowly, haltingly catching on to the idea of a low carb lifestyle being a good plan for weight control and for overall good health. But, for many years we were told some really negative things about the Atkins Diet. There are still doctors who are opposed to the Atkins Diet plan. So, when I saw a woman who had supposedly lost 118 pounds in less than a year and kept it off for 6 years it piqued my interest. I already knew that I couldn't totally trust the "experts" who would tell me that the answer to my weight problem was carbs, carbs, and more carbs..while eliminating evil fats from my diet. But here was a woman who had fought this battle of the bulge and supposedly won and was continuing to walk in victory and health.

I suppose I was naive, in fact I'm sure I was. But, the fact that Heidi Diaz was a woman...a woman who battled a weight problem gave her a certain credibility with me. I would have been more suspisious of a man touting a weight control program, or a big corporation, or a weight loss clinic. But this was a woman, a woman like me, a member of a message board support group, a woman who had finally won the battle that so many of us fight. Call me niave, maybe it's stupid, but I believe in the sisterhood that exists between women. I still believe in it. I have found it to be true with some amazing women that I have met on different forums. Heidi Diaz violated that sisterhood. Being a morbidly overweight woman herself, she has an inside track to the thought processes that many of us have.....and she used that to lie, scam and take advantage of so many of her fellow women. I know there were a few men on the site but by and large, it is women who have fallen for her lies. And I believe that for many of us it was the "sisterhood" between women that gave her a certain amount of credibility.

So, in answer to AmyB's query, "What If," the answer is no. I would not have tried the Kimkins diet if I had known that Heidi Diaz was a morbidly obese woman who had ruined her own health and metabolism with her crazy dieting methods over the years.

I got this in a email from one of my "sisters" on another forum. I think it's appropriate to include it here. This the sisterhood that Heidi Diaz violated. And for the record, I still believe in this sisterhood. Heidi Diaz can't destroy my belief in my fellow women....

Sisters
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,
drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As
they talked about life, about marriage, about the
responsibilities of life and the obligations of
adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her
glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance
upon her daughter.
'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling
the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll
be more important as you get older. No matter how
much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'
'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...
your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other
women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'
What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman
thought. Haven't I just gotten married?
Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a
married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact
with her Sisters and made more women friends each
year. As the years tumbled by, one after another,
she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and naturework their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.
After more than 50 years of living in this world,
here is what I've learned:
THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how
many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,
praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on
your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the
valley's end.
Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk
beside you...Or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,
daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,
Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called life , we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we need each other.
Every day, we need each other still.

I'm so glad it isn't based on me...

I've been thinking about this over the past day or so. It seems like alot of my posts begin with, "I've been thinking.." Anyway, this has been rolling around in my head so I'm going to put it here. That's the great thing about having a blog...you get to write about whatever is rolling around in your head!

As I have begun to blog about my issues with food and dieting and how I feel that my relationship with Christ, or my Christianity, is a key factor in overcoming these issues, I have gotten some comments...anonymous of course...attacking me and my Christianity. In light of that I just want to say this...


You are right....I suck at times. There are days when I am in an ugly mood. There are times when I am defensive and my words are harsh. There are times when I stuff food in my mouth to fulfill some vague longing, knowing that it really isn't going to fulfill anything. There are times when I am critical and nag at my poor hubby. There are days when I don't want to read my bible or pray or even acknowledge God as my creator. In short, I am human. I am no better and no worse than anyone else on the face of this planet.

But you see, the thing is, my salvation isn't based on anything I can or can't do. It's based on the fact the Jesus Christ took upon Himself every sin that I (or anyone else for that matter) have ever committed and every sin that I ever will commit in the future and he took the punihment that was and is due me. He paid the price for my sins. My salvation is all based on what Jesus has already done...not on anything I could ever do. If I was able to live my life perfectly and never sin, never break the rules, never be harsh, never be pissy....well, frankly, I wouldn't need a savior., But I can't...some days I just plain fail at being a nice human being. That's the reason I am so glad that none of it is based on anything I am able to do...it's based simply on me saying "yes" to Christ's free gift of salvation.

This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.
John 3:16-18 (The Message)

I said I needed accountability, didn't I?....

So, I said one of the things I liked about blogging is that it provides a certain accountability. With that in mind I need to admit that I binged last night. I didn't eat everything in the kitchen as I sometimes do, but I did eat four slices of pizza. I most definitely didn't need four slices of pizza. I was almost satisfied with one piece, which is really when I should have stopped. I could even justify two pieces...but I ate four.

I'm sure there are many issues involved with binging that I am not even fully aware of yet but one thing I know for sure triggered this one is that I wasn't prepared at work yesterday. I found myself hungry in the afternoon at work with nothing to snack on. By the time I got home I was really hungry. So rather than fixing a healthy dinner I gave in to the easy appeal of just ordering a pizza. Once the pizza arrived...well, we know what happened.

So...today I am refusing to let that binge define how I feel about myself. The binging has nothing to do with my worth as a person. I'm still a child of God and very much loved by Him. In fact, I am the apple of His eye, whether I binge or not. I am still a loving wife, mother, daughter, sister and grandmother, whether I binge or not. I am still a faithful and loyal friend, whether I binge or not. I am a trustworthy and loyal employee, whether I binge or not.

My worth a a person will no longer be dictated to my heart by my eating habits, my dress size, the number on a scale or anything else having to do with my food issues.

The binge was yesterday. Today is a new day and I will move forward in my journey. Today I will choose to rejoice in all that the Lord has done and is doing in me and for me and I will trust that He is going to lead me to success in this area of my life!

This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

O LORD, save us;
O LORD, grant us success.

Psalm 118:24-25

Dieting is not the answer...

One of the things that I really like about blogging this journey is that I get feedback and input from others who are or have also struggled with these same issues. One person who commented yesterday was Bamagal. Her comment contained the following:

Another reason for binge on my part was after I had restricted food or come
off some idiotic diet. Then the binge was my body crying out for nutrients I had
been depriving it of.

Thanks so much for your input, Bama. I have certainly found this to be true in my own life as well. After doing the Kimkins diet for just a short time last summer my binging has been far worse than it has been in a very long time. That realization over the past few months has brought me to the conclusion that dieting is a big part of the problem for me.

Up until recently I had always thought of my Binge/Diet cycle this way; I thought of the binge part of the cycle as being the unhealthy, dysfunctional behavior and the diet part of the cycle as being the healthier, more controlled behavior. It has finally dawned on me that BOTH parts of this destructive cycle are unhealthy and displeasing to my Lord. This is just a huge thing for me to realize!

Dieting is not part of the answer....it's part of the problem. I cannot look at this crazy, self-destructive cycle and think that any part of the cycle is good and healthy and right. The ENTIRE cycle is destructive.

Again, that brings me back to the following scripture. This scripture has been quietly speaking to me, gently nudging me away from this destructive cycle for a long time now. It's finally beginning to really make sense to me. It's a passage that I will probably quote here often because it is speaking so directly to my heart right now..

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why,
as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not
handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish
with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such
regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed
worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they
lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
Colossians 2:20-23

Once again my heart is filled with the certainty the the world does not hold the answer to healing my broken relationship with food and I am encouraged that one day soon I will walk free of this struggle. I am certain that through he power of the Holy Spirit I will be made whole and healthy.

So...an update from yesterday. I weighed myself at Curves. My weight is up to 199.8. As much as it hurt to realize that my weight is that high again, I had to smile when I saw the number. I had silently prayed, "Please Lord, just let me be under 200 pounds"

Foodwise, yesterday was a better day than I have had lately. I did not binge. In terms of what's been going on with my eating recently....not binging is definitely progress!

It's Monday....

It's Monday, a new day, the beginning of a new week. One thing I am thankful for is that God is a God of new beginnings . I've been awake for a couple of hours. I've been thinking about my struggles with food, with binging and dieting. One of my reasons for deciding to journal about this here on my blog is that it provides a level of accountability for me. So with that in mind I must confess....I have been binging. It sounds so crazy when I type it here but for my whole life it's been one or the other. I am either dieting very strictly and methodically or I am binging with little or no self restraint. Lately I have been binging.

I just looked up the word "binge" in my Webster's Dictionary to make sure I was spelling "binging" correctly and I found this definition:

Binge: a period of unrestrained indulgence

Wow! That hit home. That's what I have been doing. I have been having a period of unrestrained indulgence. I even just used the phrase "little or no restraint" two sentences before I looked up the word. Actually, I used the phrase "self restraint." Maybe that's part of the problem. I think it's not so much a matter of "self restraint" as it is a matter of yeilding to the Holy Spirit. According to scripture, self control is a fruit of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against
such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the
sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us
keep in step with the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-25

So, my goal this morning is to get in step with the Spirit, to crucify my sinful nature with its passions and desires...including the desire to indulge my flesh with food. I know that with the help of the Holy Spirit, I can learn to live somewhere in the healthy area that lies someplace between binging and dieting. I can learn to eat a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables, meats, nuts, grains...all of the wonderful bounty that God has blessed us with...without being on a strict diet. I can learn that not being on a diet doesn't have to mean "a period of unrestrained undulgence." I can, once again, on this Monday, the first day of a new week, purpose to get in step with the Spirit, repent of my behaviors that are displeasing to God and receive forgiveness, cleansing, and a new start. I am ever so thankful that His tender mercy is new every day

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him

Lamentations 3:21-25

I'm still thinking....

So, the last time I posted my thoughts on my struggles with my relationship with food, before we took a couple of "anonymous" side trips down rabbit trails, I said the following:

It's like the Lord is saying to me, "why have you been turning to this diet plan or that diet plan, this diet guru or that diet guru, to heal your broken relationship with food? Don't you know that I am the Lord who loves you and heals you and will make you whole? The answer is not in yet another plan or book. Come to me, let me heal your brokeness. Look who you have chosen to trust and realize that the answer to your brokeness is not in anything that the world might offer you. Come to Me and allow Me to satisfy your soul and fill that empty place that you have been trying to fill with food for your entire life."

I love those words that I feel like the Spirit of the Lord is speaking to my heart. I truly believe that, for me, at this point in my life, a "diet" is not the answer to my struggles. I believe with all my heart that my Lord can heal my brokeness. The struggle then is, what does that look like? How do I walk out this thing of making Jesus Christ, whom I embrace as Lord of my life, the Lord over my relationship with food? Ahhh yes, therein lies the struggle!

Colossians 2:20-23
Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Those words that I quoted above are being spoken to me in a "still small voice." They are a quiet tug at my inner self that is ever so gently, pulling me away from what I have always understood to be reality and directing me into new truth. The pull of dieting, binging, doing what I have always done, on the other hand, is anything but quiet and gentle. The pull of the familiar, disordered relationship to food and dieting is a constant roar in ears of my heart and mind. It makes it difficult to hear that "still small voice" of the Spirit sometimes. It causes me to have to be purposeful in trying to listen to the voice of the Spirit.

The place I am at with all of this right now is in the beginning stages of this new thing that the Lord is speaking to my heart. I feel much like the children of Israel must have felt when Moses led them out of Egypt and into the desert to set out for the promised land. When Moses went up on the mountain to talk with God and left the people below, they got nervous. In their nervousness they decided that they needed a "god" that they could see and touch. They fashioned for themselves a golden calf, an idol that they could see and touch...a god that was tangible to them. I think I understand how they felt. Dieting is tangible to me. There are rules, there are tangible things about dieting...food lists, journaling, tracking my food intake.

I feel I need to pause here and clarify I don't believe that the past few years that I have spent learning about healthier ways of eating have been a waste. I don't believe the the Lord wastes any of my experiences. I think that the things I have learned about controlling carbs, eating fresh, natural foods, etc., were all part of my journey of learning to be whole and healthy. It just can no longer be a "diet" in my mind. The "diet" has become to me a false god, my very own brazen calf so to speak. And, this "god" has been lying to me for many, many years. It has promised me a life of control and a slim, healthy body. I have been believing this lie ever since childhood. I am now 50 years old. I do not have a slim, healthy body. I do not have control over my binging and dieting. In fact, when I am completely honest with myself I have to admit I am in captivity to this false god's ways. It is time for me to break out of that captivity. There is a promised land in my future, and I know that my Lord is capable of leading me there. It's just a little bit scary setting out for it....there's a desert on the way to my promised land.

Breathe Vickie, you know the Lord, you hear His voice, His grace is sufficient for you, it's all gonna be ok. One foot in front of the other...that's how you begin a journey...

Comment Moderation...it's a wonderful thing!

Comment moderation....anonymous comments...that's what is on my mind this morning. The last couple of days have seen a whirlwind of comments to my blog. I have chosen to moderate comments so not all of them have been published. There's a reason I chose to moderate comments. The types of comments that I chose to reject will not ever be published here. So, I just wanted to clarify my stance on comments.

I welcome discussion with those who have differing opinions and viewpoints than I. I don't,however, welcome comments that are just mean spirited, vulgar, or contain profanity. If you are not capable of having an intelligent, adult, civil discourse then please just don't bother to spew your venom here. It won't be published and most likely won't even be read completely.

My blog is not a forum for you to attack AmyB, Christin, Deni, Becky or any of the "Ducks." You are entitled to your hateful opinions...they just will not be published here.

As I said in an earlier post, I don't like anonymous comments. I understand that not everyone wants to register and get a screen name for blogger so I will continue to consider anonymous comments but I do really appreciate when the commenter gives me a name to call them. If you are going to comment and you want to have a discussion then please provide me with something to call you in my reply...make up a name that you'd like to be called, use your screen name from the forums...SOMETHING...just don't make me keep referring to you as anonymous. In my real life I would not have a discussion with someone who refuses to give me a name to call them and I'm not going to do it here.

This is my blog, there's no democracy here, there's no "free speach"...I decide what gets published here! Comment moderation...it's a wonderful thing!

My Response to "Anonymous"

As you can see, I didn't make it back here last night to respond to this post. My hubby had practice for a gig this weekend so I had the house to myself. After dinner I curled up on the couch with one of my cats, Cloe, and ended up falling asleep. So...here I am at 4:30am. Not only did I fall asleep very early last night, but Cloe the cat felt that 4:00am was a great hour to feed the cats. She has taken it upon herself to not only make sure I get enough snuggly cat time, but to insure that I never forget to feed her and Agnes in the mornings....that used to be Misha's job. I still miss my Mish very much. See Anonymous...(I can't help but think of "The Cat in the Hat" here and "Thing 1" and "Thing 2"...there are so many anonymous commenters I can't keep them straight and they all "look" a little bit alike, like "Things 1&2.") Anyway...see Anonymous...I do have a life. I have a husband who plays bass in a couple of bands as well as on the church worship team. I have 2 cats who graciously allow me to live in their home. I have a job that I have had for 12 years that gets in the way sometimes when I would rather be on the computer doing this stuff. I have the most beautiful little 3 year old girl in the world who looks at me with those big blue eyes and calls me "Grandma Honey." Oh...I HAVE a life alright! OK...I'm not sure why all that info was necessary but I typed it and the name of this blog is Vickie's Voice so it's staying...LOL Oh...and by the way. The "anonymous" that I spoke to in this last paragraph is not the same "Anonymous" that I am going to reply to now....pretty confusing stuff, huh?

Ok..so now, on to my reply to this "Anonymous".....

Anonymous said...

Hi Vickie,
There is a reason why I posted that anonymously.

I could have and probably should have just said nothing, or merely posted Read Mathew 6:14-15

6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

However I truly liked the longer version with the verbatim explanation better. I use that site often as a reference point because it puts biblical reference into terms even a child could undertstand.

I understand that you felt that the words you posted said what you wanted to say better than you could. But, you didn't preface it with any words of your own. You didn't say, "Here's a quote that says it better than I ever could. You simply posted it as your own words.

I too have been in your shoes, I recognized the struggle!

I have passionately discussed this matter with my pastor, & my prayer group. I had to let it go as it was eating me up inside. I did not like what I was becoming, which was turning into a bitter person consumed with these issues that where carrying over into everyday life!

I was quite pleased that you understood exactly the message I was attempting to anonymously relay to you & actually relieved with your beautiful response because I was so nervous posting to you since you were my first post ever anywhere on this subject, I just really wanted to reach out to you & let you know that you are not alone.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here in choosing to believe that you were trying to "reach out to me" with your comment. but, I have to tell you, your comment didn't feel kind and caring, it didn't feel like a gesture of friendship. It felt like you were judging and "correcting me." Again, there was no personal note form you saying, I have walked the walk you're walking now and I understand. There was simply a quote lifted from another site that smacked of "you need to forgive and move on."

I had much more that I wanted to say today, until I saw your cohorts started
up with the usual attack mode & mud slinging over @ LCF, & then now you
have posted shaming me about plagiarism. That was never my intent, It wasn't
ever about where I got the the wording from, I never even thought twice about it
& for that I apologize. It was about relaying the message I was attempting
to get across as simply as possible.

Ok...this is where you begin to lose me. First of all, your snippy little comment about "my cohorts" over at LCF makes it quite clear that you are not all about forgiveness and grace. You apparently, judging by your critical, judgemental tone about "my cohorts," are having a bit more of a struggle walking in the forgiveness you preach with the ducks than you do with Heidi Diaz. If you truly believe what you posted in the comments on my blog then you have to extend that same forgiveness to everyoone you disagree with, including "my cohorts"...the ducks.

I do regret having posted now as I am not a confrontational person &
that is why I choose to remain anonymous. Not using anonymity could be quite
dangerous in duck territory, & not everyone wishes to have their identity
plastered all over the net thus putting their reputations, family, job, &
church at risk. Not everyone that post anonymously is FOE. However anyone that
post anything is open for attack regardless if they are anonymous or not.

Maybe that reason alone is why so many others remain silent.

You know, there are times when the ducks do things that I don't completely agree with. And there are times when things swing a little too far in one direction or another. That is going to happen anytime you get a group of people together to try and accomplish anything. But, I have been interacting with the ducks on one level or another since last summer and I have found that the underlying motivation for all of it is to help people. You obviously have been reading the posts at LCF and reading the blogs. You can choose to stay offended at some of the methods or you can choose to look at the fruit of the efforts of these women. I see over and over again, people who are learning about the dangers of VLC diets and choosing to stop doing the Kimkins plan and learn a healthier way of eating. I see women who are realizing just how disordered it is to fiollow a plan like Kimkins and are taking steps to correct their relationship to food and dieting. Do I agree with everything the ducks do and say? Of course not. I don't agree with everything anybody does or says. There are always things we would do different if we were in charge of the world. But, I have chosen to look at the fruit of these efforts and to credit the ducks with good intentions. They are an amazing group of women from different backgrounds and with different personalities and communication styles but they have banded together to righ a wrong and I applaud their efforts.

Even many of the personal snide remarks about Heidi that are just mean,
pointless & anti-productive, for example the sugar cookies, & captain
morgan. Those cookies could have been her sons cookies, just because they were
on the seat of the vehicle doesn't make her guilty even though I think we could
all safely presume that they were, & just because someone mentions they like
or have drank rum doesn't make them an alcoholic. To paint even someone we don't
like as blithering drunken idiot munching on sugar cookies is unjustified, &
unfounded.

One thing that I have learned in my life is that people, no matter who
they are or how noble their cause, use humor and jokes to lighten to mood,
entertain themselves, or just to cope with the task at hand. Again and
again I read comments like yours bemoaning the fact that people are making
fun of Heidi Diaz. Honestly, I am really weary of hearing, "poor Heidi, the ducks are personally attacking her." Oh please...she defrauded THOUSANDS of people! She made people feel like failures for eating too many "finger grabs" of salad! She knowingly and purposely gave people dangerous advice while living a lie. If a little crude humor helps people cope with having been harmed by Heidi Diaz I say so be it. As I said, people in every walk of life do this very same thing to cope. Many years ago I was a nurse. I worked on the oncology floor of a hospital. Lay people would have been appalled at the things we laughed about in the employee lounge. More recently, I used to lead worship at a church. Than meant that I was involved in the leadership meetings at the church. Again, I'm sure people would have been shocked at some of the humor and things that were said. Every group of people who are working together uses humor at some point...and not everyone would be comfortable hearing it. It happens.

That is only one example of many out there that I have found
distasteful, & why I have not joined this crusade as I do not care to
surround myself with this sort of vindictiveness. I am only human, & I
fear
that the vicious nature of all this would consume me again, & do
not want to
become that type of person, so I must choose to leave judgments
up to the court
of law here on earth, & up to the higher court of God
above, & I truly
trust with all my faith that justice will be served
without any nastiness input
on my behalf.

I'm sure that there are many things said that one person or another may find distasteful. I find it highly distasteful that Heidi Diaz is still operating a website that encourages people to follow a very dangerous diet plan. Are you aware that there are women dealing with some very serious helth effects from following this diet? I'm not talking about a little hair loss. I'm talking about very serious medical conditions brought about from following the Kimkins diet. I find THAT to be very distatseful.

You say that you choose to leave judgements up to the courts. Have you thought about the fact that this case wouldn't even be headed for the court system if not for the dedication and work done by the ducks you so vehemently oppose?

You say you don't want to surround yourself with all of this negativity but you are obviously reading the fascination thread and reading the blogs...so you are surrounding yourself with it. It just appears that you haven't chosen which side you want to align yourself with.

I won't bother you or anyone again, call it a lesson learned, & again I apologize. No need to reply as I will not be back again to look for any more negativity. I think this was a sign for me to finally close this chapter in my life & move on. I have officially turned my burdens over to the one that is much more capable of handling them than I. So something good did come out of this, even if it only worked for my own peace of mind.

You take care Ms. Vickie, I know you will find the resolve & peace that you seek, it's there. Some things just take time, & you have to work thru them yourself & with your faith.

You will be in my prayers, as will everyone else!

Have A Blessed Day!
April 30, 2008 10:55 AM
:)

It was no bother at all to have you visit and comment. If visiting and commenting on my blog somehow helped you to move on and put this all behind you then I am happy to have been a small part in helping you with that. Some of us however, aren't ready to move on and close this chapter of our lives while Heidi Diaz is still operating a website that encourages people to put their health and even their very lives at risk. Thank you for your prayers and I hope your day is blessed as well.

Anonymous speaks

This comment was left this morning by "Anonymous" I have much to say in response and none of it is "vindictive," "nasty," "mean" or "negative." However, I am at work so it will have to wait until tonight when I get home. In the meantime here is the comment that was left this morning.

Anonymous said...
Hi Vickie,
There is a reason why I posted that anonymously.

I could have and probably should have just said nothing, or merely posted Read Mathew 6:14-15

6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

However I truly liked the longer version with the verbatim explanation better. I use that site often as a reference point because it puts biblical reference into terms even a child could understand.

I too have been in your shoes, I recognized the struggle!

I have passionately discussed this matter with my pastor, & my prayer group. I had to let it go as it was eating me up inside. I did not like what I was becoming, which was turning into a bitter person consumed with these issues that where carrying over into everyday life!

I was quite pleased that you understood exactly the message I was attempting to anonymously relay to you & actually relieved with your beautiful response because I was so nervous posting to you since you were my first post ever anywhere on this subject, I just really wanted to reach out to you & let you know that you are not alone.

I had much more that I wanted to say today, until I saw your cohorts started up with the usual attack mode & mud slinging over @ LCF, & then now you have posted shaming me about plagiarism. That was never my intent, It wasn't ever about where I got the the wording from, I never even thought twice about it & for that I apologize. It was about relaying the message I was attempting to get across as simply as possible.

I do regret having posted now as I am not a confrontational person & that is why I choose to remain anonymous. Not using anonymity could be quite dangerous in duck territory, & not everyone wishes to have their identity plastered all over the net thus putting their reputations, family, job, & church at risk. Not everyone that post anonymously is FOE. However anyone that post anything is open for attack regardless if they are anonymous or not.

Maybe that reason alone is why so many others remain silent.

Even many of the personal snide remarks about Heidi that are just mean, pointless & anti-productive, for example the sugar cookies, & captain morgan. Those cookies could have been her sons cookies, just because they were on the seat of the vehicle doesn't make her guilty even though I think we could all safely presume that they were, & just because someone mentions they like or have drank rum doesn't make them an alcoholic. To paint even someone we don't like as blithering drunken idiot munching on sugar cookies is unjustified, & unfounded.

That is only one example of many out there that I have found distasteful, & why I have not joined this crusade as I do not care to surround myself with this sort of vindictiveness. I am only human, & I fear that the vicious nature of all this would consume me again, & do not want to become that type of person, so I must choose to leave judgments up to the court of law here on earth, & up to the higher court of God above, & I truly trust with all my faith that justice will be served without any nastiness input on my behalf.

I won't bother you or anyone again, call it a lesson learned, & again I apologize. No need to reply as I will not be back again to look for any more negativity. I think this was a sign for me to finally close this chapter in my life & move on. I have officially turned my burdens over to the one that is much more capable of handling them than I. So something good did come out of this, even if it only worked for my own peace of mind.

You take care Ms. Vickie, I know you will find the resolve & peace that you seek, it's there. Some things just take time, & you have to work thru them yourself & with your faith.

You will be in my prayers, as will everyone else!

Have A Blessed Day!
:)

April 30, 2008 10:55 AM

Shame on you Anonymous!

It's been pointed out to me by a couple of very intelligent, computer savvy ducks that the earlier comment from Anonymous was lifted, copied and pasted actually, from another website. The original can be found HERE

It all makes sense now why "anonymous" would choose to post that anonymously. All I have to say about that is SHAME ON YOU ANONYMOUS! You are a hypocrite. I'm sure if you go back to that bible study site you plagerized your comment from you will be able to find also what the bible has to say about hypocracy, lying, and stealing.

So, in the famous words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

Anonymous.....

I received the following comment to my blog post yesterday. I wanted to address it here rather than in the comments section of my blog:

Anonymous said...
Matthew 6:14-15

Jesus compares our sins to debts. We have violated our obligation of being obedient to God, and this exposes us to the penalty that results from that violation. To teach us the lesson of forgiveness, God bases how He forgives us by the forgiveness we extend to others!

Those who come before Him unwilling to forgive others cannot expect God to show them the love and mercy they desire. God will not show them the mercy and love they will not extend to others! If we forgive others when they injure us, our Father will forgive us.

How are we to conduct ourselves in forgiving others? We must forgive, even if the offender does not ask to be forgiven. We should treat the one who has injured or offended us with kindness, not harboring any grudge or speaking of that individual condemningly. We should always be ready to do him good if the opportunity arises. This is a tall order!

Why act this way when it goes so strongly against human nature? First, it produces peace. Second, it sets the example for the offending individual—and for everyone else—of what God considers right and proper.

Does forgiveness of a person fighting a recurring problem mean that we should place complete trust in him in the area of his problem? With many problems—poor money handling, gossip, lying, stealing, and sexual sins, to name a few—we need to see a track record of overcoming before considering him trustworthy, but we can still be understanding, forgiving, and encouraging.

April 29, 2008 11:05 PM

First, thank you anonymous for reading and commenting on my blog. I do dislike anonymous comments but I understand that there are some who feel more comfortable remaining anonymous. The thing with remaining anonymous is that you can throw your opinion out there and not be fully accountable or responsible for the things you say. I can see the attraction in that but, like I said, I don't like anonymous comments. So, that being said, allow me to address your comment.

I agree completely with what you said and for that matter, what the bible has to say, about forgiveness. You are absolutely right that if we refuse to forgive others we ourselves will not be forgiven.

I must admit I don't clearly understand your reason for pointing this out to me. I can only assume that you think I haven't forgiven Heidi Diaz. You couldn't be more wrong. I have forgiven her. I have and continue to pray that God would use this entire experience to draw her to Himself. I blogged about the need to forgive her early on in my blog. You can find that post HERE

Forgiving Heid Diaz does not mean, however, that I think she should be allowed to continue her dangerous, fradulent, illegal actions. I will continue to pray for her, hope that she will come to know the Lord, AND do everything I can do to help to put her out of business.

As for my words being harsh at times...you are right...I have days when my words are harsh. It's one of the areas in my life that I struggle with. Thank you for the reminder that I need to watch the tone of my words.

One of the things that comes with posting openly, with an identity, is that you can be called out and held accountable for the things you say...I accept that.

I've been thinking...

Back in May of 2007, when I paid my $44.95 to purchase a "lifetime" membership at Kimkins, I never dreamed that it would mark the beginning of a year in which I would be forced to realize that my relationship to food and dieting has been so completely unhealthy.

My "lifetime" membership at Kimkins lasted until the beginning of September. Four months....lifetime....Hmmmm. My story of my Kimkins experience is here in earlier posts so I won't go through it all again.I only bring that up to say that my four month, "lifetime" membership at Kimkins is changing my life....just not in the way I thought it would.

Knowing what I know now, would I join Kimkins again? Of course not! The Kimkins diet plan is a dangerous plan that leads to health problems and eating disorders for those who don't already have them and exacerbates disordered eating patterns in those who do already have them. I will celebrate the day that her site is taken off the web and she goes to jail for her actions. But, I am one who believes that God causes all things to work together for my good. (Romans 8:28) I believe that He is using my experience at Kimkins to teach me some things, and in the end He will cause me to be better and stronger for the experience.

One thing that falling for the Kimkins diet scam has caused me to do is to stop and think about dieting and emotional eating and, yes, even idolatry, and the role these things play in my life. I've had to face some very unpleasant truths about myself.

Before I go any further, I need to say, I am not writing this blog post to preach at anyone, or to try and sway anyone to my way of thinking. I am simply journaling my journey and how it plays out in my life. I am a born again Christian and that fact is simply a part, or at least it should be a part, of everything in my life. Unfotunately, until recently, my Christianity hasn't affected my relationship to food and dieting. That is changing. Change isn't easy...and it's often not very pretty either!

As with most things, there was a moment of revealation that caused me to stop in my tracks and see that my focus has been wrong. That moment came for me when the deposition photos of Heidi Diaz/Kimmer were released.

When I saw the above photo of Heidi with that smug look on her face and realized once and for all that this was the woman I had been taking advice from, well, it just made me sick to my stomach. I had no choice but to realize I had a pretty desperate relationship with food and dieting. To this day, every time I look at that photo, it not only makes me sick, but the following passage of scripture comes to my mind:

Isaiah 55:2,3a

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me;hear me, that your soul may live.

It's difficult for me to put into words what my heart feels when I see that photo and think of that passage of scripture. It's like the Lord is saying to me, "why have you been turning to this diet plan or that diet plan, this diet guru or that diet guru, to heal your broken relationship with food? Don't you know that I am the Lord who loves you and heals you and will make you whole? The answer is not in yet another plan or book. Come to me, let me heal your brokeness. Look who you have chosen to trust and realize that the answer to your brokeness is not in anything that the world might offer you. Come to Me and allow Me to satisfy your soul and fill that empty place that you have been trying to fill with food for your entire life."

There is no way I can put into one post the things that have been strring in my heart and mind over the past few months so this is the first of several posts about this journey I am embarking on.

I have to say that while the moment of truth finally sinking in came when I looked at the deposition photos, that moment would not have happened if I hadn't been reading the posts of a group of "ducks" at LowCarbFriends.com. It was the information provided on the "Fascination" threads there that primed my heart and mind to see the truth. Thank you ducks!

Well, I'm 50 now...

On Thursday April 24, 2008 I turned 50. I actually think it's pretty cool being 50. I just don't know how it happened so fast! I got my AARP packet in the mail a couple of weeks ago....that was a surreal experience.

So anyway....being 50.....it feels like one of those times in life when you pass through a doorway. It's a one way door. There's no going back, only forward. It's exciting and scary at the same time. That's how this feels. I don't know exactly what the next leg of this journey will hold for me. The last 50 years have been quite a ride! If that's any indication of what the next few years are going to be like I think I'll fasten my seatbelt and hold on! Or maybe just hold my arms up in the air and scream....instructions from Lil Miss Autumn on the proper way to ride a rollercoaster...."You just hold your arms up in the air and scream when it's a little bit scary Grandma"

Goodbye Misha

There's a reason that I haven't been updating my blog recently. My cat was sick. There was a week of caring for her, hoping she was going to get better. And a weekend of realizing that she wasn't and that I was going to have to take her in and put an end to her suffering. So on Monday, April 14, 2008, at 8:15am my beloved Misha was euthanized. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make and that final trip to the vet's office was most decidedly the most difficult task I have ever undertaken. I was with her when she died. I am comforted by the fact that it was quick, peaceful and painless. My heart is broken over the loss. I am sobbing as I type this. I know that one day soon I will have cried enough tears and the grieving will give way to the warm memories. But right now the pain is intense.

So, goodbye Misha...my Mish-Mosh...you are missed.

Harsh Words...

Yesterday I said something harsh in commenting on AmyB's blog. I responded to a commentor who called herself "simpleannie" in words that were not very kind. I flippantly typed "simpleannie….step away from the koolaid, slowly step away….." It was wrong of me to respond in such a patronizing, derogotory tone and I sincerely apologize to simpleannie, to AmyB, and to anyone else who read my comment.

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how wrong and how counterproductive it is for me to respond to anyone in that manner. Am I the only one who wakes up in the night thinking about this stuff? I doubt it.

So anyway....I woke up thinking about my harsh words and remembering what made me decide to leave Kimkins. When I made the decision to leave Kimkins it wasn't because of comments about "drinking the koolaid," being a cult member, being to stupid to see the truth or any of the many such things I saw being said about Kimkins members. Those types of statements only served to make me want to dig my heels in deeper. Those types of statements, in my mind, gave less credibility to those who were making them. What that finally opened my eyes to the truth about Kimkins, Kimmer/Heidi Diaz were the words of someone who was nice, who didn't gossip, didn't say derogotory things about others, and who seemed to always find something encouraging or positive to everyone. Much like AmyB this person was always nice to everyone. This person was Becky, aka Littlebit. When Becky left the site and we were lied to about it I began exchanging e-mails with her. The truth was revealed to me in those e-mails.

My point in sharing that story is first of all AmyB, keep doing what you're doing. There are people whom your words will reach who will choose to see the truth. Secondly, for anyone who is reading AmyB's blog and wondering why she is speaking against Heidi and Singinglass, or speaking out in a way that's not the norm for her, please consider the source. Rather than chastize her for speaking out in a way that you aren't familiar with, consider that she is stepping out of her comfort zone to speak out in order to right a wrong. I've seen more than one instance of people questioning AmyB, asking something to the effect of "Amy, you were always so nice, why are you speaking out against Heidi or Singinglass this way" (my paraphrase) Please stop and think. If AmyB's words are not the nice words you are used to hearing from her, it's not because she is no longer a nice person. It's because she is a nice person and she's seen the truth and the truth is important to her.

Like I said earlier, keep doing what you're doing AmyB. Keep picking those flowers! You're doing a great job.

Crazy Crash Diets

That's what I'm thinking about this morning. Crazy crash diets. So I wonder, which came first for me, the ED (specifically binge eating) or the years of crazy crash diets? Was I born with a predisposition to binging? Or is it a behavior I have developed as a result of abusing my body with diets for all of my adult life? I have a feeling that it's a bit of both.

Personally, I am done with Crazy Crash Diets! No more! I am going to learn to eat a healthy diet. I am going to learn to stop worshipping food and then trying avoid the effects of that worship by doing extreme diets. For me, at this point in my journey, the "Let's Do Lunch" plan is helping me with that. I am learning to eat from all the food groups while still avoiding flour and sugar. For others it is doing a healthy low carb plan, or a healthy calorie controlled plan. The point is, whatever plan a person chooses, it needs to be healthy.

I am somewhat troubled this morning. I belong to several weight loss forums and on each one I see those who are doing reasonable, healthy, life style changing plans. But then there are the others, people like me who tend to gravitate toward the exteme. I see those who are eating only meat and eggs, only meat and water, only egg whites....well, you get the idea. On each weight loss forum I see crazy crash diets being promoted. ...and followed. I see people who have made a name for themselves in the low carb community trying these extreme measures. It makes me sad. When someone has made a name for themself in the weight loss community people look up to that person. People try things they wouldn't normally try because "so and so" is doing it. That's how I discovered Kimkins. Because someone with a name in the low carb community was doing it so it must be ok.

I don't know what the answer is to all of this. I just know that for me...I've had enough of Crazy Crash dieting!

Why?

That's the question that has circled my brain for the past few months. Why? Not so much wondering why Heidi Diaz did what she did. But why did I fall for her scam?





It was late one night in May 2007. I was home alone and once again was feeling low and berating myself for yet another binge. I was cruising the internet and I followed a link from somewhere. I don't even remember where now but I do remember that it something that involved Jimmy Moore. I stumbled across these photos

Looking back, I can't believe I believed those photos! Now in my defense, I knew it was probably airbrushed and photoshopped to look that good, just like the photos in a magazine. I'd seen those ads by "Dove" that show the attractive but average looking woman transformed into a beauty queen by airbrushing and photoshopping. I knew that the photo would have had to be altered to make Heidi Diaz look that good, but I did believe it was her. How absurd!

The crazy thing about all of that is that I had seen Heidi Diaz's posts on "Low Carb Friends." I had seen her posts, read about the Kimkins diet and always knew it was too extreme. I had always just dismissed it as being too severe, something I would never be able to do. But that night, with those images looking back at me from my computer screen, something happened in my brain. Looking at those photos, I felt hope. (Wow, typing those words, even now, makes me cry. ) So anyway, I clicked on the link to Kimkins and began to read the success stories. I spent a long time that night reading success stories. I didn't join that night. I thought about it that night and joined the next day.

Looking back...I've been looking back alot lately......I didn't tell my family and friends the truth about what I was doing. I told them I was eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables." Even in my own mind I said that....but somewhere deep inside I knew I was lying to myself. The weight started to come off rapidly, just as promised. The forums at Kimkins were friendly and upbeat. I didn't know at the time that the forums were being carefully moderated to keep the appearance that way. For the first time in my life I was in control of my eating. I was losing weight like never before, I wasn't hungry. I discovered the "eggwhite challenge." I started having eggwhites for breakfast and lunch. I continued to lie about what I was eating. I made sure that no one knew I was eating eggwhites for two meals a day. My friends and family only saw me eating "lean meats and low glycemic vegetables."

I logged every bite I ate into "Fitday." I kept my calories at around 600 a day and felt guilty about not being able to get them down lower than that. I was dizzy and my thinking was foggy. I couldn't sleep at night and my muscles ached terribly even though I was taking a plethora of supplements. I remember one day I was delivering meals for "Meals on Wheels," and I turned right into the path of an oncoming car. I have never told anyone about that day. Thankfully the other driver was alert and avoided hitting me. But, there was a moment when I knew. I knew that incident happened because my thinking was foggy and I knew it was because of the diet. But I pushed that knowledge far back into my mind and continued on.

I stayed on the Kimkins diet for about 3 months. I lost 27 pounds. Not a huge amount but at 49 years old, with surgically induced menopause, it was a huge amount to me.

Hmmm...I said this post was going to be about Why? But it looks like it has turned in to a confession of sorts. I guess it was time for me to be completely honest about my time on Kimkins and my thought process at the time. It's time for me to admit to myself and everyone else that I lied about my time on Kimkins and how I felt while I was doing the Kimkins diet plan. Even in my earlier blog posts about Kimkins I said I felt good while I was doing Kimkins. That is just not true. I did not feel good and it's time to set the record straight. I am so sorry for the lies. It's weird, I wasn't intentionally lying. I was lying to myself as well.

These blog posts seem to take on a life of their own and go in directions I don't expect them to go. But maybe that's ok. Maybe it's part of the process. Maybe it's because what is dawning on me over the past few months is that I have an eating disorder. Maybe that's the why of it all.

I lurk alot on the "fascination" threads at "Low Carb Friends" I don't post there much but I lurk there daily. I read the posts and follow the links and I have learned alot about disordered eating from doing so. I have come to realize that I have an eating disorder. That is something I never would have believed about myself....but it's true. So I would like to thank the "Duck Squad" at LCF for doing what you do. In the beginning, I argued with you. There have been times when I have felt like ducks are scary. But I always read what you post. Thank you for making me see the truth.

There is so much more that I have to say about all of this. But this is all I can do right now.

Size 14 Jeans

This morning I'm thinking about my size 14 jeans. Yesterday as I was getting ready for work and pulling my size 14 jeans on, I realized that once again I was feeling sad. I was feeling sad because those size 14 jeans were a reminder for me that just a few months ago I was pulling on size 12 jeans, and they were getting loose. It was such a victorious feeling for me to be in size 12 jeans.

Never mind that people warned me that losing weight on Kimkins was unhealthy and wasn't going to be a loss I would be able to sustain. I was shrinking and that's all that mattered to me. But then, I started noticing when I looked in the mirror, that I was looking so old. And I was looking old all of the sudden? Could it be my diet? Then I began to notice that my skin was just sort of sagging. Could that be my diet as well? There were nagging doubts. Looking back, I have to admit that part of why I stayed on Kimkins was because I didn't want to admit I was wrong. I didn't want to admit that I was one of "those people" who fell for a scam. But I was, and that's another reason I was feeling sad about my size 14 jeans. They symbolized the roller coaster ride of stupid crash dieting, being scammed, feeling like a fool, realizing my disordered thoughts about eating, and regaining my weight. Those jeans were reminding me of alot of things and I was feeling sort of sad about it all.

But then, I remembered the day I was able to squeeze into size 14 jeans after years of being in size 18 and 20 jeans. I remembered the joy of pulling those size 14 jeans over my shrinking hips! And it dawned on me. I haven't failed in my quest for a slimmer, happier life! I am still slimmer than I was 2 years ago. My health is improving every day since I stopped doing Kimkins. Yes, I fell for the scam. But Heidi Diaz didn't win. She doesn't have the last say in all of this. My journey for a slimmer healthier life will continue and if justice is served, her life will continue in jail.

So this morning as I pull on my size 14 jeans to go to work, I will be grateful. I will be thankful for lessons learned, and I will feel joy as I pull those jeans up over my hips!

This is a great song that really spoke to my heart this morning when I watched it. Sometimes in my efforts to "fix" myself I can forget that the only one who can cause me to be the person I am striving to become is my Heavenly Father.

This is "Undo" by Rush of Fools

Let's Do Lunch

So, I have finally settled on a plan that I can feel good about. I am doing the "Let's Do Lunch" plan. I've been following it for about a week now and I am loving it so far. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to lose weight on this plan but I am enjoying eating again. I'm not feeling the need to graze all day long, stuffing one thing and then another in my mouth to try and satisfy these crazy cravings I've been experiencing since Kimkins. It will be interesting to see if I can lose weight eating this way but right now it's enough that I don't feel crazy from the uncontrollable cravings anymore.

It's about time for an update, don't you think?

So, back in October I had decided I was going to be better about keeping up my blog. As you can see, that didn't happen. I think I just haven't known what to say. It's been months since I was banned from the Kimkins website and yet I find myself still dealing with the aftermath of it all. I only followed the Kimkins plan for a short time. I only lost 27 pounds, most of which I have gained back. My hair has become healthy again. I'm grateful for that.

This whole experience with Kimkins has made me stop and think about alot of things. One thing I have had to realize is that I don't know everything I think I know. I am an intelligent woman and I fell for the lies. That's been hard to face, admit, come to terms with, and move on. At least, I think I've moved on. Some days I'm not so sure. One thing I am still troubled by is the realization that there are people like Heidi Diaz. I mean, I knew there were people like her but none have really been a part of my reality before. I have "met" so many nice people on the internet and I have mostly just taken them at face value. Now a part of that is spoiled. Now there is always the knowledge that the person behind the smiling avatar, the person I am conversing with, might be someone completely different than who or what they are portraying themself to be. It's kinda creepy now. It's got me a little bit freaked out, if the truth be told. I am not nearly as active on line as I used to be. Like I said, it's kinda creepy now. I lurk alot. I don't post much anymore.

I was going to say more tonight. I started this post over the weekend but now it's Thursday 3/20 and I don't know how to change the date on the post.....anyway, I was going to say more tonight but thinking about this makes me feel sort of sad......almost homesick for the way things felt before Kimkins....so I am going to stop for now. For tonight this is enough.